(WESTERN THEME)
Sue Scott: The Lives of the Cowboys...true stories of loneliness and self-esteem issues in the Old West... Brought to you by Cactus Jack astringent pads...pre-moistened with mesquite...
(HORSES CLIP CLOP, WHOAS, WHINNIES...DISMOUNT)
Garrison Keillor: Let's tie the horses up here, Dusty. (TYING, HORSE WHINNY. FOOTSTEPS)
Tim Russell: "Stage Door...Fox Theater...Golden Gulch Awards. -- Never knew there was an awards show for cowboys.
GK: Yeah, well, lots of things you and I never knew, I reckon. (BIG DOOR OPENS, CREAKING) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES)
Fred Newman: Yeah?
GK: We're here for the Golden Gulch Awards. You probably have our names down there on your list. I'm Lefty and he's Dusty. I'm a nominee for songwriter of the year.
FN: Oh. -- Didn't anybody tell you it was a dress-up affair?
GK: We dressed up the best we could, mister.
FN: Okay, come on in. -- Backstage is that way. Show starts in a little bit. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: An award show for cowboys-hmmmph. (VOICES IN PASSING) Boy, get a load of those people over there. Ha. If they're cowboys, then I'm Paris Hilton.
FN (OFF): Paris Hilton? Where? Did somebody say Paris Hilton?
SS: (OFF): I think she went that way-
FN (OFF): Where?
SS (OFF): The ladies' room-oh my gosh, what's she wearing?
TR: Lefty, we don't belong here. What are we doing here?
GK: I was nominated for an award, Dusty. Thought I ought to show up. Out of loyalty to the industry.
TR: Industry? What industry?
GK: You might want to tuck in your shirt, pardner. (TR SNORTS) (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (BIG, ACTRESSLY, IN PASSING): I adored you in "Riders of the Purple Sage" -- The scene where you're pouring your heart out to your horse. It was priceless. I couldn't believe the horse got nominated and you didn't.
TR: Who's she talking to? Me?
GK: No. -- This way--
FN (PHOTOG): Hey, you! Over here! (FLASH, FLASH)
GK: Photographers, Dusty. Smile. (FLASH, FLASH)
FN (PHOTOG): Not you! Her!
GK: Sorry! (FLASH FLASH)
FN: Out of the way! -- (FLASH FLASH)
GK: Let's go-- (FOOTSTEPS) I'm supposed to meet the producer back here. I guess I'll be singing my song and then they open the envelopes and announce the winner.
TR: Whaddaya get if you win?
GK: A big golden belt buckle. With a gulch on it.
TR: That's it?
GK: That's the Golden Gulch Award.
TR: Real gold?
GK: Nope.
TR: Hardly worth the trouble.
GK: Well, you do it for the exposure.
TR: A man can die of exposure. So where are all the foxes? Guess they'll show up after the show. If you win.
GK: Shhh shhh shhh -- look. Over there. (SOME HUBBUB, OFF) It's another contestant, doing his sound check, I reckon.
TR (SLIGHTLY OFF, WILLIE):
On my horse again
Just can't wait to get on my horse again
Riding down the trail, it's like a form of zen
And we'll smoke those funny cigarettes when we go round the bend
On my horse again...
GK: Dusty-- it's Willie Nelson.
TR: Where?
GK: Over there...
TR: I don't see him.
GK: I guess he ducked down behind a curtain...Oh well. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) If Willie's in the running, I don't think I stand much chance, pardner.
TR: I think you may be right. (HUBBUB)
GK: There's another one.
TR: Who's he? Somebody's hairdresser?
GK: That's Bubby Montana, the singer songwriter.
TR: Bubby Montana?
GK: He's up for a nomination too.
FN (BUBBY): You want me to pose with the guitar? Okay. How's this? You want my left foot up on the hay bale? Great. You want a picture of me singing? Hey. Of course. No you can't touch the hat. Yeah that's there for a reason. (HE STRUMS, SINGS)
I ride my horse across the lonesome plains.
I ride my horse in snow and wind and rains.
I ride my horse until the day I die.
I ride my horse, I ride my horse.
TR: The closest that man has been to a horse is when he opened up a can of dog food.
GK: Shhhh.
TR: He's a fake. And he doesn't know the territory.
GK: Keep your voice down, Dusty. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Look at those Gucci spurs on that guy. What a phony.
GK: Let's just keep moving.
FN (OFF, PRODUCER): Lefty!!! Is there a Lefty here??? LEFTY!!!
GK: That's me, sir. (FOOTSTEPS)
FN: You Lefty?
GK: Yes, sir.
FN: Okay, I got you going on in a minute and a half.
GK: A minute and a half????
FN: You all set? Got yer guitar?
GK: Yeah but I'm not in tune. (OFFKEY CHORD)
FN: Sounds good. Listen. We're short on time. Can you cut the song to 45 seconds?
GK: Cut it?
FN: Yeah.
GK: Well, it's a ballad. It tells a whole story.
FN: You can tell a story in 45 seconds.
GK: I thought I was gonna--
FN: Okay. Here's your makeup person.
SS (DEEP): Hold still and look up, okay. (GLORPS AND SPLORTS) Okay, close your eyes, I'm going to spray your hair. (FIRE EXTINGUISHER) Okay, you're all done.
FN: Okay. You're going to walk onstage from here and go straight out there to the lamppost and then turn left and walk to where the horse is tied to the hitching rail and stand right behind the horse and the microphone will come up from the floor and you sing your song.
GK: You want me to sing it with the rear end of the horse right behind me?
FN: Yeah. And forty-five seconds. Okay? Go. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: So I walked out to the lamppost...and turned left and the spotlight hit me right in the eyes and there was applause (APPLAUSE) and that spooked the horse a little (WHINNY) but I stood behind him and the microphone came up...(STRUMMING)
GK: (SINGS)
As I walked out on the streets of St. Louis
I saw a great arch on the old river shore
And below that arch I saw a young lady
So beautiful she was hard to ignore.
FN (OFF): Okay, okay. Wind it up. C'mon.
GK (SINGS):
And that is the story of me and young Wanda
And every word I tell you is true.
And that is why I could never forget her
The lady I met on the streets of St. Lou.
(WHINNY)
Yodeladi-i-adi-e-yodel-adi...
(PLOPS OF HORSE MANURE)
GK: I could hear the horse behind me, a sound I had heard often on the trail, and then the curtain came down fast (WHOOSH, THUMP) and a man came in with a shovel (SHOVELLING MANURE INTO PAIL) and they hustled me off stage (MEN'S VOICES, URGENT, GIVING ORDERS) and they cut to a commercial about pickup trucks (ENGINE REVVING, CORNERING) and they threw me and Dusty out in the parking lot (HEAVE-HO, AND DOOR SLAM).
TR: What happened? What'd you do?
GK: You didn't see it?
TR: No, I was busy talking to that lady with the big hair.
GK: Oh. Well, there was a horse on stage and he had an accident.
TR: So they're punishing you?
GK: Well, I yodeled and I guess they assumed there was a connection--
TR: Aha. You yodeled and the horse exercised his critical faculties.
GK: Well, I'm sure it'll all blow over in a few days.
TR: That stuff doesn't blow, Lefty. It tends to sit in a pile and get dry and hard.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And Dusty was right. We went into a coffee shop the next morning and ordered breakfast and the waitress went to the booth next to ours and this guy was sitting there--
FN: Morning, Myrt.
SS (DEEP): Morning, what can I get you, Bob?
FN: (CHUCKLING) I'm just laughing about that awards show I saw last night--
SS (DEEP): Oh? What was that?
FN (CHUCKLING): This idiot singer with a deer-in-the-headlights look came out and sang a stupid song that made no sense at all (HE STARTS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) and at the end of it a horse took a dump. It was wild.
SS (DEEP): A horse did? (SHE IS LAUGHING) You mean, on TV?
FN (LAUGHING): This big old hind end of a horse, right there--
SS (DEEP, LAUGHING): Oh, that is rich. That is so funny.
FN (LAUGHING): Big load of horse manure. I was watching with Marge-- she jumped up like it was coming straight at her.
SS (DEEP, WHEEZING): So--what'd the poor guy do?
FN (LAUGHING): The schlump with the guitar? He looked like somebody shot him.
SS (DEEP): I wish I'd seen it.
FN (LAUGHING): It's on YouTube.
SS (DEEP): Really--
FN (LAUGHING): It's the most popular video there. Three million hits since last night.
SS (DEEP): Oh that's rich.
FN: The President mentioned it in his press conference this morning.
SS (DEEP): So what can I get you?
FN: Oh, the usual. -- Just don't bring me a whole big bowl of refried beans, okay?
(THEY LAUGH AND WHEEZE) --
TR: What you hiding your face for, Lefty?
GK: Tell me when the coast is clear and I'll just scoot on my hands and knees out the door.
TR: You gotta face up to it, Lefty.
GK: I'm going to spend the winter in Saskatchewan, or someplace...
TR: They got the Internet everywhere. Listen--
GK: I'm going to grow a big beard.
TR: This could be the springboard you need, Lefty. Just write a song about it. (HE SINGS) You said I was a horse's rear end but I'm still singing my song, old friend.
GK: Never mind.
TR: There is no such thing as bad publicity, Lefty. This could be your big break.
GK: I'm going to just hold this newspaper up over my eyes and move toward the door. (OFF) Bring me a muffin, would you?
TR: You want a horse muffin?
GK: Never mind.
(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by iBridles -- iBridles with iPods built in so your horse can enjoy fine music all day long. I-Bridles, a product of Road Apple.