(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME DOWN)
Garrison Keillot: It was March, almost spring on the tundra, and I was in Grand Forks on the North Dakota Riviera, a vacation paradise for Manitobans, working for the Lucky Harvester Casino (SLOT MACHINE SFX), on the lookout for bingo cheats. A woman from Minot had worked up a system involving blank bingo cards and adjustable rubber stamps and she had made off with $32 and a set of glassware. The Lucky Harvester is the biggest casino in the country -- with an indoor greyhound track where you can bet on racing buses (SFX), and monster tractors (SFX) -- and there's Minuteman roulette (ROCKET) and there's North Dakota craps (MOO, PLOP). And boxing. A lady welterweight named Fighting Sue. (SS BOXER GRUNTS, PUNCHING, CROWD REACTS) -- she was going up against a wrestler named Shiny Top (TR JESSE, SS GRUNTS, PUNCHING, TR REACTS) who was trying to hit her with a folding chair but without much effect (TR JESSE GETS SOCKED, CROWD REACTS). The Casino had something for everybody -- for North Dakotans, there was target shooting (SFX) and for Minnesotans there were knitting classes and swimming with dolphins (SFX) -- I was making my way through the complex when a man in a John Deere jacket walked up--
TR (HIGH): You security, sir? I'm looking for my wife. Andrea. She's disappeared.
GK: Well, maybe she needed a time out. How long ago, sir?
TR (HIGH): A week.
GK: Here in the casino?
TR (HIGH): She was playing the nickel slots and she started to get woozy from the second-hand smoke and suddenly she vanished.
GK: Well, it happens more often than you might think. What does she look like?
TR (HIGH): About this tall. Wearing a sweatshirt with a bison on it and carrying a bucket of nickels.
GK: Hair?
TR (HIGH): I donno. Brown?
GK: Sort of hair-colored hair.
TR (HIGH): Right.
GK: Andrea?
TR: Yes, Andrea. And please. It's been a week and I'm almost out of socks. (BRIDGE)
GK: There were numerous women fitting her description. Andrea?
Sue Scott (DEEP): Huh?
GK: Your name Andrea?
SS (DEEP): No.
GK: Andrea?
SS (WHISPER): Go away. I am carrying a loaded weapon.
GK: I have no doubt. Excuse me? Are you Andrea?
FN: I'm Brad. What's your name?
GK: Never mind. Andrea?
TR (CAROL): If you want me to be Andrea, darling, I can be Andrea.
GK: Easy-- (BRIDGE) I walked past the blackjack table-- (SHUFFLE) and into the next room where I saw three men playing poker with a pig (PIG)-- he was holding what looked to me to be a royal flush-- and there appeared to be a couple thousand dollars on the table-- excuse me?
TR: Shuddup. We're playing poker.
GK: Sorry.
TR: I'll raise you two. (CARDS SLAPPED DOWN)
GK: You know, I would rethink that if I were you.
TR: Beat it. (PIG GRUNTS)
GK: And then I noticed. The pig was playing with real money and the men were playing with potato chips. The pig would get a big stack of chips and then, absent-mindedly he'd eat em. (PIG MUNCHING) They were letting him win and they were letting him eat his own lunch. -- Your name isn't Abramoff, is it?
TR: Beat it.
GK: Tom DeLay?
TR: How'd you like a big squirt of pesticide, mister? (BRIDGE)
GK: I walked into the race pavilion where a crowd was gathering for a race between strange creatures-- (HOOVES, WHINNYING, MALE SOUNDS) lean four-legged creatures with human heads -- Is that a man-animal hybrid?
TR (COWPOKE): That there is a man-telope.
GK: I thought the President came out against hybrids.
TR (COWPOKE): Too late.
GK: Is it fast?
TR (COWPOKE): Runs 30-40 miles an hour but he gets lost pretty easy. (MORE HOOVES, WHINNYING, MALE SFX)
GK: How come in North Dakota?
TR (COWPOKE): Evolution's a way of life in North Dakota. Survival of the fittest. Once you've seen Fargo, you don't believe in Intelligent Design anymore. So we got the Hammerhead carp. Part shark and part carpenter. We use it to build flood walls. We got a buffalo hybrid called the"Guy-son" -- we're training it to play football.
GK: Interesting.
SS: Welcome to NoDak, Mr. Noir. I'm Cynthia Marmot, state commissioner of development.
GK: Pleasure. Quite an amazing complex here.
SS: NoDak is booming. Ever since the legislature voted to change the name to NoDak.
GK: Why did they do that?
SS: North Dakota just made people think of the other Dakota. The lower Dakota. NoDak has a good corporate ring to it. NoDak is a growth industry. Want to know why?
GK: Do I have a choice?
SS: Everyone's concerned about safety and NoDak is the safest state in the country. No ports up here. No terrorists, other than teenagers. Nobody is going to sneak up on you here. You stand on the second floor of the Motel Six in Bismarck you see all the way to Chicago. Plenty of Minuteman missiles left and the Air Force base and every male over the age of 5 has a hunting rifle Plus there are hockey players.
Fred Newman: Excuse me-- Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes, sir.
FN: You're security, right?
GK: Yes, sir.
FN: We have a situation in the Boom Boom Room. I have a busload of seniors from Valley City and they're sitting and having a lovely time at the nickel slots and listening to the band and then suddenly this woman jumps up on top of the piano and starts dancing and yelling --
GK: Is she wearing a bison sweatshirt?
FN: She was, yes.
GK: Oh oh. (HURRYING FOOTSTEPS, DOWN HALL)
FN: In here. (DOOR OPEN, SS VOICE OFF, SINGING-- Let me entertain you, let me make you smile, I've got some new tricks--)
GK: Andrea-- Andrea--
SS (SINGING): And a boom and a boom and a boom boom boom
GK: Andrea, don't throw your support pantyhouse at those old people, you might knock one over.
SS: Hey. What are you doing? You're in my light--
GK: Andrea, we're going to find a nice quiet corner for you-- some coffee--
SS: You're in my spotlight, mister.
GK: What would you like in your coffee?
SS: First time in my life I get to stand in the spotlight-- some big galoot's gotta come and block my light--
FN: Should I call the police, Mr. Noir?
GK: No, it's okay, it's okay. C'mon, kid. Down off the piano-- Easy. -- Big step.-- There you go. --
TR: (ARRIVING) Andrea!!!! You're here! Where's your bison sweatshirt?
SS: I decided to let my buffalo roam.
GK: It's okay, sir. She just got carried away.
SS: I won fifty dollars in nickels, Bernie. Fifty dollars.
GK: It's in the pail right here--
SS: I was so happy I had a beer.
TR: Andrea is Mennonite, Mr. Noir. She's never had a beer.
GK: Well, she's crossed that milestone now. Someday a glass of white wine and some cheese.
TR: It's been a hard winter for us.
SS: It's been a hard winter.
TR: We were remodeling.
GK: You should never do that, sir.
TR: Never remodel?
GK: A person can come to appreciate squalor. Squalor is a style. Not everything needs to be fresh and new. Look at Rome. Look at Florence.
TR: Never remodel...
SS: We're never remodeling. Ever again.
TR: I promise.
GK: Problem solved. (BRIDGE) It had been a hard winter. You look at the inside of your eyelids, you can see grooves in there, burned-out veins, from the cold and the wind -- but this Lucky Harvester complex went on and on -- there were covered tennis courts (TENNIS) and an indoor pool with surf (WAVES / SEAGULLS) and dolphins you could ride (SQUEAL) and a whole field with different birds in it (SHOTGUN) Hey! What are you doing?
TR (CHENEY): What are you doing there? You're supposed to announce yourself.
GK: Watch where you're shooting.
TR (CHENEY): Saw you moving, didn't want to take any chances.
GK: It's a beautiful world, sir. Much more so if you're not looking at it through a gun sight. Go ride a dolphin.
TR (CHENEY): I'm from Wyoming, I don't ride dolphins.
GK: In the pool you go-- (CHENEY PROTEST, BIG SPLASH. DOLPHIN) have fun, sir. (CHENEY, DOLPHIN) You know, I think he loves you. Your head looks a lot like his. (DOLPHIN LOVE)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its' secrets...but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)