Garrison Keillor: I grew up listening to radio -- out there on the open prairie, it was our only entertainment, that and Parcheesi. We had an antenna on the silo and sometimes the pigs ate through the cable, but it was pretty much always there for us. My sexual awakening took place, listening to Earlene Johnson do the 5 a.m. livestock report.


Meryl Streep (WITH SOME EROTIC IMPLICATIONS): Turning to hogs now, on the South St. Paul livestock market, we find 350-375 lbs. boars going for 12.55-13.25.


GK: I loved Earlene Johnson. She was like family except nicer. At six a.m. she sang a hymn on 'Inspiration Time"-- (ORGAN)

MS (SINGING): Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling.
Calling for you and for me;
See, on the portals He's waiting and watching.
Watching for you and for me.


GK: And she did the Community Bulletin board at 9:55--


MS: The Philolectian club will meet on Tuesday to hear Mrs. Ethel Pratt give an illustrated talk on raising hydrangeas. Lunch will follow.


GK: And then at 12:30 she came on in a soap opera called "One Gal's Kitchen," and my mother and I always ate lunch at 12:28 and ate our celery first so we wouldn't be crunching when Earlene came on the air -- (ORGAN THEME)


Tim Russell (ANNC): And now Jorgensen Grommets and Fasteners brings you another episode of "One Gal's Kitchen" -- the story of Broadway star Brenda Stanford and her search for fulfillment as a wife and mother in the sleepy village of Littleton -- (THEME UNDER)


MS: Crepes! Why? (RATTLE OF PANS) Why do I bother? All they really want is frozen burritos heated in a microwave. And Fred-- I could put silage in a bowl and cover it with ranch dressing, he'd be fine. I never felt so-- (FOOTSTEPS)--pointless--


John C. Reilly: You'll never be pointless in my book, Miss Stanford--


MS: Oh! -- The milkman. Joe. Sorry. You startled me. (SHE TAKES A BREATH, AND LAUGHS)


JCR: I saved a pint of whipping cream for you, ma'am. It's specially good today.


MS: Oh?


JCR: I figured you might be making crepes again.


MS: Sometimes I think you know me better than my own husband does--


JCR: Maybe I do. I saw you six times in "Streetcar Named Desire"--


MS: You did???


JCR: Six times. I kept going back. I'll never forget it, you were great.


MS: Oh--. Well--.


JCR: I brought pomegranate yogurt.


MS: Pomegranate! I adore pomegranate! It's my favorite fruit.


JCR: Mine too.


MS: Yours?


JCR: Yes.


MS: I never met a man who loved pomegranate. Fred won't touch fruit.


JCR: I love fruit. All kinds. Especially fruit with seeds in it. I'm crazy about seeds.


MS: Oh --


JCR: What is it? You're pale--


MS: You touched me.


Virginia Madsen: Hello, Brenda.


MS: It's my sister-in-law, Monica.


VM: This is so tawdry. A milkman. Really.


MS: It's tawdy to have a conversation in the kitchen with a man who accepts me as a person and shares my love of fruit?


VM: It's always about you, isn't it, Brenda-- it's always about people understanding and accepting you -- when are you going to start understanding him?


MS: You're an idiot, Monica.


VM: You're a failure as a cook and a failure as a woman .


MS: I'm not going to take that from you-- you witch (SHE AND VM STRUGGLE. KONK) You hit me-- with a rolling pin--


VM: It's about time somebody did.


MS: Where am I? -- Am I on? -- is it my scene? -- (FOOTSTEPS) (SOUTHERN) I am going back to Belle Reeve and hang paper lanterns in the trees and put a record on the gramophone and dance -- look, down by the river -- the air is full of fireflies -- it's life -- just waiting to embrace us and dance us around and around and around...(ORGAN THEME)


TR: Once again Jorgenson Grommets and Fasteners has brought you "One Gal's Kitchen," starring Earlene Johnson as Brenda Stanford. (BRIDGE)


GK: "One Gal's Kitchen" was terribly exciting, it brought tragedy and heartbreak and adultery and sometimes amnesia into our humdrum Lutheran lives, so we listened to it every day and then we stayed tuned for "The Blanchford Gelatin Request Show" at 2:30 --


TR (ANNC): And now Blanchford Gelatin, makers of tasty desserts that build strong bones and tendons, brings you Earlene Johnson to sing songs requested by you the listeners.


MS: Thank you, Jimmy. Our first request comes from Sue and Bucky in Minnetonka -- they've asked for "Indian Love Call" -- One of my favorites. So we'll be sending out a party-pack of six Blanchford Gelatins to them and also this song-- (PIANO) (SINGS) When I'm calling you-u-u-u-u-u-u, Won't you answer true-u-u-u-u-u-u (FADE) (BRIDGE)


GK: I imagined her in a black gown with a string of pearls, but then a scant half-hour later she was wearing flight goggles in a show called --
TR (ANNC): "Babs McCauley and the Lady Aces Air Squadron" is on the air.


MS (SINGS): Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun.
Here they come, zooming to meet our thunder;
At 'em girls, give 'him the gun!
TR (ANNC): America at war in the Pacific ...and out of their secret airbase on Howland Island (PROP PLANES, PASSING), world-famous aviatrix Babs McCauley leads her Lady Aces in the fight for freedom...(PROP PLANES, HUMMING)


MS (ON INTERCOM): I'm going in, Angel. Cover me.


VM (ON INTERCOM): Got your back, Babs. You go, girl.
(PLANE DIVING)


Sue Scott (ON INTERCOM): Angel, this is Lipstick. We've got Zeros coming in at two o'clock high. Six of them.


VM (ON INTERCOM): I'm heading for cloud cover, Lipstick. I'll come around from behind.


SS (ON INTERCOM): Where's Babs? I don't see her.


VM (ON INTERCOM): Don't worry about Babs. She'll be just fine.


(ANTI-AIRCRAFT SHELLS EXPLODING)
SS (ON INTERCOM): Those anti-aircraft shells! They're shooting at Babs!


VM (ON INTERCOM): You got a Zero on your tail, Lipstick. Hold steady now... (MACHINE GUN, EXPLOSION) Got him.


SS (ON INTERCOM): Thanks, Angel.


VM (ON INTERCOM): My pleasure. Let's get out of here. (PLANE DIVING, INTO BRIDGE)


TR: A few hours later...in the officers' club -- (TROPICAL GUITAR)


MS: Quite a circus out there today. Had so many people shooting at me I was starting to take it personally.


VM: What happened anyway?


MS: I went down to take a gander at Tojo's battlewagon and there were two Zeros waiting for me just like the town cops back in Pawnee, Nebraska, when I was a kid. Ha ha ha ha ha. Boy, did I give em a jolt in the shorts. I went straight at em. Mano a womano. Opened up the pea shooter --hot lead flying -- you shoulda seen the look on his mug. He was crapping building materials. (ROUGH FEMALE LAUGHTER)


SS: So that was the big explosion I saw.


MS: Yeah. That was him oxidizing.


JCR: More drinks for you, ladies--


MS: Careful who you call ladies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Another round of bourbon. And beer for a chaser.


JCR: We've got a nice Chardonnay today--


VM: What'd you say, mister?


JCR: I was just pointing out that--


VM: Did I hear you say "Chardonnay"--


SS: Easy, Angel.


VM: Do we look like wine drinkers to you? Huh?


JCR: No, but--


VM: I oughta take this ashtray and make it part of your head. Chardonnay...


MS: Easy, Angel. Easy. He didn't mean anything by it. Got a light, sailor?


JCR: Sure. Here. (MATCH)
(MS INHALES, EXHALES)


MS: Probably you never saw three women in sweat-stained flight suits tossing back shots of bourbon, have you.


JCR: No, ma'am.


SS: Well, when you've been out there collecting shrapnel in the sky, you sort of lose your taste for white wine, if you know what I mean.


JCR: But why do they have women flying combat missions?


VM: You ever see men try to fly in formation? Huh? Men have no sense of spatial relationships. They fly around in circles and they get lost. A woman can find her way in and out of cloud banks. Day or night, rain or shine. At least she can if her name is Babs McCauley--


(THEME: Here we go in the wild blue yonder)


GK: My admiration of Earlene Johnson grew with time. She was everywhere, she did everything. And when I got to be sixteen, I could stay up late at night and listen to her some more (SMOKY JAZZ PIANO, ABOUT THIRTY-TWO BARS, AND THEN...)


MS: Hi. It's that time again. Just you and me, the cool people, here in the small hours. Earlene's my name, case you didn't know. Welcome to "One For The Road". Cool jazz until the cows come home. --Speaking of cows-- never thought we'd wind up here, did we. Minnesota -- living with gophers -- wind chill-- cheese -- what happened, huh? Where'd we take the wrong turn? Well, never mind. Let's put some Gerry Mulligan on, what do you say? A little thing called "Blues for Now" (BREATHY SAX)


GK: It was that Earlene that made me leave home and take a bus into the city (CARS, BUSES PASSING). I stood on the corner of Sixth and Market Streets and looked up at the Amalgamated Federation of Organizations building and counted up to the 14th floor where the offices and studios of WLT were located-- and I thought, "Oh Earlene, you don't know it, but I'm here" --and then-- --


TR: Hey kid. I'm in a big rush.


GK: A bicycle messenger handed me an envelope.


TR: Take this upstairs to WLT. Fourteenth floor.


GK: Me?


TR: Hurry. It's important. (BIKE BELL, FADING)
GK: And off he went -- and there I was, holding an envelope. An envelope addressed to Earlene Johnson-- (HEART POUNDING) I walked into the marble lobby of the building -- and passed the elevator starter--


JCR: You got business here, kid? You delivering produce or something? Huh? (ASIDE) Hey, hear that, Gene? "You delivering produce?" (JR AND FN LAUGHTER)


GK: I have a letter for Miss Earlene Johnson.


JCR: I'll see that she gets it, kid.


GK: No, I have to deliver it personally. She has to sign for it. (ELEVATOR DOOR, BELL) And up I went to the 14th floor and (BELL) walked out -- (FOOTSTEPS) radio-- glass windows -- people behind them, reading from scripts -- musicians-- (TR GRUFF GIBBERISH) management walking by -- large men in dark suits-- and a receptionist wearing a corsage--


SS: May I help you?


GK: I've been asked to deliver this to Miss Earlene Johnson.


SS: Oh, I'll take that. Miss Johnson is busy. She can't come to--


MS: I'm not too busy. I have all sorts of time. Hello. What's your name?


GK: I was too terrified to speak. I handed her the envelope.


MS: A letter for me? How lovely. (RIPS OPEN ENVELOPE. OPENS PAPER) Dear Miss Johnson, You're the lousiest performer on radio today. Your singing stinks and you can't act worth beans. Here's ten dollars for busfare. Ride it to the end of the line and don 't come back. Signed, A fed-up listener." (SHE GASPS) Oh that is so cruel. And I know that handwriting. It's from Daddy. (WEEPING) How could he do that to me now? Right after I broke up with Raoul? (SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS AND RUNS DOWN THE LONG HALLWAY) (FOOTSTEPS)


GK: She ran down the hall and I ran after her. (HIS FOOTSTEPS) -- Miss Johnson-- it's not true-- you sing great-- we all love you--


MS: I can't bear it!!!


GK: No-- don't go out the window. (HIS FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) Miss Johnson-- (HER CRY, FALLING) I caught her by the wrist as she fell and I hung on, though I only weighed 134 pounds -- I held her dangling over the busy street 14 floors below. (DISTANT TRAFFIC, BUSES, HORNS) I've been your fan forever, Miss Johnson. Listening to you on the radio is more real to me than life itself. You're a gift from God and without you I just don't know how I could keep on going. I really mean that. Could I have your autograph?


MS: Now?


GK: I have a pen in my pocket.


MS: Don't let go of me--


GK: It's in my pants pocket--


MS: Careful.


GK: I don't have any paper though.


MS: All I have is this cruel letter--from my father--


GK: Could you sign it on the back-- ?


MS: Could you lift me back up to the window first--


GK: I'll try, but my hand is all sweaty and slippery--


MS: I know.


GK: I feel as if you're slipping from my grasp. Just in case you do, could you sign the autograph now? (STING) -- And then she took hold of my arm with both hands and pulled herself up to the window and grabbed it and pulled herself in. (MS BREATHING HEAVILY) -- Wow. I never saw anyone do that before.


MS: Thanks for saving my life. I think.


GK: Hey--I'm a fan.


MS: I owe you one, kid. Big time. How about a spot on my radio show? You want to be in radio? Just say the word. I'll get you in.


GK: I couldn't, Miss Johnson-- I'm from church people, we were brought up to be selfless and only do things that would glorify the Lord.


MS: I could help you get over that.


GK: I was brought up to be of service to others without drawing attention to myself.


MS: Then I guess radio wouldn't be for you. How about a job bringing me stuff?


GK: Bringing you stuff?


MS: Coffee. Sandwiches. Magazines. Someone to go get me stuff.


VM: Hey Earlene. Who's this?


MS: Carson Wyler. He's my studio boy.


VM: Wanta get into radio, huh?


GK: Just want to be helpful, that's all.


VM: You look a little flushed, kid? You okay?


GK: I'm okay.


VM: That's what happens in radio. You get high.


MS: Shut up--


VM: I'm gonna tell him.


MS: Let him find out for himself--


VM: I want him to know.


GK: Know what?


VM: Why we're here. In radio.


MS: I'll tell him. He's mine. -- Being close to a radio antenna -- 100,000 watts of power coming from that tower with the red blinking lights -- it does things to a person.


VM: It makes everything more intense.


MS: It's like a drug.


VM: Heightened feelings. Sudden impulses.


MS: Blazing colors in a dull grey world.


VM: We started out as secretaries--


MS: Radio waves penetrated our bodies--suddenly we were different --


GK: You got that from radio waves?


VM: You look a little flushed, kid.


MS: Hey-- I'm on in three minutes. Get me a cup of coffee. Black. And a tube of lipstick. Scarlet. Radio scarlet. (MUSIC UNDER)


GK: And that's how I got into radio. I signed a vow of secrecy when they hired me, so I can't tell you more. But someday. Someday.


ALL: (SOUTH OF THE BORDER) We are in Radio
We are a show
Yes it is NPR, and how wild we are you'll never know
We're dancing on tables
We're dancing on graves
We're rather unstable
Thanks to radio waves.
Ay yi yi yi
We once were shy
Ay yi yi yi
Ay yi yi yi.