Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We brought our winter clothes out of storage last weekend, but they're a little tight, so we went to a gym to lose some weight. And they had a climbing wall, and I'd never done that before, so I went up it like a mountain goat, and then I saw how high I was and I just froze and they had to send three men in a hydraulic lift to pry my fingers off the wall, and Barb taped the whole thing on her cell phone, which she thought was so funny'and I went home and sulked for three days, and lost about five pounds in pure shame. And Barb gained 5 pounds, sitting at the computer and emailing that video to all her friends. So I guess it all evened out in the end. We should have been happy. But then Barb got it in her head that we should go up north and look at the fall colors.
SS: Come on, Jim, just for one weekend. We could rent a car, stay in a little Bed and Breakfast in Duluth--
TR: Barb. We know what colors look like. Red, yellow, orange. We've seen it before.
SS: But Jim, this only happens once a year. All those trees, blazing in full color. There's nothing like it.
TR: Fall colors depress me, Barb. Because I know what's next.
SS: What are you talking about Jim'it's beautiful!
TR: Barb. We're getting older. Fall makes me think of nursing homes and deer getting their brains blown out.
SS: But Jim'it's back-to-school time. It's football season--
TR: And it's a time of lengthening shadows and rotting pumpkins.
SS: Oh, come on now Jim'lighten up'look out the window'the kids are playing in a pile of leaves.
TR: Wait til they find out what's in that leaf pile, Barb. Soon enough that laughter will turn to tears. As it will for all of us.
SS: Jim, you really need to get out more.
TR: It's October, Barb. I'd rather just lie in bed eating Twinkies with the shades pulled.
SS: Well never mind, Jim. I'll just go up north by myself then.
TR: We could get a high-definition television set, Barb.
And watch the Leaf Channel.
SS: I'm going north, Jim. With you or without you.
TR: Barb. I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup.
SS: Ketchup, Jim?
TR: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you realize that one breathtaking show of leaves is pretty much the same as the next. So you don't have to waste time driving around looking for something you've already seen before.
SS: Well, I guess you do have a point there, Jim. I mean, I do know what red and orange look like. Especially red.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times
Fall is in the air.
Birds are heading south,
There's color everywhere.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on Camambert.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times
RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup