Garrison Keillor: You have a bad dream one night in which mutant aliens (SFX) hatched from spores in pods in the trees come after you (SFX) and when your alarm goes off (ALARM) you think it's them coming for you and you grab the gun in your bedside table and (GUNSHOTS) and there's a big commotion (Fred Newman WOMAN: You must be insane!!!) and your kids are upset (CHILD CRYING) and you try to make up for it by making scrambled eggs (CRACKING EGGS) and you forget them on the stove and the smoke alarm goes off (ALARM) and so you're a little late for work in Charlotte, driving 75 m.p.h. (FAST CAR, CORNERING) and public radio (TR PUBLIC RADIO MURMURING) just feels a little slow this morning and so you do something you've never done before, you turn the dial (DIAL RADIO SPECTRUM) and you land on a station you've never heard before (HIP HOP W RAP OUTBURSTS) and you start dancing in the front seat (TR MOVES) and suddenly you're not sure where you are (FN DISORIENTATION), you took the wrong exit, and now suddenly 30 cars whip past you going 150 miles per hour (WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH) and you look up and there are 150,000 screaming fans watching you go (CROWD ROAR), and you aren't on Highway 29 anymore'you're on the Supertrack at the Lowe's Motor Speedway (FN PANIC, HEARTBEAT). And you look in your rearview mirror and here they come again (WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH), and now you're going into the turn--
GK: (ENGINE REVS) you try to stay with the traffic, and centrifugal force takes all the air out of your lungs (FN GASPING) and you try to merge into the traffic. (WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH), (Tim Russell: Excuse me'let me in here) and you get rear-ended by the OfficeMax car (CRASH), which sends you into a spin (SPINNING CAR), and the audience goes wild (CROWD ROAR), and you straighten out but now a monster truck goes by (MONSTER TRUCK), and you swerve to miss it and you veer onto some sort of a ramp--(CROWD CHEERS)--the ramp is going up and up (ACCELERATE), and you're going 75 and here comes the end of the ramp, and there are 14 old yellow school buses parked side by side (ACCELERATION)--
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.