Sue Scott: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Conquistadore Barn Door Openers.....the electronic opener for when you're tired of getting down out of the saddle....your horse will appreciate it too (WHINNY) and now here's today's story.... (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, HORSE HOOVES)
Garrison Keillor: Alaska, Dusty. Whoa. Whoa. (WHINNY. HORSES PULL UP)
Tim Russell: According to the map here, we go up Desperation Gulch and around Heartache Lake and along the Misery River and Fool's Paradise is up there, through Inadequate Pass.
GK: I thought you took the Asinine Creek up to the Slough of Despond and go over Melancholy Hill.
TR: Nope. It's the Misery River. Take us right into Fool's Paradise.
GK: I don't know why we're going to Alaska.
TR: Neither do I but purposelessness never stopped us in the past, why start now?
GK: I'm sure that girl must've left Alaska by now.
TR: What girl?
GK: Girl I met. Flight attendant for Sitka Airlines. Years ago.
GK: Wrote a song about her.
(SINGS) At night I sit and ponder in the saddle
And look across the lonesome dusty plains
And think back to my weekend in Seattle
A cowboy town, because it has the reins.
Moonlight on the mountains of Seattle
And you and I were dancing side by side.
I'd bathed so I no longer smelled like cattle.
And asked you dear if you would be my bride?
You said we'd say I do when salmon run was through
Then you took your crew and flew to Honolulu
Moonlight on the mountains of Seattle
Everytime it rains I think of you.
TR: Don't yodel, okay?
TR: There isn't a second verse to this song, is there?
GK: Not that I know of, no. Anyway, she was a flight attendant. If I met her again, I'd give up cowboyin' in a minute.
TR: You'd quit cowboyin'?
GK: I'm a "people" cowboy, not a cow cowboy. Give me a home where the buffalo roam? It don't follow. Buffalo have nothing to do with home. And I'm sick o' deer and antelope. I'm sorry if this sounds like a discouraging word, but animals do not make for a home. Not on the range nor anywhere else.
(BRIDGE, PASSAGE OF TIME)
Erica Rhodes: Cup of coffee?
GK: Sure. (POURING)
ER: Care to see a menu?
ER: Thought you were leaving town.
GK: I was.
ER: You look sort of.... lost.
GK: Always get lost when I come to town.
ER: You want to talk about it?
GK: I'm a cowboy. We don't talk about that stuff. We just spit.
ER: I don't understand why you cowboys go on the way you do, riding all over on miserable cattle drives and sleepin on the ground n' comin t' town filthy an' lonesome an' throw away y'r hardearned money on gamblin n' drinkin' n' then go back out on th' trail and repeat the whole cycle again like you were some kinda smallbrained animal instead of learning how to live y'r life and find love and contentment in one place and get along with people and be at peace with yourself. (SHE HAWKS AND SPITS. DISTANT DING)
GK: Some things there ain't an explanation for.
ER: That's dumb. (SHE HAWKS AND SPITS. PAUSE. DISTANT DING OF SPITTOON)
GK: That's what I call good spitting.
ER: So if the trail is your life, how come you're not out on it right now?
GK: Looking for a lady.
ER: What's her name, Lefty.?
GK: How'd you know my name?
ER: Because she left a note here for you. Yvonne Beebalo.
GK: Yvonne did?
ER: Week ago. Here.
GK: Read it to me. I don't have my glasses with.
ER: My dearest Lefty, I am about to head for Sitka and I am wishing I'd see you again, though I suppose there's not much chance of that, you being a cowboy. If you came back, I'd be happy forever, but you won't, so I guess I better go back home and marry Don Ludwigson. Love, Yvonne. -- It's so sweet. -- More coffee?
GK: No, I'm heading over to the saloon. Look for my pardner.
(BRIDGE, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CAMPTOWN RACES......)
SS: Yeah? What can I bring y'?
GK: You have any whiskey?
GK: Whiskey. It's made from corn.
SS: This is a wine bar, mister. We got two kinds. We got screw top and cork top.
GK: Let me try some o' that screw top.
SS: (SHOVES BOTTLE ACROSS TABLE) There.
GK: Put it on m' tab, ma'am. The name's Lefty. (SUDDENLY THE ROOM GETS STILL. THE PIANO STOPS)
SS: Did you say y'r name 's Lefty?
GK: At's right.
SS: At's what I thought you said, mister. (A SILENT PAUSE. THEN A SQUAT UNSHAVEN COWBOY WALKS OVER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, FINALLY STOPPING.)
Fred Newman: You say y'r name 's Lefty, Mister?
GK: At's right, mister.
FN: My name is Don Ludwigson.
GK: Yvonne's new boyfriend.
FN: That's right. From Yvonne's description, I'd guessed you were a much smaller guy.
GK: Is that right?
FN: That's right. This's my town. And she's my girl. Git out.
GK: I hear tell that you fancy yourself a Scrabble player. Is that right? (CROWD OOOHHH)
FN: Is that a challenge?
GK: Might be.
FN: Well, I don't play Scrabble unless there's money on th' table, mister.
GK: Well, maybe there's goin' to be money on th' table. (HE PULLS OUT A ROLL AND TOSSES IT ON THE TABLE)
(THEY SIT DOWN TO THE TABLE.)
FN: I feel lucky today. (FLIPS COIN) I'll deal.
(HE DEALS SEVEN TILES TO HIMSELF AND SEVEN TO LEFTY.)
FN: Why looky there? I just happened to draw seven letters that spell zeppelin.
GK: That's eight letters.
GK: I challenge that.
FN: Okay. (HE QUICKLY THUMBS THROUGH PAGES OF A BOOK. POKES AT PAGE WITH FINGER) Right there. Zeppelin. See?
GK: That's not right.
FN: Mr. Colt here says it's right. (GUN CYLINDER SPIN) That's ten, eleven, twelve, fifteen, seventeen, thirtyfour, plus fifty bonus eightyfour you lose y'r turn for losin' the challenge, I draw seven more letters (HE DRAWS) why looky there? I just happened t' draw quizzical. QUIZCLE.
GK: You sure that's how that's spelt?
FN: You care to challenge me, mister?
GK: I never seen that word spelt that way. (CYLINDER SPIN) Okay.
FN: Good. (HE SLAPS DOWN TILES) At's ninetyfour, hunnerdfour, eight, ten, twelve, plus double there, hunerd twenny four, plus bonus, hunnerd seventy four y'r turn, mister.
GK: Hmmmmm. (PAUSE) (HE HUMS, HE TAPS ON TABLE) Well, let me see here. Okay--there.
(TWO TILES ARE PLAYED).
FN: What's that? Rue?
GK: Rue. R-u-e.
FN: Rue, huh? (HE LAUGHS LOUDLY, A HIGH CACKLE) Well, okay. Rue for you. Three points. So the score is.....(HE HAWKS AND SPITS)....hunnerd seventyfour t' three. My draw. (RUSTLES IN LETTERS) why looky there I done drawed Cuisinart. QIZNART. (HE PUTS DOWN SEVEN LETTERS) Cuisinart. Lemme see, that's a hunnerdeightyfour, ninetyfour, two hunnerd two, four, six, plus triple word score, hunnerd 'n thirty six, plus the bonus, and at's two hunnerd eighty six. T' three. (HE CHUCKLES)
GK: Hold on, mister.
GK: You drawed a Z there and two Zs last turn and another Z y'r first turn. That's four Z's.
GK: Everybody knows there's only the one Z in a Scrabble bag.
FN: Not in this town there ain't.
GK: How many in this town?
FN: Just as many Z's as I say.
GK: That's no fair.
FN: You're in the west mister.
GK: Yer a lowdown nogood dirty cheatin weasel.
GK: Yeah! Y'weasel.
FN: Weasel's nuthin. Y'r a lowdown nogood dirty cheatin flimflammin, fourflushin shortchangin, deckstackin, dicemarkin charlatan, shyster, chiseler and mountebank, peon, pissant and poltroon.
GK: Ya--well, you're a big dope!
FN: HA! Dope! Ha! You are an airhead, buffoon, crumbbum, dork, eunuch, feeb, guttersnipe, has been, imbecile, jackal, kretin, lunkhead, meathead, numbskull, oaf, peabrain, quack, rascal, stoopnagel, turkey, upchuck, vulture, weasel, yahoo, and zero.
TR: He's got you, Lefty.
GK: I been writing too many love songs. I forgot how to insult somebody.
FN: The gun wasn't loaded, by the way.
FN: The pen is mightier than the pistol.
GK: Okay, pal. You wont a game of Scrabble, by your own rules, and you won the girl, Mr. Ludwigson.
FN: I think you better leave town before we run you for governor.
(WHOOPS) (HORSE HOOVES)
SS: The lives of the Cowboys.....brought to you by Santa Fe Table Napkins for the Trail.....they're paper, so you can use em for kindling, but they're durable, so you can use em for napkins over and over.