Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER)

Garrison Keillor: It was October, turning cold and drizzly and windy, and I'd stuffed old newspapers in the windows to keep out the drafts, and I turned on the TV for extra heat


Sue Scott (INGRID): But what about us?

TR (BOGEY): Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.


SS (OLDER, NYER): Guy? Hey, Guy--

GK: What? Huh? Who-- Oh. Doris.

SS (OLDER, NYER): You watching TV?

GK: No, I just had it on. What can I do for you?

SS (OLDER, NYER): Just came to say goodbye. Came in to clear out the last of my stuff.

GK: Yeah. Well, we're sure gonna miss you. Acme Building won't be the same without Broadway Records. Who's moving into your space?

SS (OLDER, NYER): Coffee shop.

GK: Another one!

SS (OLDER, NYER): It's called Four Bucks.

GK: Huh. Where will it all end? Well, it's the end of an era. The last record store downtown. Where am I going to go to get LPs?

SS (OLDER, NYER): You could go to Al's Breakfast Nook.

GK: Al is selling LPs?

SS (OLDER, NYER): LPs and typewriters, carbon paper, tire chains--

GK: Well, where you headed for? Sarasota?

SS (OLDER, NYER): Yeah. Should be there by Wednesday.

GK: Huh.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Me and Harold bought a condo there five years ago, six months before he died.
GK: Aha.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Harold never would've sold the record store, you know.

GK: I suppose not.

SS (OLDER, NYER): He was a saver. By the way, I brought over that 45 by the Driftwoods you were looking for.

GK: The Driftwoods!!

SS (OLDER, NYER): "Donna Donna"--

GK: Rings a bell.

SS: "Rings A Bell" was their second record. And "Where'd You Go Ta"?

GK: Somehow I don't remember asking for this. (SCRATCH OF NEEDLE ON RECORD, THEN MUSIC)


Met you back in sixty-four
Donna Donna
You were standing by the door
Donna Donna
I said, "Do you need a ride?"
Donna Donna
You said No and went inside
Donna Donna
Haven't seen you since that day
Donna Donna
Someone said you moved away
Donna Donna
If you hear this, give a call
Donna Donna
I am living in St. Paul
Donna Don--
-- ving in St. Paul
Donna Don--
-- ving in St. Paul
Donna Don--
-- ving in St. Paul
Donna Don-- (NEEDLE SLIDE)

SS (OLDER, NYER): Got a little skip in it. So. Bring back memories?

GK: Unfortunately, yes. They were the guys in the white chinos and the white cashmeres. People stayed away from their concerts in droves out of fear of being made to sing along. Everything was a sing along.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Eventually it became pretty clear why they liked sing-alongs.

GK: Because they didn't sound that good, the three of them.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Exactly. The one in the middle sang flat, but it was his sound system.

GK: Anyway, I didn't order the Driftwoods. I ordered the Drifters.

SS (OLDER, NYER): I got you down for "Donna, Donna" and also for "Where'd You Go Ta"--

GK: But I don't want a Driftwoods record.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Maybe it was going to be a gift.

GK: I'm not that sort of a guy.

SS (OLDER NY): Here. Listen to this. (NEEDLE ON LP) This was their big hit. (MINNESOTA ROUSER, SLOW)

Love you Rhoda
That is the truth
Where'd you go ta
Up to Duluth
I just called your mom and she said she thought
You went off to Omaha.
Coldest town I ever saw.
Colder than you know what.

SS (OLDER NY): Remember it?

GK: Trying to forget.

SS (OLDER NY): Well, here. A gift from me. (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

GK: Yeah, come on in, the door's unlocked.

Richard Troxell: Excuse me.

GK: Yes, sir--

RT: I know you're probably terribly busy, Mr. Blanc. Maybe running late for a meeting or expecting a call from Hollywood.

GK: Sir-- you're looking for Guy Blanc. Tenth floor. This is the twelfth floor.

RT: All I'm asking for is one minute of your time.

GK: You've got the wrong guy.

RT: Just sixty seconds. One minute.

SS (OLDER, NYER): Who is he?

GK: Singer. Can't you tell by his hair?

RT: Please. I know you're busy. You're producing shows, you're directing, you're writing, you've got your hands full, but I just want sixty seconds of your time--

GK: Look. I'm not busy, I'm not going anywhere, not expecting a phone call -- I just don't like music. Especially not tenors. You're a tenor, aren't you?

RT: You could tell?

GK: Look. My name is Noir. Not Blanc. He's on the tenth floor.

RT: Thirty seconds of your time-- that's all--

GK: Sir, please-- don't--


GK: Okay, okay, okay-- thirty seconds is up.

RT: That's not all I do. I can do musical comedy, opera, light opera, pop standards, folk--

GK: Folk--



SS (NYER, OLDER): He's rather strong for a tenor, isn't he. (DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN)

RT: "Maria----Maria----"

GK: Thank you. We'll let you know. (DOOR SLAM) (LOCKS)


SS (OLDER, NY): So who does he think you are, Guy?

GK: He thinks I'm this fly-by-night downstairs who produces dog and pony shows --

SS (OLDER, NY): Anyway, I'm off to Sarasota. -- (SUGGESTIVELY) You ever consider moving to Florida, Guy?

GK: If I'm gonna have to deal with auditions, maybe.

SS (OLDER NY): It's a big condo. I could rent you a room.

GK: Awww. I'm all done with that hanky-panky.

SS (OLDER NY): Well, forget the hanky, we'll just do the panky.

GK: I'm too old. I found some audio of heavy breathing and I downloaded it onto my iPod.

SS (OLDER NY): What's an iPod?

GK: Never mind.

SS (OLDER NY): Awww just stick it in your ear.

GK: Of course.


SS (OLDER NY): Boy, he doesn't give up, does he.

GK: He's on the window ledge. (WINDOW OPEN)


GK: See you around, Doris. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

RT: Come back! I'm not done!

SS (OFF): Sarasota. I'm in the phone book. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) (BRIDGE)

GK: I ran down twelve flights of stairs (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and went down the alley (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, ALLEYCAT) and cut through a parking lot (FASTER) and I boarded the Selby-Lake bus (BUS DOOR CLOSE, PULL AWAY) and I got off two blocks later and got in a cab (ACCEL) which took me into a parking garage (BRAKES SCREECH) and I ran down a hall (FOOTSTEPS) and got on the elevator (DING, DOOR CLOSE) up to the first floor and I ran out an emergency exit (ALARM, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and through a sushi joint (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TR JAPANESE ALARM, DOOR CLOSE) and through the Cafe Boeuf next door (DOOR OPEN, TK MAURICE ALARM, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) and into a Turkish bath (DOOR OPEN, STEAM, TR TURKISH, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN CLOSE) and into the Greyhound Bus Depot (TR ON PA: Aitkin, Anoka, Becker, Beltrami, Benton, Big Stone, Blue Earth, now leaving from Gate 4 --) and I hid in a stall in the men's room (TOILET FLUSH) and still he found me--

RT: Excuse me?

GK: What is it?

RT: That's you in there. I recognize you by your trousers.

GK: I'm not Guy Blanc, the producer.

RT: If you weren't a producer, why would you be running away from me?

GK: I just don't care for music that much--

RT: You haven't heard my best number yet--

GK: Please. Just let me go--

RT: I thought you already went. You've been in there long enough.

GK: You're wasting your time, sir.

RT: What's time to a tenor? (HE SINGS AUDITION #4) (BRIDGE)

GK: I finally threw my shoe through a window (GLASS BREAKAGE) -- the police came and (SIREN) they took me away -- I was charged with defacing public property, bail was set at $100 -- guess who paid it?

RT: (SINGS) C'est moi, c'est moi----


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --

RT (sings): Guy Noir-- Private Eye--