Garrison Keillor: ...after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We lost some weight eating nothing but salad and we found a tanning cream that doesn't turn you orange. So we're looking more and more attractive. And I'm enjoying work more ---- It made me nervous when my supervisor used to come in and tell me I was doing a heckuva job. So I learned how to imitate his voice perfectly on the phone and one day I called the CEO from my supervisor's office and told him I was sick of him and was on my way up to pound some sense in him, and two minutes later security came and hauled my supervisor away by the ankles. So we should have been happy. But then one day I came downstairs and found Barb, all upset, reading her college alumni newsletter. Barb, honey, what's wrong?
Sue Scott: Oh, Jim. Look. It's Julie. My college roommate. Her book's been published. Can you believe that? It's on the Times' bestseller list.
TR: Good for her.
SS: I had lunch with her last year and she broke down and cried her eyes out and said she was a big fat loser and I told her that nobody who has a dream can be called a loser, and now.
TR: Aren't you happy for her?
SS: I don't know. I mean, I wish her well but not that well----Think of what a loser that makes me.
TR: You're not a loser, Barb. She's having her success, and you've had yours.
SS: What success, Jim?
TR: Well---- you're very diligent with the recycling. I admire that.
SS: Jim, I once had ambitions of going to Hollywood and being in movies?
TR: I didn't know that, Barb.
SS: Well I did. And now I never will.
TR: Barb. It's not too late. There are lots of interesting roles for older women with difficult hair.
SS: Oh please. Actresses have a short shelf life. Like celery or iceberg lettuce. But men-men are like old Twinkies. There's no expiration date. So what am I supposed to do about Julie?
TR: Write her and congratulate her.
SS: Write my concession speech, you mean. Tell her she's not the big fat loser, I am.
TR: You know? I don't think you're getting enough ketchup, Barb. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help you accept your life choices, and move on with a positive outlook.
SS: Maybe you're right, Jim.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times, warm and soft and dreamy
People in a good mood, they're all glad to see me
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on sashimi.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times
RD: Ketchup, ketchup.