(MUSIC, THEME)
HOW THE KRONICKS STAYED MARRIED: A story.
Garrison Keillor: A lovely summer afternoon and at the Kronick house a spider was spinning a line from the spruce tree to the garage across the walkway from the house to the garbage cans.
Tim Russell: (WITH EFFORT) My third attempt this morning. I am about running out of juice. (EFFORT) Almost there-- (STRAIN) Oh no. Not him!(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) No! Go the other way! Don't! (BOINGGG. CRY OF ALARM, HE FALLS, GROANS)
GK: The man who walked through the spider web went in the house. (SCREEN DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Meanwhile, on the telephone line overhead, a magpie sat looking down at the spider.
Sue Scott: There he is. Dead meat. I could snap him up and have him for supper just like that. But I remember that last spider I ate. Yecchhh. Bitter. Worse than maggots.
GK: In the upstairs bedroom window a boy sat crouched with his BB gun aimed at the magpie...
Fred Newman: Boy, I could pull this trigger and knock that bird off like nothing. Man. (SS OFF: Ricky! Ricky, what are you doing??) Darn.
GK: And downstairs Ricky's dad was washing the windows with Windex and planning to send the boy to math camp.
TR: He won't like it -- it's four weeks of cramming, but it'll get him into calculus and he needs that if he's going to do pre-med.
GK: Ricky's mom Twyla was standing by the phone. .
SS: I can't believe I'm doing this. Running away to Hawaii with my chiropractor Stan. But I'm in love. What else can I do? I hope he calls to tell me when the flight leaves.
GK: Little did she know that Stan was looking at her right now through a pair of high-power binoculars from his Jaguar parked in the alley.
FN (DEEP): She's heavier than I thought. I donno. I don't mind love handles but those are more like railings. And her ankles are thick.
GK: Just then the spider made one more attempt.
TR (WITH EFFORT): Almost there-- (SQUORTING) -- another inch. A half-inch. (SIGH) I made it. Fourth attempt.
GK: And a bee flew straight into his web. (BEE, THEN GETS TANGLED. TRIES TO FLY LOOSE)
TR: Relax.
FN (BEE): What do you mean, relax? I got pollen to carry.
TR: Your pollinating days are over, pal.
FN (BEE): What are you talking about?
TR: You're my supper, pal.
FN (BEE): Hey come on. I gotta keep the species propagating. It's my job.
GK: The magpie flew down -- just as the boy shot the BB gun-- (BANG) and missed the bird and hit the Jaguar. (POCK)
FN (DEEP):Hey! Who's shooting! (HONKS HORN)
GK: And the horn confused the magpie so she flew right into the kitchen window. (KONK, SS UNCONSCIOUS)
TR: A magpie. Wounded. And it's my fault for cleaning the windows.
GK: He ran outside (FOOTSTEPS) with his wife right behind him--
SS: What is it?
TR: A magpie.
GK: Just as Stan, in search of the shooter, came running up the walk toward the spider's web where the bee was caught-- (FOOTSTEPS)
FN (BEE): Please let me go.
TR: Never. Oh oh. Not again! (FOOTSTEPS PASS, BOINNGGGG OF WEB BREAKING. SPIDER FALLS. OUCH. BEE FLIES AWAY) Dang it.
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Stan didn't see Tom kneeling by the magpie. (
SS: Ooohhh. What a headache.) He ran up to Twyla --
FN (DEEP): Somebody took a shot at my car. Somebody in your house.
SS: Ricky!!!!
FN (DEEP): Do you still want to go to Hawaii with me, darling?
SS: Stan-- we have reservations--
FN (DEEP): So you do, too? So do I.
SS: When are we leaving?
FN (DEEP): Oh. What's wrong with the magpie?
TR: She sprained her neck flying into the window.
FN (DEEP): I'm a chiropractor. Let me have a look. (SS BIRD CROAK) Here, I'll just adjust her neck. (CRRRACK OF NECK) There. I just needed to crack a couple vertebrae.
GK: Meanwhile the spider was trying for the fifth time to spin a line from the spruce tree to the garage...
TR (EFFORT): Almost there. A few more inches. With any luck...
FN (DEEP): Bye Twyla. (FOOTSTEPS) See you later.
SS: But when?--
TR (EFFORT): No. No-- not this way-- go around. Go around (BOINGGGG, HE FALLS TO GROUND) Why does this keep happening to me?
FN: Dad? Mom? Is everything all right?
SS: Of course, honey. The magpie just flew into the window, that's all.
TR: She's fine now. There she goes. (WINGS FLAPPING)
SS: Close the door, Ricky. (BEE) Don't let the bee get in the house!
FN: Okay, mom. (SCREEN DOOR SLAP)
GK: The Jaguar left. (CAR REV AND ACCEL). It had two big white splots on the windshield left by the magpie.
SS (BIRD): Somehow banging my head gave me a bad case of diarrhea.
GK: The driver of the Jaguar turned on the windshield washer (SFX) but that only spread white across the windshield and he crashed into a telephone pole. (CRASH, CRUNCH, HUBCAP SPINNING). The pole fell (SLOW CRUNCHING, CRASH) and the phone lines snapped. (SFX)
GK: And so when Twyla picked up the phone to call Stan to see when their plane left for Hawaii--
SS: No dial tone. -- Let me borrow your cellphone.
TR: Okay.
GK: She dialed Stan (DIALING) not knowing that he had been taken to the hospital with major memory loss.
FN (DEEP): Let me see. Gender. M or F. I know the answer, don't tell me.
GK: The plane left at 4:25 p.m. (JET FLYING OVER) and Twyla unpacked her suitcase.
SS: Nuts to him.
TR: You going out tonight?
SS: No. Why?
TR: You want to go to a movie?
SS: Sure.
GK: And that's how Twyla and Tom Kronick stayed married for another day. The End. (BUTTON)