Garrison Keillor: Here's a gift for that hard-to-please person on your Christmas list. Looks like a cellphone but actually it's a cellphone PLUS a camera (SHUTTER) PLUS a satellite radio receiver -- receiving country music channels (BANJO), classical (SOLO CELLO), adult contemporary (BARRY: I write the songs that make the whole world sing), hiphop (HIPHOP RHYTHM), gospel (SOUTHERN LADY: He's got the whole world in his hands), talk radio (GIBBERISH), baseball play-by-play (BAT, HIT, CROWD ROAR), NASCAR racing (RACECARS PASS BY FAST), PGA golf (SWING, CLICK, OOOHHH), plus you can send and receive e-mail (YOU'VE GOT MAIL), send faxes (HUM OF FAX), and it slices bread (SLICER) and toasts it too (RATCHET TOAST DOWN), plus it's a back massager (HUM), and in an emergency a Taser gun. (ZAP) It's the XXXL-7 and it's yours for just 10.99. Three-hundred thousand hours of entertainment every year including NASCAR races (SFX), PGA Golf (SWING), talk radio (GIBBERISH), heavy metal (LED ZEPPELIN), adult contemporary (I WRITE THE SONGS THAT MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING), country (BANJO), classical (SOLO CELLO), and Celtic. Plus camera (SHUTTER), Taser gun (ZAP), back massager (HUM), toaster (POP UP), and cellphone (RING) (PICKUP). Hello?

FN: Hello. You're toast.

GK: What?

FN: You're toast. (ZZAP)