(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(THEME UNDER)
Garrison Keillor: It was Saturday and I was waiting for a call from this woman I met online in a chat room. Her name was Arlys and she was a flight attendant for Roll 'Em Charter Air which flies Airbuses from the Midwest to Las Vegas. We chatted for a while and I suggested we meet and maybe go see a movie, so I gave her my number and then I sat and waited, hoping, hoping, even though I am a little skeptical where people are involved.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, there is a leak.
I believe that out there in the darkest night, some perverts peek.
I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come who's more risque
I believe, I believe.
I believe above the storm the smallest pray'r will still be heard.
If not by someone divine, then by a bird.
Every time I hear a newborn baby cry, then I am glad, it isn't mine.
So I can sleep-- I believe!
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)...Yeah. Come on in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN)
Sue Scott (SUGAR): Oh hi, Guy. How's it going? Whatsamatter? Aren't you glad to see me?
GK: Oh hi, Sugar. No, just in a reflective mood. You know.
SS (SUGAR): You look like you been stood up by somebody.
GK: Not at all.
SS (SUGAR): You have, haven't you. You were all set to go out. You've got your slacks on with the tummy control.
GK: Sugar, I'm sitting here thinking. Can't a guy think?
SS (SUGAR): You were stood up by your dream girl. Who is she, Guy?
GK: Sugar, I am not waiting for anybody.
SS (SUGAR): Don't lie to me, Guy. I know you like a book. A large-print book. Anyway, I don't care. See anybody you want to see. I just came in to ask a big favor-- you remember Fred? The saxophonist at the Kit Kat Club?
GK: Right.
SS (SUGAR): Next week is Fred's birthday and it's also the first anniversary of our first date. We went to a ballgame and we left after two innings, we were so attracted to each other--
GK: Spare me the details, Sugar. What's the favor?
SS: Fred is a Bob Dylan fan and I'd like you to get in touch with Dylan and have him call Fred up and sing him Happy Birthday.
GK: You want me to get Bob Dylan to call up your boyfriend and sing Happy Birthday to him.
SS (SUGAR): Sure. Is that a problem?
GK: No, of course not. I'll get right on the phone and give Mr. Dylan a call. (PHONE RING) Why there he is right now, probably. (PICK UP) Yeah, Guy Noir here.
Tom Keith (WENDELL): Guy? It's Wendell. Down at the Deli. You want that pastrami on pumpernickel or rye?
GK: Oh hi, darling. Listen, can I call you right back? I've got a client here.
TK (WENDELL): I said it's Wendell. At the deli. Remember?
GK: Sure, you wear the green one with the spaghetti straps. I like it. Perfect, sweetheart.
TK (WENDELL): How about jeans and a sweatshirt? That be okay?
SS (SUGAR): Here, let me talk to her. I can tell her some things she ought to know.
GK: Get your hands off the phone. (A SLIGHT STRUGGLE BETWEEN SS AND GK)
TK (WENDELL): Oh I get it. You're trying to make Sugar jealous.
SS (SUGAR): Hello? Who is this?
TK (WOMAN): Bye-bye, sweetheart. (HANG UP) (DIAL TONE)
SS (SUGAR): Where'd she go?
GK: I don't know. Where'd they all go? Where'd life go? Why am I here? What's the answer? What's the question?
SS (SUGAR): Anyway, would you do me that favor, Guy? It'd mean so much. Fred is just a prince of a guy. After all the losers I dated all those years --
GK: Hey, wait a minute.
SS (SUGAR): Fred is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Get me Dylan, Guy. I'll make it worth your while.
GK: Oh? How?
SS (SUGAR): I know a woman who'd be perfect for you. She's a little bit on the heavy side and she needs some electrolysis but she's in the field of corrections so she's used to dealing with difficult men.
GK: Thanks for the recommendation. (BRIDGE) I headed straight for the Five Spot where Jimmy was just shaking a margarita. (SHAKER LATIN RHYTHM, TR SINGING, OFF: Ai yi yi yi, ai yi yi yi. South of the border, down Mexico way.) Hi there, Jimmy-- long time no see.
TR (JIMMY): Oh hi, Guy. How's everything?
GK: Fine. Listen-- Jimmy -- you know Bob Dylan, right?
TR (JIMMY): Used to know him. Years ago. He used to come in here and play piano on Saturday nights.
GK: Really--
TR (JIMMY): He was going through his Gershwin period then. Wearing a tuxedo, sitting at the piano, and singing --(SINGS, AS DYLAN) "I got rhythm...I got music...I got my girl, who could ask for anything more? Old Man Trouble. I don't mind him. You won't find him. Round my door."
GK: Hey. You could do me a big favor--
Rich Dworsky: You call that a Dylan impression?
GK: Who's he?
TR (JIMMY): He's been giving me grief all afternoon.
GK: Sounded pretty good to me, sir.
RD: That's cause you never heard anybody do it right. (SINGS, AS DYLAN) "You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend. When I was down you just stood there, grinning."
TR (JIMMY): Awwww, you got him all wrong. That's not Dylan.
GK: Well, how about one of you guys do me the favor of-- (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP.)
SS (BREATHY): Hi, doll. Been waiting long?
RD: Hey. It was worth the wait.
SS (BREATHY): I just flew in from Vegas. The plane was late.
RD: Not a problem, Arlys. You hungry?
SS (BREATHY): Yeah. I just have to call this other guy and tell him I can't make it, okay?
RD: Not a problem. I've got all night.
(SHE DIALS CELLPHONE. PAUSE. THEN CELLPHONE RINGS)
GK: Is that your cellphone, Jimmy?
TR: No, it's yours. My cellphone ring is Roy Orbison singing "Pretty Woman".
GK: I think I'll take the call in the men's room. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
(CELLPHONE RING, PICK UP)
GK: Ray's Pizza, what can I do for you?
SS (ON PHONE): Oh. Is there a Guy Noir there?
GK: He was here but he's gone now.
SS: Oh. Well, this is Arlys.
GK: Oh sure. He told me you might call. Listen, he can't see you tonight. He was working security at a Bonnie Raitt concert and -- she sort of took a shine to him -- and now he's flying off to Rio with her. Or someplace.
SS: Oh. Okay. Bonnie Raitt, huh?
GK: Yeah. It was after the show, he was helping her on with her coat, and -- something electric happened between them -- and next thing you knew he was getting into the limo with her.
SS: Oh really-- well, tell him I called.
GK: I sure will. (BRIDGE)
GK: I washed my hands and by the time I got out to the bar, the Scotsman and Arlys were gone.
TR: Get you a drink, Guy?
GK: Naw. Not for me. Would you mind calling up this boyfriend of Sugar's and sing him Happy Birthday in Dylan's voice? Okay?
TR: Okay. Sugar's boyfriend? The one who was in here and told me what a loser she said you were?
GK: Her boyfriend did?
TR: He said that according to her you chew with your mouth open and you clean out your ears with a paper clip.
GK: The saxophonist at the Kit Kat Club?
TR: Yeah. Right.
GK: Okay. Never mind the happy birthday. I'll call him myself. (DIALS) (RING OTHER END) (PICKUP, VOICEMAIL MESSAGE AND BEEP) Yes, Mr. Herbster, this is Kent Kooper down at the IRS...we've been looking at your latest return and I wonder if you could gather together your receipts and come down here asap, we'd like to talk about your business expenses. Thank you. (HANG UP)
TR: That was cruel, Guy.
GK: Sometimes you have to smack one of them down so that word gets around to the others and they lay off for awhile.
TR: I wonder what that little Scottish guy has that you and I don't have.
GK: It's all the power of illusion, Jimmy. The power of illusion. Maybe I will have a drink. Gimme a ginger ale with a twist.
TR: Coming right up.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to figure it out, Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(MUSIC OUT)