(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Western Aromatherapy. When you go around on horseback smelling dust and livestock all day, it's no wonder you feel ornery and out of sorts ---- try one of Western Aromatherapy's essential oils --- rose, jasmine, or tangerine-rub some on your upper lip and see if it doesn't make you happier. And now, the Lives of the Cowboys.
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CROWD, DISTANT MUSIC)
TR: Boy. Fresno, California. Sun shining, warm --we are two lucky cowboys.
GK: I'll say. Politics. Easiest work we ever did. Campaign aides.
TR: A hundred dollars a day just to sit on our horses here at the rally and look interested.
GK: Well, cowboys are American icons. Truth, justice, and the cowboy way, and so forth.
TR: Just hope my horse doesn't drop a big load here while the candidates are speaking. There's enough of that coming from the stage without him adding to it.
TK (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
TR: Who's this?
GK: Looks like a candidate. The way he's grasping his lapel and all.
TK JOWLY GIBBERISH
TR: Too bad we can't understand him.
GK: That may work to his advantage.
TR: How so?
GK: There are some candidates who, the more they meet the voters and get their message out, the less people like them.
TR: Campaigning is supposed to have a positive effect.
GK: It is. Shhh, look out -- here comes that lady. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (JIGGS): Okay, okay, okay-- we're about to get started. You! With the guitar.
GK: Me?
SS (JIGGS): Who am I looking at? Huh? These are my eyes right here. Am I looking up at the sky? Huh?
GK: You're looking at me.
SS (JIGGS): Right. See anybody else with a guitar? Huh? Huh?
GK: Nope.
SS (JIGGS): So who would you imagine I'm talking to?
GK: Me.
SS (JIGGS): Darn right. Okay-- you got the theme song memorized?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS (JIGGS): Okay, let's hear it.
GK: Now?
SS (JIGGS): When would you rather sing it for me? A week from Tuesday?
GK: No, ma'am.
SS (JIGGS): Think you'll be more in the mood in a month or two? Huh?
GK: Nope. (GUITAR STRUMMING)
We can have a beautiful life
Where our stocks go up and up
Where the steaks are tender and don't need a knife
Just vote for Jack W. Shrub.
He likes business big and government small
And his foreign policy's fun
He knows America's gotta walk tall
And people listen if you got a gun.
He's a long time member of the Republican club
So vote for Jack W. Shrub. (YODEL)
SS: Fine. But drop the yodel, okay?
GK: You don't want me to yodel?
SS: What did I just get done saying? Huh? Did I say maybe you'll yodel? Did I say, yodel afterwards?
GK: No.
SS: No, I said to drop the yodel. So don't yodel.
GK: At the end of the song...
SS: Or any other time'okay-- you.
GK: Excuse me, ma'am.
SS: What is it?
GK: Who is Jack W. Shrub?
SS: Him. Over there. (TK JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: Oh. Okay.
SS: And you--
TR: Yes, ma'am.
SS: After Mr. Shrub speaks, he's going to run over here and jump on the back of your horse and you ride away with him. Just around to the back of the building where he'll get in the limo. Okay?
TR: Sounds good.
SS (JIGGS): And to make sure he lands on the horse, we're going to put this little trampoline right here-- there-- disguised as a tree stump -- and he'll hop up-- but you put your hand back so he'll have something to grab.
TR: Okay.
SS (JIGGS): And then you--
GK: Me.
SS (JIGGS): You yell out "Jack W. Shrub -- it don't get better than that!"
GK: Okay.
SS (JIGGS): "Jack W. Shrub, it don't get better than that!"
TR: Got it.
SS (JIGGS): Any questions?
GK: Is he a Democrat or a Republican?
SS (JIGGS): What difference does it make? We're paying you a hundred bucks a day-- and if your horse needs to do you-know-what -- take him around back of the stage, okay?
GK: Okay.
SS (JIGGS): Mr. Shrub goes on after Senator Obama and Senator McCain and Senator Clinton. And one more thing -- we got Ted Kennedy running around here like he's running for office himself. The guy is 75 years old and he's wearing a silver lame suit and he's got a handful of sparklers. You got a lariat with you?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS (JIGGS): Well, don't hesitate to use it.
GK: Okay.
TR: Who's that coming out on stage?
SS (JIGGS): Oh my gosh. It's Walter Mondale. And he's got a guitar.
(ELECTRIC GUITAR)
GK: His hair is longer than what I remember.
SS (JIGGS): Get your lariat ready--
TR (MONDALE): My name is Walter Mondale and thanks to all you good people out there, I have finally found my voice. (GUITAR CHORD) (HE SINGS)
If you're going to the North Country fair,
Where the wind blows heavy and the snow is deep,
Please say hello to a girl who lives there,
She is someone who once voted for me.
SS (JIGGS): Quick. Unplug him. Unplug him!
GK: Got him.
TR (MONDALE): What happened?
GK: This way, Mr. Mondale-- (MURMURS, FOOTSTEPS)
SS (JIGGS): Oh no. Here comes you-know-who--
TR (KENNEDY): Hello California? Everybody here glad to see me? My name is Ted Kennedy and I am tan and trim and ready to go! Here to endorse my good friend Senator Bowlerama. Ask not what your country can do for you because we are a new generation and we have a rendezvous with destiny on the new frontier, and I say -- let us never run out of fear but let us never fear to run--- (HE CONTINUES UNDER) it is my privilege and my pleasure, both a pleasure and a privilege, and also, if I may say, an opportunity, to look out across this sea of smiling faces --
SS (JIGGS): Quick. Pull the lever.
GK: What lever?
SS (JIGGS): That lever. Right there.
GK: What does it do?
SS (JIGGS): It opens the trap door.
GK: It opens what trap door? (RATCHET, AND TR KENNEDY FALLS WITH A CRY, AND TRAP DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
SS (JIGGS): There. Gone. Next--
GK: Looks like Senator Obama's next.
TR (OBAMA, ON P.A.): They said. That this day. Could not happen. But it did. It did happen. It happened to me. Because of you. Together you and I made this happen. Today. And that's what the American people are asking for. To move from yesterday to tomorrow. And to the day after tomorrow. (HUGE CHEERING, OFF)
GK: Okay. The man sure pulls in a crowd. Looks like Senator McCain is next...
TR (McCAIN): And so my friends. I want to thank each and every one of you. For being my friends, and for standing by those principles which you, my friends, have validated tonight by being my friends, my friends. My friends, you expect straight talk from Senator John McCain and because you are my friends, that is exactly what you're going to get. Thank you so much.
GK: Ah, and it looks like Senator Clinton is coming up next--
TR (BILL CLINTON): My name is Bill Clinton and I know that the past seven years have made a lot of you very nostalgic. Me, too. And right now I want to introduce the smartest little lady I ever met in my life'and that includes a lot of ladies...
SS (HILLARY): What Bill is trying to say is that I am experienced. Others are not, but I am. I have had a great many experiences over the past 35 years and when I take office in January (WAIT FOR APPLAUSE) as the first woman president in American history (SMILE GAMELY AND WIPE TEAR FROM EYE) I will hit the ground running, working for you.
TR (BILL CLINTON): While Hillary dabs at her eyes, let me just say that I will be right there, running by her side, offering her the benefit of my own experience.
SS (HILLARY): I have heard you and you have given me my voice and I promise to use that voice to speak for you as President. (SMILE AND WAVE).
GK: Okay, Mr. Shrub-- you're on.
(FOOTSTEPS)
TK JOWLY JIBBERISH
GK: What'd he say?
SS: He said he's going to take guns away from gay people.
TK JOWLY GIBBERISH
SS (WHISPER): And he's gonna build a fence along our border that's a hundred feet high and topped with barbed wire.
TK JOWLY GIBBERISH
SS (WHISPER): Oh my gosh.
GK: What is it?
SS: His fly is open. (OFF) Who had zipper duty? -- (TK JOWLY GIBBERISH CONTINUES) Somebody get up there and take care of it.
GK: I'm not about to go adjust the fly of a man who is holding a gun. No thank you.
SS: Here he comes now-- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
Get ready.
GK: Dusty, look at what your horse just did--
TR: It's okay. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TK JOWLY CRY, THHHHHWOP SKID, FALL AND BIG WET PLOP) Whoops.
GK: Jack W. Shrub -- it don't get better than that. (GIDDYUPS, HORSES GALLOP AWAY)
(THEME)
SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Freeze-Dried sushi. For on the trail.