Twas Christmas Eve at the jailhouse
Where I was locked away
My Visa bill was overdue
And I had no cash to pay.
I had been out shopping
For gifts of style and glamor
And then my card it was declined
And they threw me in the slammer.
My children must have Christmas
They'll have the very best
Toys and clothes and perfumes
And be elegantly dressed
I broke my back to please them
I could not disappoint
And they must never know that I
Am locked up in the joint.
And then an hour later
The poorhouse jailer came, he
Took me to his office
And there were Sean and Amy.
They cried, O Daddy tell us
What evil have you done
To bring this awful shame upon
Your daughter and your son?
To spare my children's feelings
I told them a lie:
That I shot a man in El Paso
Just to see him die.
They turned away in horror
From that monster, their old dad,
Not knowing I had given them
All the luxuries they had.
My children will have Christmas
And I spared no expense
And that is why I'm locked up here
Behind a barbed wire fence.
So long as they are happy
It means the world to me
And I will gladly do my time
In the penitentiary.
And then at the stroke of midnight
An old man with a beard
Opened up my jail cell
And said, "You have been cleared."
You only did your duty
As any dad would do
So here's the key to a brand new car
My children will have Christmas
And so will Tiny Tim
And so will Holden Caulfield
And also Huck and Jim
And maybe Captain Ahab
Can escape those cruel jaws
And I tell you, yes, Virginia,
Oh there is a Santa Claus.