TR (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story.
(GK STRUGGLING, SUCKING QUICKSAND)
GK: Help! Help! This is just great. (STRUGGLING) Quicksand. I'm stuck. (QUICKSAND) Help!
(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, WHISTLING)
SS: Oh my goodness. Is someone there?
GK: Yes! I'm here. In the quicksand.
SS: I don't see you. Where are you?
GK: I'm down here. Down-and to your left--
SS: Oh! There you are. Why are you so small?
Are you a dwarf?
GK: I'm sunk in quicksand up to my waist. (QUICKSAND) Actually I'm six feet tall.
SS: Well how did you get in there?
GK: I was just walking home with this 20-pound turkey and two bags of Christmas gifts, and I took a wrong step and it just sucked me in--I'm sinking-
(QUICKSAND)
SS: I see the gifts, sir-(WHISTLES) quite a lot of them, too---
GK: Yes, could you hurry please?
SS: But I don't see the turkey. Are you sure you were carrying a turkey, sir?
GK: The turkey sank into the quicksand. It's gone. I felt it slide past my leg. Could you help, maybe? Give me a hand?
SS: I've had quite a bit of experience with quicksand victims and you're never supposed to give them a hand --- they're apt to pull you right in with them.
GK: How about a stick? A length of rope? Anything?
SS: Let me call Earl Sanderson.
GK: Okay but I'm sinking here.
(QUICKSAND)
SS: You didn't see that big sign? The one that says Danger, Quicksand, Keep Out?
GK: I didn't - I was carrying the turkey- Could you just call somebody?
SS: I'll call Earl Sanderson the Eagle Scout. I saw him just up the trail.
GK: I'm up to my chest now---please--- you could take off your jeans and pull me out with those----
SS: Excuse me?
GK: I wouldn't look, I swear--it's just that I'm desperate. Okay? I'm almost up to my armpits.
SS: Yeah right you wouldn't look.
GK: Just call Earl Sanderson, please---
SS: --- Just a sec. ---- (SLOW BEEPING) E-A-R-L.. it's J-E-S-S-
GK: You're texting him? You couldn't just call him?
SS: Earl is more comfortable with text messages.
GK: Yeah, and I'd feel more comfortable out of this pit.
SS: Excuse me, I didn't come here to get yelled at, ok?
GK: Well I didn't come here to get trapped in quicksand, either-
SS: There was a warning sign.
GK: Whatever! Isn't there someone around here with a winch? Help! Help!
SS: You know, the irony is that the harder you struggle, the faster you sink. There may be a lesson in there for you.
(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
TR: Hello? Did somebody call me?
GK: Yes. Get me out of here.
TR: What's going on here, Miss Hawthorne?
SS: He was carrying some gifts and a turkey and he walked right into the quicksand.
TR: Sir. If you stop thrashing around and keep perfectly still you'll float up to the surface-
GK: I'm not thrashing-I'm just trying to get out--
SS: Just breathe, sir. Relax, and breathe deeply, from the diaphragm--
GK: I know how to breathe, ok? It would be helpful if you could throw me a rope-
TR: A negative attitude is only going to sink you deeper.
SS: The gifts seem to be floating on the surface, Earl. It means they're very light. Looks like CDs and acrylic sweaters.
GK: Help. I don't know how much more clearly I can say it. Help.
(DOG RUNNING THROUGH BRUSH, PANTING, BRIGHT CHORD)
TR: Oh look! Here comes Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF) Good boy.
(DOG PANTS)
TR: Good boy. Sit. (WOOF) Okay sir, What we need to do is get underneath you with a hose, and start supersaturating the soil with water, which will re-liquify the quicksand making it easier to do the extraction.
GK: Ok. Great. A plan. Let's do it.
TR: On the other hand we're a long way from a water connector----
GK: I'm up to my chin now. My arms are pinned to my sides--- I can't even see you now. I have my head tilted so my mouth and nose are above the sand-
(ARF ARF)
TR: We're still here, sir. We're thinking.
(BARKING)
GK: Before I leave this world, I'd just like to say that you two are the worst rescuers I ever heard of.
SS: I hear somebody coming.
TR: Sounds like a truck or something.
GK: You're two people whose incompetence is only exceeded by your self-confidence -
(BIG TRUCK BACKING IN, CRUNCHING OF TREES, AND STOPS)
(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)
TK: This where the power line's supposed to go?
GK: Do you have a winch on that truck?
TK: Sure. Who said that?
GK: Me. The pair of lips moving at the top of this quicksand.
TR: We're trying to get him to relax.
SS: Yeah, and he won't do it. He's uncooperative.
GK: Lower your winch down and I'll try to (SQUORTS AND SPLORTS) get my arms up above my head. (SQUORTS) There.
TK: Wow. There's a guy in there. What you want me to do? Pull you out? Okay. (FOOTSTEPS) (WINCH LOWERS) Grab on, mister. (MOTOR, HUGE SUCKING SOUND AND POP) (MOTOR) There you go.
GK: Wow. I'm out. I didn't die.
TK: Twenty-five bucks.
GK: You know something, my wallet got lost in the quicksand.
TK: Well, maybe one of your friends here would lend you the dough.
SS: -----Don't look at me.
GK: You couldn't give me twenty-five bucks----
TR: I'd rather give it to charity.
GK: (SIGHS) Just take those gifts then.
TK: Oh. But what's in there?
GK: CDs and acrylic sweaters, okay? Just take it.
TK: Oh. What CDs?
GK: A bunch of them, okay? There's a turkey down there somewhere, too. You can take that, too.
TK: Oh.
SS: Uh oh, Earl.
TR: What?
SS: Where is he? Crispy-
(A BEAT)
TR: Well he was right here-
SS: He dove down for the turkey.
TR: Crispy?? Crispy??
(A BEAT, BUBBLING)
SS: Oh no--
TR: Nose up, Crispy, nose up!
(MUFFLED DOG BARK)
TK: Guess I'll hook that winch back up.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): This has been the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.
(THEME OUT)