(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
Garrison Keillor: It was a beautiful summer and once again I was trying to.read Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina" which I've been trying to read ever since a beautiful woman walked up to me at a dance and asked if I'd read it, and like a dope I said no. She said "Oh" and walked away. I was reminded of that girl by a telemarketer who called the other day.
Erica Rhodes: (ON PHONE, SEXY) Hi, big boy. You know what I like in a man? I like knowing that he's not afraid to make a move. A big move. Like replacing his old siding with durable, new aluminum siding. Why don't you call me right now? I'm waiting... for you...Bye. (BEEP)
(BRIDGE)
GK: I was in Seattle at the time, applying for a job with a cruise line. Interviewing with a woman named Sheila. (BRIDGE)
SS: Mr. Noir, I'd like you to come aboard the SS Quondam as a model.
GK: Me? A model?
SS: We want you to come and have a wonderful time wallowing in luxury as a way of showing other people from the Midwest that it can be done.
GK: Me?
SS: We get a lot of Lutherans on our cruise ship, Mr. Noir, and once they arrive on board, they get busy trying to make themselves useful, cleaning up and so on. They get in the way of our staff and they spend nothing in the casino or the spa. So we'd like you to have a massage every day and a seaweed scrub and then go to the casino and toss away a couple grand at the blackjack table and have a couple Martinis and so on.
GK: Well, I could try to do that--
SS: People would look at you and think, If that schlub can do it, then why can't I. (BRIDGE)
GK: She wore a light blue summer dress, that was rather translucent, and I knew I shouldn't look but I made myself do it. She had short blonde hair and her lipstick was a color I don't associate with women's studies programs, a shade of red a woman should never wear unless she really means it. -- Ma'am, I was brought up to be modest, but I'm willing to change.
SS: There's just one thing. Have you read Anna Karenina?
GK: I've always meant to.
SS: Oh, that's too bad.
GK: I could read it today.
SS: Do you think that'd be possible?
GK: Of course. If I had the seaweed scrub, would it be possible to have my hair washed with brine shrimp?
(BRIDGE)
GK: So I went to a Digital Learning Center and got a copy of Anna Karenina --
FN: The way it works is-- you take this pill to help you sleep and you turn the audio tape on high speed and in 30 minutes, you'll know Anna Karenina by heart.
GK: How much?
FN: Nine hundred and fifty nine dollars and sixty seven cents.
GK: Well, what choice do I have?
(STING)
GK: I took it back to the hotel and swallowed the pill (GULP) and turned on the machine (HIGH SPEED VOICE) and lay down and went to sleep (SNORING) and woke up an hour later feeling different. Very different. (TR, FN, SS RUSSIAN VOICE IN SWIFT DIALOGUE) And I looked at the audio tape. They'd given me Anna Karenina in the original. (MORE RUSSIAN DIALOGUE) So-- instead of working on a cruise ship, I'm working on a Russian trawler off the Aleutian Islands (SHIP HORN), working the nets, hauling up codfish and salmon.
TR: (RUSSIAN COMMAND)
GK: I can understand what they're saying but I can't say anything in reply. The worst of all possible worlds. But-- a man lives on hope.
SS (RUSSIAN):
GK: She's the only woman on the boat and she seems interested in me. She's a little heavier than what I'd like, but -- she has nice eyes. Nice teeth. Both of them.
SS (RUSSIAN):
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)