SS (ANNC): And now, the Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Rear View Air Freshener. (SPRAY) When you've been riding behind a herd of cattle all day, you need to clear the air, with a spray of Rear View Air Freshener (SPRAY). The air freshener for the man behind the herd. And now: the Lives of the Cowboys (THEME)
GK: Getting cold out here, Dusty. I can see my breath. Before you know it there'll be Christmas lights up in town. Getting about time to swing south, soon's we get the herd to the railroad. Should make Yellow Gulch tomorrow and then we can head south. I'm thinking Las Cruces. Down El Paso way. Evelyn Beebalo sent me a postcard from there. Postmarked July, but-----. A man can hope.
TR: Right. I just hope those dang church ladies don't come out here and try to talk us into going to town for their goldarned turkey dinner. I hate that.
GK: Well, if they invite me, I'm going. I love those church dinners.
TR: What's wrong with doing Thanksgiving out here on our own? Like we did two years ago? Shot our own turkey and everything.
GK: It was a grouse.
TR: Whatever.
GK: It was a grouse. And it was gamey.
TR: It's game. It's supposed to be gamey.
GK: And it didn't die right away.
TR: Well that was unfortunate.
GK: We had to chase it down and thump it-And then it was filled with buckshot-I broke a tooth--
TR: Okay, we could do rattlesnake instead.
GK: I'm gonna go into town.
TR: You eat that turkey they own you. You'll be getting fliers from that church as long as you live. Afterwards they want you to sit and play board games. Those things can go on for hours. Days, if you've got someone who keeps checking the rules.
GK: I'm going to town for Thanksgiving, Dusty. Talk to people. Experience some warmth and generosity.
TR: Ha!!! Last year's was just ridiculous. Sitting in a church basement with a bunch of homeless people. We're not homeless people, we're cowboys, dang it. We're hunkered down out here on the range cause we wanta be.
GK: I liked that turkey dinner last year.
TR: All that pressure to be thankful and jolly and smile and say, "Thank you for being wonderful women and feeding us poor lonesome cowboys" and all that----(SPITS)
GK: You wanna aim that in the other direction, please?
TR: I resent being treated like homeless. Our home is anywhere we lay our heads. We're at home everywhere.
GK: We're basically homeless.
TR: We're cowboys. It's not the same thing. "Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam----" and so forth.
GK: Well, forgive me for saying a discouraging word but the range is not what I consider home-like.

TR: Home is wherever we lay a bedroll. I am not going to some Presbyterian feedlot and line up for a helping of mercy turkey and sit around and have to be talk to people I don't like. If I wanted to talk to people, I woulda gone into another line of work. (HORSE APPROACHES) What's this?
GK: Looks like we got ourselves a visitor.
TR: It's one of them goldarn church ladies. Dagnab it. (HORSE APPROACHES, SLOWS)
SS (CHURCH LADY): Whoa there! (DISMOUNTS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL). Good afternoon. How is everybody doing today? (SHE WALKS CLOSER) My name's Marlene, and I'm with the Evangelical Church of Yellow Gulch.
TR: We're not interested.
GK: Hush, Dusty. What can we do for you, ma'am?
SS: Well, I'm just riding around distributing Thanksgiving dinners.
TR: Well, we're busy on Thursday so we can't come. Thank you for the invite, but we gotta get these cows to town and into the stockyard and besides the praying and the hymn singing ---- it just weirds me out---- I'm not into that at all----- GK: You have to forgive my partner, ma'am ----- somehow, after twenty years sleeping on the ground and enduring blizzards and flash floods and bears and rattlesnakes and avalanches and driving ornery and repulsive creatures down the dusty trail across the barren windswept plains, he has come to doubt the existence of a loving God.
SS: That's fine, I understand. But I just came to give you a couple of dinners. Here. In the tinfoil wrap. Two of them. Turkey and stuffing and candied yams and cornbread, you just set that down on the campfire for five minutes, heats right up. The cranberries are in this package----- and the pumpkin pie is here. Little container of fresh whipped cream. Made the pie myself. Fresh grated nutmeg and cinnamon and a little molasses.
TR: You're not doing the dinner in the church basement this year?
SS: No, we decided to distribute meals instead.
TR: Oh. (TWO BEATS) How come?
SS: Well, we just didn't want people to feel bad about coming to the church and accepting charity.
GK: I sort of liked it myself, but----
TR: So people complained about that?
SS: Some did.
TR: Who?
SS: Well, some of our homeless people were unhappy about going to a dinner with cowboys ---- to be perfectly frank. They just didn't want that association ---- I mean, don't get me wrong ---- I like cowboys. Some of my best friends are cowboys, or used to be. But the homeless people ---- they just didn't care for the spitting and the six-guns and ---- well, the smell.
TR: Didn't care for the smell?
SS: Smell of livestock.
TR: You think we smell?
SS: To some people. Not to me. Some people.
GK: Well, it's awfully nice of you to bring us out these turkey dinners.
TR: How much you charging for these?
SS: It's our gift.
TR: Charity, huh?
SS: It's just a Thanksgiving dinner ---- you prefer white meat or dark?
TR: Dark.
SS: There you go.
GK: White for me.
SS: There you go. ----Okay. ----- Happy Thanksgiving. (WALKS ACROSS GRAVEL, MOUNTS HORSE, GIDDYUP, RIDES AWAY)
GK: Those turkey dinners were pretty darn good, I'd say. Mine was about perfect. (STRUM GUITAR)
TR: And now you gotta go ruin it with a song----

GK: Just wrote a new one, Dusty. (HE STRUMS)
Now thank we all our God
While sitting on the prairie
It's windy, flat, and cold
But we are quite contrary
We like the cold and dust
We like the storms and heat
We ride because we must
Cause people want red meat.
The cows are quiet now
But they might soon stampede
Cause they are crazy too
And high on locoweed.
I'm lonesome but I feel
A strong thanksgiving urge,
Thanks to this lovely meal
From the Evangelical church.
TR: You done now?
GK: Yep.
TR: Good.
GK: You enjoy the dinner, Dusty?
TR: It was okay. Little salty.
GK: Too salty----
TR: Little bit too salty.
GK: You're the salty one. That's the problem. You were crying salt tears onto your turkey.
TR: I was not!!!
GK: Were too. I saw you. You were crying.
TR: Had dust in my eye.
GK: You were crying.
TR: I was not.
GK: Were.
TR: Were not.
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cowboy Undies. The only underwear that wicks moisture away from your rear end, to prevent chafing and saddle sores. Cowboy Undies. The undergarment for the man on the trail.