GK: This is music I hear a lot these days. (HOLD MUSIC) It's Thank You for Your Patience music. The music of Hold. America is in a process of merger and acquisition and soon there will be three companies who will fly you places and make your coffee and bran muffins and handle your health insurance and their accountants will cut out all those expensive people who used to answer the phones who actually knew something, and instead you'll get recorded music (HOLD MUSIC) Milwaukee is an old factory town that's switching over to the service sector. Which means Milwaukee is putting people on hold.
(PHONE RINGS, PICKUP)
SS (NASAL ON PHONE): Hello--
GK: Hello, I'd like to-----
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): You have reached NorCom Wellness Solutions. If you know your party's extension, say one. If you don't know it, say I don't know it.
GK: I don't know it.
SS (NASAL, INSISTENT, ON PHONE): If you are calling about your test results.
GK: Yes! Yes I am!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For yes, say yes.
GK: Yes!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For no, say no.
GK: Yes!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): After the beep please.
(A BEAT, SS ROBOT BREATHES, BEEP)
GK: Yes!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): One moment please--
(BAD HOLD MUSIC)
GK: Hold music. (BAD HOLD MUSIC) You never know how long it's going to last. You probably have time to go make a sandwich but you don't dare so you wait. (BAD HOLD MUSIC, PICKUP)
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): All of our agents are busy explaining test results to other clients. Your call is extremely important to us and probably important to you too, seeing as you are in the situation you're in. For test results, say one.
GK: One.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For an explanation, say two.
GK: One.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For grief counseling, say
three.
GK: One! One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For our hospice service, say four.
GK: One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): After the beep please.
GK: My God. (A BEAT, SS ROBOT BREATHES, BEEP) One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): I think you said-two.
GK: One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): If this is correct, say two.
GK: One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): I'm sorry, I don't understand that command. Please hold. (BAD HOLD MUSIC)
GK: People only use 10% of their brains, so it seems pretty tragic that any of that should be taken up by hold music. You're trapped with it and you can't hang up, and it worms itself into your brain like an alien virus and once it's in there, it's there to stay. But you can't hang up or they win. And that's what they want-for you to hang up.
(PICKUP)
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): Hello!
GK: Finally--
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): We are experiencing heavy call volume. To hang up, say yes.
GK: No.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): To stay on hold indefinitely, say no.
(A BEAT)
GK: Maybe.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): I don't understand that command. If you really need to speak to a representative, and I want you to think hard about that, say one.
GK: One.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): If you are currently bleeding uncontrollably, say two.
GK: One.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): If you've already tried a home tourniquet and it didn't work, say three.
GK: One.
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): I don't understand that command. Using a tourniquet usually works. To try it again and call back, say four .
GK: One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): To stay on hold for the automated hospice coordinator, say five.
GK: One!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): I think you said, tarantula. IS this correct!
GK: No!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For yes, say yes.
GK: Yes!
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): For no, say--yes.
GK: What?
SS (NASAL, ON PHONE): Please hold.
(BAD HOLD MUSIC)
GK: And that's the Service Economy.
(HOLD MUSIC CONTINUES)
GK: The emphasis is on economy. I for one would be happy if they'd just improve the music. If the call is going to be recorded for quality purposes, why not play some good music.