Garrison Keillor: So you forgot to set your clock back for daylight saving time (ALARM), so you wake up at six but actually it's five o'clock (SHOWER) and you head for work (CAR ACCEL) and there isn't much traffic on the freeway and when you arrive at Federated Association of Organizations, the front door is locked (RATTLING LOCK) -- so you swipe your key card (BEEPS) and (DOOR OPEN) in you go and (FOOTSTEPS) the building is empty. What's going on? And then you remember what your manager told you on Friday.
Sue Scott (FLEXNER): We're shifting to a new market-based paradigm of client-centered self-sufficiency, Bob. Shifting our assets from profit-sharing marketability to real-time results-based matrix homogeneity. Okay?
Tim Russell: Uh, sure. Heck, yes.
SS (FLEXNER): You following me, Bob?
TR: I'm right there.
GK: Maybe what she meant to say was --
SS (FLEXNER): The company's gone belly-up, Bob. The stock is in the toilet and your pension fund is gone like dry leaves. You're going to be living in a cardboard box for awhile.
GK: Thirty years and they're kicking you out. (
TR: How can they do this?) Your pension fund is gone. (
TR: Pfffffftttt. Nothing!) You've served these people faithfully. (
TR: I still have six months accumulated sick leave!) You've sat in your tiny cubicle for thirty years and read their memos and now-- (
TR: What am I? Used Kleenex?) They can't do this to you. (TR FURY, STOMPING FOOTSTEPS) And you pick up your computer (TR EFFORT) and you rip the wires from the wall (RIPPING, SHORTING) and in that moment the alarms go off. (KLAXON, WHOOPING ALARM, ELECT VOICE: Step away from the computer), and you fumble for the switch to turn it off (FUMBLING) but you hit the sprinkler system instead (SPRINKLER) (
TR: Oh no-oh no!) and you make a run for it (RUNNING) and out the door and just as it closes you remember you left your billfold inside (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) with the key card (
TR: I'm locked out!) (JIGGLING HANDLE)-and you reach for your car keys and-- where are they? (
TR: I left them in the ignition!) You left the car running. (CAR IDLING) (
TR: How could I be so stupid?) You lean on the car in despair (TR SOBBING), and it starts to roll downhill. (CAR ROLLING SLOWLY). It's heading straight for the school playground. (DISTANT KIDS CRIES OF GLEE) -- you set the computer on the roof of the car and you run alongside the car (RUNNING, PANTING), hanging onto the door handle, trying to slow it down (CAR ROLLING ON GRAVEL) and you're running (HEAVY BREATHING) and your sleeve gets caught on the handle (TR PANIC) and you try to get it loose and the door handle rips your suit and shirt off you (RRRIP), and the car veers to the right and smashes into the building next to the school (BIG CRASH), the precinct station, and all the kids wet their pants (KIDS IN UNISON: Uh oh.) and there you are in your underwear by a playground and the police are coming (COP TALK) and there's your boss headed for the office-
SS (FLEXNER): Morning, Bob. Enjoy your extra hour of sleep? (THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like a piece of Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.