Garrison Keillor: ...after this message in the public interest...

Tim Russell: If you're planning to drink on New Year's Eve, please use your cell phone responsibly. Sometimes people who are three sheets to the wind get the idea that they should call people up at three in the morning and apologize for having been a jerk, but it isn't appreciated as much as you might think. (FN DRUNK: Hey are's me...look, I just called to say that you are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.) The appreciation of a drunk is not a great compliment necessarily. The Bureau Against Drunk Dialing says: give your phone to a friend. Don't mix drinking and dialing. Sleep on it. Pass out on the couch. A message in the public interest, brought to you by Coffee...

Smells so lovely when you pour it,
You will want to drink a quar't
Of coffee.
It's delicious all alone, it's
Also good with doughnuts.
Black coffee.
When you wake up New Year's morning
Feeling like a traffic warning
Do not sit there dark and tragic
Let coffee do its magic
Brew it dark and brew it strong
And you will sing along
With coffee