(THEME)
Sue Scott: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Antibacterial Saddle Soap. Just because you're cold and wet and lonesome doesn't mean you can't be germ-free...
(COWS)
Garrison Keillor: Lovely day out, Dusty. Spring's a-comin'. Cattle are restless. Even the steers. They've got memories. (RUMMAGING)
Tim Russell: What you doing?
GK: Little spring cleaning.
TR: We're cowboys, Lefty Cowboys are supposed to be dirty. That's how we preserve our independence. By being repulsive.
GK: Just trying to reduce the clutter, Dusty. (CLANG, RIP, RATTLE)
TR: You sure you want to throw all that stuff out, Lefty? You don't want this shoehorn? You throwing away these pictures? Who is she?
GK: Evelyn Beebalo. My old flame. Heard she moved to Billings. I wrote to her and she never wrote back.
TR: You don't want to keep the memory?
GK: For what? To torture myself?
TR: You don't want this nail clipper?
GK: I can chew 'em off. Maybe you should go through your bag, Dusty. Never know what you might find in there.
TR: That's why I prefer not to open it.
GK: You're carrying around baggage you forgot you even had, and it's weighing you down for no reason.
TR: I believe in not dealing with baggage -- you just keep moving and maybe it'll fall off.
GK: Whatever you want. What's this coming? (HORSE HOOVES APPROACH, SLOW) Who's this?
SS: Howdy there, boys, and thank you for choosing Desert Star Internet Services. What seems to be the problem?
GK: Got a connection problem with my laptop.
TR: I've been having connection problems all my life. That's why I'm a cowboy, alone here on the range.
GK: My connection went down last week.
SS: Of course sir. Is your ready light blinking, sir?
TR: My ready light is blinking, but I don't think that's what you came out here for.
SS: What kind of computer, sir?
GK: It's an Allis Chalmers.
SS: Allis Chalmers makes a laptop?
GK: A hydraulic.
SS: Where have you been plugging your phone line in?
GK: Telegraph wires.
SS: Telegraph wires? Western Union?
GK: I just take my computer line and make a loop and I lasso the insulator on top of the telegraph pole--
SS: That telegraph line along the trail went dead two years ago...
GK: Really-- no wonder I never heard from her--
SS: Take this wireless card.
GK: This works?
SS: Here-- I'll put it in-- (CLICKS, BEEPS) There-- You're online.
GK: How'd you do that?
SS: The entire great plains is a hot spot.
TR: I never knew that.
SS: You get wi-fi all the way from LA to the Mississippi-- look-- (
TK: YOU'VE GOT MAIL) There's sixteen e-mails from someone named LadyGodiva.
GK: Evelyn-- "Dear Lefty-- Years have passed since I held you in my arms and I sat here looking at the door and finally heard a pair of size 14 boots on the floor and it turned out to be Ronnie, so he and I -- " (SHORTING) What's going on? What is that?
SS: It says "Your computer has performed an illegal function"--
GK: What? What'd I do? (CLICKING) It won't go back on--
SS: Looks like it's burnt out.
GK: I lost it.
SS: Where is she?
GK: Billings.
TR: You want we should head for Billings, pardner?
GK: Why would we do that?
TR: We might find her.
GK: She's got Ron.
TR: You might win her heart.
GK: What are the chances of that?
TR: You want me to answer that honestly?
GK: No, I don't.
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Bowlegged Pants. The pants made for Cowboys that fit like you've been wearing them for years.
THEME OUT