(THEME)
Tim Russell (ANNC): And now for Father's Day.... We take you to the deep dark place where fatherhood begins-- The Night of the Living Sperm!
(PULSING MUSIC)
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Okay, men, listen up! We've got 150 million of you here so keep it down to a dull roar. We've gotten reports from the brain that things are happening and when it gets going, it's gonna happen fast, and I mean fast. You're gonna be going out that way and you're going to feel like you've been shot from a cannon.
(CHORUS MURMURING)
Garrison Keillor: Oh, great. This again. We've had about six false alarms already today.
Fred Newman: Shhh-shut up-I'm trying to listen--
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): When you go flying out there, you're going heads down and I want you to just kick kick kick kick kick and kick hard and kick fast and when you see it you'll know it. It's huge. Put your head down and go.
CHORUS AFFIRMATIONS
FN: What does he mean by "it"?
Sue Scott: It's the egg.
GK: Who are you?
SS: A sperm.
FN: You? You're not a sperm!
SS: You ever hear about diversity?
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): What is it, sperm?
GK: If I may sir, you put us on full alert six times today and then we had to stand down. Six times.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): The guy is 18 years old. There's a lot of false starts. But when you go, you're going to go go go, okay?
GK: And then do we come back here?
SS: No, you don't.
GK: How do you know?
SS: You make the mad dash. Go, go, go. And if you don't make it -- you die.
FN: How do you know this stuff?
SS: I hear things. Gossip.
GK: You're not one of me.
SS: Who says?
FN: You swim funny. You're kind of all over the place.
SS: I don't know what you're talking about. This is just the breast stroke.
GK: You're not wiggling around right.
SS: You're not supposed to wiggle. You kick.
(KLAXON)
FN (ANNOUNCEMENT): This is your cerebellum speaking. The alert level is orange. They're in a dark place. They're watching a movie. His hand is on her knee. Stay alert. And mobilize.
GK: So we don't get to come back here?
FN: Nope it's a one-way ticket.
GK: I guess I should bring my stuff then.
FN: You can't take it with you. Just leave it here.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Okay, listen up. Anyone needs to use the restroom, use it now. Because we ain't going backwards here. This is the real deal.
(LOW RUMBLING)
SS: Feels like the whole thing is trembling or something.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): At the ready! At the ready!
CHORUS: MALE GRUNTS.
GK: Stop pushing!
(HEARTBEAT, ALARM)
FN (ANNOUNCEMENT): This is your cerebellum reporting. Skin contact. We have skin contact.
CHORUS: MALE GRUNTS
GK: You want to meet afterward for lunch or something?
SS: You talking to me?
GK: Yeah.
SS: There is no afterwards.
(KLAXON)
FN (ANNOUNCEMENT): Heavy kissing. Heavy kissing. Hands are roaming.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Okay, men, things are gonna happen and they're gonna happen fast!
CHORUS: LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
GK: Shut up, stop pushing.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Stay alert. Stay alert. Take your places!
(RUMBLING)
SS: Wow, it's really moving in here. Moving and shaking.
(HEARTBEAT)
GK: What's that pounding?
SS: I don't know.
CHORUS: LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Red alert! Red alert! All systems go! Get ready! We're going!
CHORUS: We're going. We're going.
(SUDDEN WHOOSH AND CHORUS MOAN)
GK: I feel as if everything suddenly became horizontal.
(SHAKING, LIKE BOAT IN HEAVY SEA. CHORUS ROCKING)
SS: Oh man, this is wild.
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): All systems go in 5-4-3--2--
(DOOR OPENS, OFF)
SS (MIDWESTERN): Heather? Are you down there? Heather??? Why is it dark down there?
(KLAXON)
FN (ANNOUNCE): The mission has just been aborted. I repeat, the mission has been aborted. Stand down, stand down. Blood vessels, dilate. Blood cells, return to the extremities. Moving to plateau status. I repeat, plateau status. Sperm, do not move. I repeat, do not move.
SS (MIDWESTERN): You down there honey? Why is it dark?
TR (PANICKED TEEN): Don't come down here. I'm--I'm changing-a light bulb--
SS (MIDWESTERN): Just checking to see if you kids wanted some popcorn. I can make some if you want.
TR (TEEN): No, we're fine Mrs. Woycheck.
(DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(ALARM)
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Standby!
GK: What? We're still going?
CHORUS: MALE GRUNTING
TR (DRILL SARGEANT): Everybody get ready to swim. This thing isn't over till it's over! And when I say go it's all systems go!!!!
(THEME)
GK (ANNC): For Father's Day... from the deep dark place where fatherhood begins... this has been: The Night of the Living Sperm!