Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story. (MUSIC FADE FOR...)


Fred Newman: Hello?

Garrison Keillor (ECHO): Hello.

FN: I thought I saw somebody down in this hole-- what are you doing?

GK (ECHO): I fell in.

FN: Really...just now?

GK (ECHO): A couple hours ago.

FN: Did you cry for help?

GK (ECHO): No, I didn't. I tried to, but my voice sounded so pitiful. I felt ashamed. So I've been hurling myself at these perpendicular walls over and over trying to somehow climb up them though obviously it's impossible.

FN: You don't have a cell phone to call 911?
GK (ECHO): No.

FN: Here-- take mine. (TOSS, LONG DROP, GK CATCH)

GK: Thanks.

FN: I'll go try to find a rope.

GK: Okay. See you in a minute. -- Boy. Lucky he came by. (BEEP BEEP BEEP, PHONE RING, PICKUP)

Sue Scott (ON PHONE): 911 this is Sahara how may I help you?

GK (ECHO): Yes, I'm calling to report that I fell into a deep hole--

SS (ON PHONE): This is Kansas, sir.

GK (ECHO): I'm aware of that.

SS (ON PHONE): I mean I just don't see how that could happen.

GK (ECHO): There was this deep pit. I don't know, maybe it's a storage bin or something.

SS (ON PHONE): Ok, ok, just stay calm, I'm right here with you. I'm tracking your cellphone right now-- (SONAR) and I'm getting a fix on your location-- okay-- good (BEEPS). Now let me see if we've got a responder who can come out. Let's see.-- (SHE LOOKS DOWN LIST OF NAMES)

GK (ECHO): How about Earl Sanderson, the Eagle Scout?

SS (ON PHONE): I'm sorry, he's at a ceremony in Des Moines, receiving another merit badge.

GK (ECHO): Another one? How many merit badges does this kid need anyway?

SS (ON PHONE): He's not a kid, sir, he's a young adult.

GK (ECHO): Whatever he is.

GK (ECHO): How about Earl's dog, Crispy?

SS (ON PHONE): Crispy's at the technical college, getting retrained. But I'll text him and see if he can come. (SLOW BEEPING OFF)

GK (ECHO): Wouldn't it be faster just to whistle?

SS (ON PHONE): Just hang on a second. (SLOW BEEPING) Man. In. H-o-l-

GK: You know, forget it. I think I'm going to die down here.

SS (ON PHONE): Sir, just calm down.

GK: I am calm.


GK (ECHO): Any idea how long this might take?

SS (ON PHONE): I have no idea. I'm just a little stressed, okay? Last time I directed a rescue from a deep hole, I kind of messed up.

GK (ECHO): Oh. Great. What happened?

SS (ON PHONE): I gave the rescue truck the wrong coordinates and on their way there, they drove right into the hole the guy was trapped in and they crushed him like a bug. So -- we don't want that to happen again, right?

GK (ECHO): Look it's not that hard, you just lower rope and I'm out of here. I'm only down about twenty-five feet.

SS (ON PHONE): Okay. I'm sending Earl's brother Rick Sanderson with Earl's dog Crispy.

GK (ECHO): Oh thank goodness. Crispy.

SS (ON PHONE): You're familiar with Crispy's work, sir?

GK (ECHO): I am -- I was cornered by a cougar once and I tried to run and I fell into an abandoned mineshaft and there was quicksand and a rattlesnake -- Crispy got me out.

SS (ON PHONE): Do you have some sort of death wish, sir?


TR: Hello? Hello? Is someone down there?

GK (ECHO): Yes. I'm down here--
SS (ON PHONE): Stay on the line, sir. Talk to me. I'm right here.

GK (ECHO): You know it's ok. I'm fine.

TR: I'm Earl's brother Rick and I'm gonna get you out of there, sir. Just as soon as I set up my winch.

GK (ECHO): Okay, good--and sorry about all of this-

TR: I'm setting up my winch now.

GK (ECHO): Yes ok, thank you very much.

TR: This is me, setting up my winch.

GK: Right. I'm not going anywhere.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm here, sir. Stay calm. Try not to panic.

GK (ECHO): I'm not panicking. Just feeling humiliated.

SS (ON PHONE): You sound like you're going into shock.

GK (ECHO): I'm not. Okay? I'm fine. He's hooking up the winch and he's going to lower a rope and pull me out.

TR: Okay-- all set to lower! Coming down-- (WINCH)

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all--

GK (ECHO): Ma'am, what are you doing?

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): I'm on your side. When times get rough. And friends just can't be found--

GK (ECHO): You know, you shouldn't be hogging a 911 line like this--there may be other people out there who need help, ma'am.

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): Like a bridge over troubled water; I will lay me down.

GK (ECHO): It's not a karaoke line-

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): Like a bridge over troubled water; I will lay me down.

GK (ECHO): Are you sending the winch down?

TR: Watch your head, it's coming down. (RATCHETING, CLANGING, MACHINERY) Just takes time. It's a slow winch.

GK: Good. I'm fine.

TR: We'll lower the harness and get you right out of there--

GK: There's a harness?
SS (ON PHONE): How are we doing there, sir?

GK (ECHO): Doing fine.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm sending over a crisis team, sir. They counsel people who've been in entrapment situations like yours. They're very good.

GK (ECHO): Please don't do that.

SS (ON PHONE): It's a therapist and a hypnotist and a Reiki healer. Also a high school guidance counselor.

GK (ECHO): I really don't think that's necessary.

SS (ON PHONE): You'll thank me later.

GK: I'm not seeing this winch, here. Are you sure you're in the right hole?

TR: It moves kind of slow. But it's there. It's coming down. (WINCHING)

SS (ON PHONE): I'm hearing panic in your voice, sir. You sound totally freaked.

GK (ECHO): It's not panic, it's exasperation.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm going to tell him to stop the winch and wait until the crisis team gets there.

GK (ECHO): No, please! No.

TR (OFF): No?

GK (ECHO): Not talking to you.
TR (OFF): Want me to stop the winch?

GK (ECHO): No.

SS (SINGS, ON PHONE): Some times in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow. But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

GK (ECHOES): Get me out of here. (WOOFING) What the heck--

FN (CRISPY): I'm here. What seems to be the problem?

GK: Crispy! Where did you come from?

FN (CRISPY): There's a tunnel. I just wriggled my way through.

GK: Just get me out of here. Let's just go.

FN (CRISPY): Sure thing. I just need you to sign these papers first.

GK: Papers? What papers?

FN (CRISPY): They're in the packet on the chain around my neck.

GK: What is this-a limitation of liability clause? 245 pages of it?

FN (CRISPY): We need to protect ourselves in the event of an accident.

GK: There's already been an accident. I fell down a hole.
FN (CRISPY): We can't be held responsible if something should happen to you, sir.

GK: What could happen to me? I just need to get out of here--

FN (CRISPY): You don't want to know. I've seen it all. Snakebite, crushed by a log, quicksand, accidental strangulation--

GK: Strangulation?

FN (CRISPY): Accidental spearing, attacked by zebras, drowning in an inch of water-I've been around the block with this stuff.

GK: I'm not so sure I want to sign this-

FN (CRISPY): If you don't sign it, I gotta head on back out that hole and leave you here.

SS (ON PHONE): I see my light come shining-from the West unto the East-Any day now--any day now-I shall be released--

GK: Where's that pen?

FN (CRISPY): I'm holding it in my teeth. Here.

GK: Fine (SCRIBBLING) There. Let's get out of here.

TR (OFF): Can you see the winch sir? It should be down there by now.

GK: I can't see anything.

TR (OFF): It should be right there. Hanging right by your head.

GK: It's not down here. I think I would see it--(CLUNK, THUMP)

FN (CRISPY): Uh oh.

TR: What happened?

FN (CRISPY): I think you knocked him out with the hook.

TR: I did what? I can't hear you.

FN (CRISPY): I hope there's something in this clause that covers this-(PAGING)

TR: Tie a rope around his ankle, we'll lift him up that way.

FN (CRISPY): Not sure I can tie a knot with my paws, but I'll try.

SS (ON PHONE): Any day now-any day now-I shall be released. Are you there sir? Sir answer me, are you still there? Hello?

TR (ANNC): The Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.