Garrison Keillor: -- Is she on the phone now? She is? Okay. Mrs. Santa Claus is on the phone from the North Pole. (PICKUP) Hello? Mrs. Claus?

Walter Bobbie (ON PHONE): Yes, hello?

GK: Mrs. Santa Claus, how are you? Tired, I would think-- this is a big time for you.

WB (OLD LADY, ON PHONE): Tired, yes, but happy. Somehow, I don't know how, we got it done again, and now he's off in that crazy sleigh, and now -- it's good to be alone.

GK: You're alone on the polar icecap?

WB: I'm fine. I'm used to it.

GK: Isn't it cold up there?

WB: Not as cold as it used to be. That's the worrisome part. But I'm fine. There's some open water just beyond the Workshop --ice isn't as thick as we thought -- but I take it one day at a time. (OFF) You get out of there!!! Git!!! Hear me!!!! Leave those cookies alone!!!

GK: Mrs. Claus, what is it?

WB (OFF): You git or I'm going to come and smack you one, you hear?

GK: What is it, Mrs. Claus?

WB: It's those darned elves.

GK: Oh?

WB: (OFF) Those are not for you! Git!

GK: Mrs. Claus--

WB: They get high as a kite and think they own the place-- (OFF) Shoo! Git! (DOOR SLAM) There. Got

GK: So what are you doing now, Mrs. Claus?

WB: Right now, I'm whipping up some seal teriyaki-- (SIZZLE)

GK: I see.

WB: Hang on, just let me add a little oil here--(FLAMEUP) Whoa! About lost my eyebrows there.

GK: You be careful-- are you sure you shouldn't call up an elf or something--

WB: Oh, don't be silly. (CLUMSY KNOCKING) Hang on just a minute, someone's here (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT, DOOR OPENS, POLAR BEAR, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS RETURN) Ok. I'm back.

GK: Sounds like you have another visitor.


WB: Yes. A polar bear.

GK: A polar bear!?

WB: Oh he's a sweetie pie. Aren't you a sweetie pie? Say hello. (BEAR) You hear him?

GK: Mrs. Claus, I don't know about this--

WB: He just likes getting scratched, don't you? Don't you-- (HAPPY BEAR) He's lying on his back with a big smile on his face.

GK: He's not going to claw you--

WB: No-- I'm the one who has the Claus. Get it? I'm the one who's got the Claus. -- (CHUCKLE) I love that joke.

GK: I think maybe we'd better let you go now, Mrs. Claus--

WB: Call me Jennifer. Here-let me just get my hair out of this little bun. Ahhhh. Much better. Curtis loves to dance--(BEAR)

GK: He's a dancing bear?

WB: He is, and when you dance with a bear, remember: he leads and you follow. (BEAR) Come on, honey. Let's dance. (BEAR) (MUSIC)

GK: We're going to say goodbye now, Mrs. Claus--

WB: (SINGS) We'll have a little nightcap
Out on the polar icecap
And dance across the Arctic--
Up here where we parked it.

GK: Merry Christmas to you, dear.

WB (SINGS): Way up here north of Canada
It looks like I've been handed a
Glass of something caloric.
Here's looking at you, New Yorick.