(THEME)


Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND UNDER)


Garrison Keillor: It was January in St. Paul and business was slow as it generally is when the temperature gets down close to zero. Man's wayward nature tends to settle down in the winter --it's just too much trouble to get up to the usual mischief. What the roller bag did to bellboys, winter does to private eyes -- so I was sitting in the Acme Building working on the crossword and wondering who might buy me lunch --when I got a call. (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Yeah, Guy Noir here.


Fred Newman (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Bill Fox down at the Fox Theater in St. Louis.


GK: Yes, sir. Heard you got a big winter storm down there.


FN (ON PHONE): Ice storm. Yeah. Lot of downed trees, power lines out, people having to get along without electricity. That's sort of why I called. How soon can you get down here?

(STING AND BRIDGE)


GK: Half an hour later I was on a flight from St. Paul to St. Louis, continuing on to St. Petersburg. A new airline, called Doctrine Air run by Dominican nuns --


Sue Scott (NUN): Yes, sir?


GK: I can't get my footrest to go up, Sister.


SS (NUN): That's not a footrest, sir. That is a kneeler.


GK: Oh.


SS (NUN): And Sister Icarus is not going to land until you've said your prayers, sir.


GK: Sister Who?


SS (NUN): Sister Ignatius. What did I say? (PLANE DIVES)


GK: The pilot dipped the left wing, then the right, then rose and then fell, it was a genuflect landing, and (LANDING SFX) and Mr. Fox was there to meet me at the gate. (FOOTSTEPS)


FN: This way, Mr. Noir. (FOOTSTEPS) Thank you for coming so quickly.


GK: Hey, my afternoon was free.


FN: Here's the car over here. (BRIDGE)


GK: It was a 1927 Model T Ford (SFX), from the year the theater was built and we headed into town and drove to the Fox. He pulled into the alley (HORN BEEPS) and they lowered a drawbridge (SLOW HUM OF MOTOR, RATCHET) and a man on horseback rode out waving a sword-- (HOOVES, WHINNY)


TR (OFF, BRIT): Onward! through the breach, my good comrade! Come into the full meridian of your glory. To be or not to be...Or to be sometimes, and not at other times, Or none of the above. Onward! (WHINNY, HOOVES, OFF)


GK: Very dramatic.


FN: Well, it's a theater after all. (CAR REV AND UP DRAWBRIDGE)


GK: The car drove onto a platform and there (STEAM) a steam hoist raised us high into the fly gallery where he drove onto a ramp and parked the car there (CAR, GASPS, DIES) and then--


FN: Hang onto me, Mr. Noir.


GK: He grabbed hold of me and grabbed hold of a chandelier and we swung (BIG SWING, LONG ARC, JINGLE OF GLASS, GK CRY) all the way across the stage and he grabbed hold of a rope and (SLIDE DOWN) we descended thirty feet to the stage (THUMPS OF LANDING)--


FN: There. You all right?


GK: Fine, just tell me the next time you plan on doing that--


FN: Look out! Behind you! (ELEPHANT CRY, GALLOP PAST)


GK: And a bull elephant came lumbering across the stage with a soprano on top (SS SOPRANO VALKYRIE WARBLING) and pulling a circus wagon with a lion inside (LION SNARLING, PASSING) and no sooner had they gone out the loading door than--


FN: Look out!!! (RUNNING FEET)


TR: CRIES OUT IN ITALIAN


FN: It's Rigoletto! He thinks I've poisoned his daughter!!!


GK: Look out! He's got a sword! (SWORDFIGHT, FN AND TR EXCHANGING SALLIES AND THRUSTS AND PARRIES) And the two of them fought with rapiers across the stage and down into the auditorium and up the aisle and into the lobby (FADING SWORDFIGHT) and up to the balcony. I walked into the wings where a woman sat in a little office --


SS (DEEP): Hey-- you-- come here-- listen to this--(FOOTSTEPS)


GK: What is it?


SS (DEEP): My radio ain't working. Hey-- you ain't Jimmy.


GK: I'm Guy Noir.


SS (DEEP): Oh, I thought you was Jimmy.


GK: No, I'm a private eye.


SS (DEEP): Oh. Well, what are you doing here?


GK: I'm not sure.


SS (DEEP): Oh. Welcome to the club. Listen to this-- (CLICK, TUNING. ORGAN THEME)


TR (ANNC): The adventures of...JUNGLE JIM. (TARZAN CRY) AND HIS DOG BARF. (DOG WOOFING) brought to you by Skipper Galoshes for Kids...(JUNGLE BIRDS AND BEASTS) (CRUNCHING OF FOOTSTEPS)


FN: The missionaries' children wandered off the path, Barf, and we've got to find them before it gets dark. (WOOFS)


GK: Gosh, I haven't heard that show since -- well, since I was a kid.


SS (DEEP): I'd say that's a long time ago. So why is it on the air, in St. Louis?


GK: Maybe it's a station that does old-time radio shows--


SS (DEEP): No, I'm talking about every station on the dial-- listen-- (CLICK, TUNING)


(TELEGRAPH KEY)


TR: This is Edward R. Murrow and this is London. (DISTANT SIREN) I'm standing on the rooftop of this building in Mayfair from which I can see across Hyde Park and also Buckingham Palace as searchlights scan the sky, their brilliant splotches of light against the low cloud cover, attempting to pick up German Luftwaffe -- the siren you hear in the background is a signal to air wardens that -- (SS OFF: Sweetie, what are you doing?) they should stand by at the shelters and await further instructions -- (SS OFF: Why'd you leave the party, Eddie? C'mon, kiss me--) I'm going to take this microphone now and head down these stairs (RAPID RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS, SS OFF: Eddie? Where you going?) so that we can go out on the street and get some of the (FADING)


GK: Interesting. Sounded like something from 1940 or 1941. So this is on every station?


SS (DEEP): Every one...here's another one...(BAND: HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN) --


TR (FDR): All we have to fear is fear itself. And all we have to eat is food, and all we have to drink is beer. So let's drink it and all try to have a good time.


GK: Hearing that gave me an idea-- excuse me, ma'am-- (FOOTSTEPS) and I got a lantern and went down the steps under the stage of the Fox. St. Louis is built on limestone that is laced with caves which some of the early breweries used to store beer and after I'd gone down about five flights of stairs I opened a door (CREAKING DOOR) and found myself in a dark passage (DRIPPING)-fetid water dripped from the walls, and bats flew past my face (BAT WINGS) and rats on the floor (RATS) and (FOOTSTEPS) I walked to where I saw a sliver of light and there was a door. I opened it (CREAKING DOOR) and I was in a giant underground cavern -- Hello-- FN ECHOES) --


TR (GERMAN): Guten Tag. (REVERB)


GK: Who're you?


TR (GERMAN): I am Dr. Earbeiter. Heinrich Earbeiter.


GK: What do you do down here, Dr. Earbeiter?


TR (GERMAN): I keep things.


GK: What do you keep?


TR (GERMAN): Everything. Everything at all. I throw away nothing. It is all here. I have it. What do you want? Whatever you want, I have it down here?


GK: I can make out shapes of old calliopes and wagons and statues there in the dim light--


TR (GERMAN): Don't look for the light switch because -- there is none. (HE LAUGHS)


GK: Why no light, Dr. Earbeiter?


TR (GERMAN): Because light -- it is destructive to memory. In the dark, we can remember better. So I keep it all down here. In my magic cave.


GK: But then if a person doesn't remember what everything used to look like, he won't know what you have down here.


TR (GERMAN): Exactly my point.


GK: I need to go, Dr. Earbeiter. Which way is the stairs?


TR (GERMAN): Here-- a magic signal decoder ring from a box of Grape Nuts. (DECODER SIGNALS, LIKE SONAR)


GK: And so I found my way back to the stage of the Fox Theater, where Mr. Fox was waiting.


FN: So -- did you solve the problem, Mr. Noir?


GK: What was the problem, Mr. Fox?


FN: I forget-- (TR CRY IN JAPANESE) Oh oh-- It's Mr. Moto again. Excuse me. (THEY BATTLE IN JU-JITSU, CRY AND THRUST-- FADING)


GK: It only goes to show that if you build on limestone, you're going to have caves and where you've got caves, you're going to have echoes of the past. That's all.


(HIGH HEELS APPROACH)


SS: Hi, sailor. You here for the show?


GK: Which show is that, Toots?


SS: It's the Lucky Strike Cavalcade, with Glen Gray and the Casa Loma Orchestra, and afterward they're having a dance marathon. Winner gets a thousand smackeroos. You look like you maybe dance a little bit.


GK: I have cut a rug now and then, yes.
SS: The marathon might go on for weeks. Think you're up to that?


GK: With you in my arms, what's a week or two?


SS: We have to keep dancing. Around the clock. We take turns sleeping in each other's arms.


GK: I think I could handle that.


SS: Okay. Glad to hear for it. Care for a smoke?
GK: Naw.


SS: L.S.M.F.T.
GK: I gave it up.


SS: Gave up smoking? When?


GK: About thirty years in the future.


SS: Oh. You don't dare to smoke one in the past?


GK: I better not. I might get excited.


SS: Okay. Well-- Let me go slip into something more comfortable-- bye bye. See you in a minute. (SHE BLOWS HIM A KISS)


GK: There are parts of the past a man wouldn't mind revisiting now and then. (SEXY SAX) A leggy blonde with fire-engine lipstick who wants to dance with you from now until spring. I thought of her all the way home (PLANE IN FLIGHT, INTERIOR)


SS (NUN): We'll be landing in St. Charles in ten minutes.


GK: St. Charles? I'm going to St. Paul--


SS (NUN): From St. Charles we fly to San Antonio and then St. Paul.


GK: That's kind of an odd route.


SS (NUN): God's way is not necessarily man's way. Be patient. And don't forget your kneeler.


GK: Okay, sister.


SS (NUN): And wipe the lipstick off your chin. For mercy's sake...


(THEME)


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.