Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, from the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library, we bring you: Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.
(THEME)
Sue Scott: No, ma'am, there is no scholarly evidence that Jesus was married and had children. (VOICE AT OTHER END) No, the Last Supper was not leftovers. The movie is hogwash. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, I am sure. (VOICE) You're welcome. (HANG UP) (SS SIGHS, TO HERSELF) I am getting tired of that book. Thank goodness, the movie is getting torpedoed by critics left and right. Even George Bush is getting better reviews. Poor Tom Hanks is going to have to cut his hair and change his name. It's going to be a long time before people care to look at the Mona Lisa again, that's for sure. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) Yes? May I help you?
TR (TEEN): Hi. I came in to apply for the summer intern job you advertised? In the paper?
SS: Yes?
TR (TEEN): (CONTINUES WITH RISING INFLECTIONS) I saw the ad and I was going, like, this could be really cool, like, to be, you know, like, at the library. Like, all summer. And like, get paid for it. You know? You've got airconditioning?
SS: Right.
TR (TEEN): And wireless?
SS: Yes. What's your name?
TR (TEEN): My name? It's, like, Brent.
SS: Uh huh. Your name is like Brent? Or is it actually -- Brent?
TR (TEEN): I don't like get what you're like trying to say.
SS: My student intern this year was a boy named Trent. He got a better job delivering pizza.
TR (TEEN): Cool. So, like, what'd he do and stuff? (PHONE RING) Can I answer that?
SS: May you answer it.
TR (TEEN): That's what I said. Can I?
SS: No, you may not.
TR (TEEN): Jeeze. Take a chill supplement or something.
SS: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Herndon County Library, Miss Harrison speaking. (VOICE) No, I'm sorry, we do not have that. (VOICE) We had four copies but they've been out on loan since last October. (VOICE) Well, the people who took them out were not fast readers, that's why. (VOICE) You're welcome. Goodbye. (HANG UP) Yes, sir.
Fred Newman: I came in to see about a book?
SS: Do you know the title, sir?
FN: No, but it's a book that says that Jesus was a surfer and that the Sermon on the Mount was actually the Sermon on the Board. When the gospel said he walked on water, actually he was surfing. And when John the Baptist baptized him, that was when he fell off. And it says that rising from the dead simply meant that he was up and on the crest of a wave.
SS: It's called "The Da Vinci Dude," sir.
FN: And do you have it?
SS: No, we don't.
FN: When will you have it?
SS: When the temperature in hell drops below 32 degrees Fahrenheit.
FN: Oh. Okay. Well, thanks. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
SS: Brent -- how about you work on our window display? Summertime Reading for Pleasure. I'd like some sand and a toy bucket and shovel and a beach umbrella and a towel, and then spread these books out there--
TR: "Love in the Sand." "A Man with an Axe." "It Snaps in the Front." Cool.
SS: And don't get any sand in the books, please. Thank you.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (SHE HUMS TO HERSELF, SORTING PAPERS, ETC. THEN--) Oh! (SHE RECOVERS) You startled me. I didn't see you there.
GK: I came in to renew this book.
SS: Mr. Wyler--
GK: I just need to check it out again.
SS: You don't look well, Mr Wyler.
GK: I'm fine, I just want to get home and get back to reading this book.
SS: Mr. Wyler, let's be honest. You're not going to read that book. You know that.
GK: I am. This time I am.
SS: According to my records, Mr. Wyler, you have renewed Moby Dick by Herman Melville fourteen times over the past thirty-five years. You've checked out the book and renewed it and brought it back and then checked it out again and renewed it. It's a long sad story, you and that book.
GK: It's a big book.
SS: Face it. You're never going to finish. What page are you on now?
GK: Page 5.
SS: Page 5!
GK: I've gotten as far as page 42 and then I keep forgetting what happened and I have to go back.
SS: It's about a white whale. Ishmael. Captain Ahab. It's not complicated.
GK: I have to read it. I'm an English major. The guilt is killing me. I majored in English and I never read Moby Dick. Or Pride and Prejudice. Or Vanity Fair. I live in shame, Miss Harrison.
SS: There's help for that--
GK: What?
SS: We have a group that meets secretly in the library on Saturday afternoons. Called "Vexed By Text". People like yourself. Haunted by unread classics. Forcing themselves to read out of a sense of duty. And they get bored, and then they put it down. And then they're filled with shame for not reading it. They can't sleep. The book is there on the bedside table. They turn on the light. They read a few pages. They fall asleep. They wake up. There are drool stains on the book. They go into a shame spiral. In Vexed With Text, we show people the cure.
GK: What is it?
SS: It's called summer reading. Reading for the sheer pleasure of reading.
GK: But you're talking about trash! I'm an English major. What will people think?
SS: Who cares what they think? It's summer.
GK: What are you reading, Miss Harrison?
SS: I can't tell you everything, Mr. Wyler. Some things are a secret.
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR (TEEN): Miss Harrison, this book was, like, in that stack you gave me, but this one has, like, a bookmark in it and words are underlined--
SS: Give me that. Trent--
TR (TEEN): I'm Brent.
SS: Give me that book, Brent. Now.
GK: "Glistening Pectorals"-- what's that about?
SS: None of your business.
GK: Is that fiction?
SS: I don't care to discuss it.
GK: Interesting cover.
SS: I'm going on my lunch break, Brent-- you take over.
TR (TEEN): But I just started today--
SS: Renew his book and if anybody calls, tell them I'm out. Reading.
(THEME)
TR: Join us again soon, for another episode of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.