Garrison Keillor: It's April, an unpredictable month-- when the frozen tundra warms (LOON CALL) and stoical people are consumed with emotion (SS SOBBING) and ill-considered romance can sweep us off our feet (UPDRAFT, CRY OF ALARM) and hurl us against the sharp rocks of regret, (SMASH) and into the dark, icy waters of I Told You So. (SPLASH, GASP) And that's why you need to come in and talk about Love Insurance from Mutual Romance & Responsibility of St. Paul.
Tim Russell: Thanks for coming in, Megan -- I'm just looking over your paperwork and it says here you're in love with a convicted felon who is serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole. Right?
Sue Scott (TEEN): You make it sound so negative. What's your problem?
TR: I'm just stating the facts on this document.
SS (TEEN): Whatever, don't judge me, ok? I love him and he's a really good person, just really really misunderstood.
TR: (READING) Says here he charms women into coming with him on a roller coaster and then he chops them up and throws their body parts over the side and kills again and again.
SS (TEEN): It wasn't him, ok? He was eating too much sugar. It was a chemical reaction. Anyway that's all in the past. He's changed now. And he really really loves me.
TR: Megan, I'm going to write you a Love Insurance policy on condition that you move to Tanzania and work in a nursery school run by the Sisters of St. Joseph.
SS (TEEN): What?!?! Tanzania!!!! That's not fair! (STING)
GK: That's right, it's not. And life isn't fair. Neither is April. But we're here to help. Come on in with your own set of issues, and we'll analyze your needs on an individual, case-by-case basis and proceed from there.
SS: And you said this woman's name is, what-- Amber?
TR: (SIGHS) Oh, yes. It's Amber. Amber, Amber, Amber...(SIGH) wow, I feel weightless right now.
SS: And she's a cocktail waitress at the Hoochie Coochie Club?
TR: She is now. But she's studying for her high school diploma. I'm helping her study.
SS: Sir, you are a married man. You have grandchildren....
TR: I know, I know--
SS: And how old is this woman?
TR: She's 35, ok? Does it matter?
SS: Oh, boy.
TR: (MOONY) Amber just gets me, you know? I feel like our souls have been on a long journey together. For a long long time...
SS: Sir, Amber lives with two delinquent teenage sons and four pit bulls in a trailer park outside town. The bad trailer park. Not even the good one. What do you imagine is going to happen, here?
TR: I'm going to move in with them.
SS: Oh, here we go. I'm going to need you to sign this right now.
TR: I don't want to.
SS: It's full coverage-but you're going to have to move into a care center and have adult supervision.
GK: April is a dangerous month, and you never know what might happen. (ORGAN)
SS (TO HERSELF): I shouldn't be thinking about this -- kneeling at the communion rail -- but he looks so sexy in those vestments.
GK: You need love insurance. Now. Come on down to Mutual Romance & Responsibility Insurance. Help us help you build a financial shelter for when the storm hits. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)