Garrison Keillor: .....after this word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. Barb lost her wallet at the mall and had a nervous breakdown. And she managed to harness that toxic anxiety by cleaning and going on a three-day juice fast and now she's only 20 pounds shy of the weight on her drivers license. Our Internet connection went down, and I had to sit on Hold with our service provider for over an hour. Which gave me the chance to listen to a lot of flute music that I wouldn't otherwise hear. And which put me into a meditative state and my elbow slipped and my head hit the table top and the concussion made me suddenly remember where I put my car keys. So we should have been happy. But that evening I found Barb looking at herself in the mirror and working herself up into a fit.
Sue Scott: Oh Jim. Look at my teeth. They're moving.
TR: Only when you talk, Barb.
SS: No, look. They're shifting.
TR: Teeth don't move, Barb. They're stationary. That's how we can chew food.
SS: Look-my lateral incisors are starting to overlap my front teeth. I have to go the orthodontist and have retainers put on. Before I start looking like a gopher.
TR: Barb. You look fine.
SS: And my gums are starting to recede. They're going to have to take skin from my rear end and graft it into my mouth.
TR: That's a little extreme.
SS: I got a letter from the alumni association from the U. They want me to fill out a form and tell them what I've been doing for the past 30 years. And send a recent photo.
SS: Thirty years! And I look at all these gals from my class who went on to become research scientists and CEOs and what have I done? Married you and had two rotten no-good kids and put in fifteen years as a receptionist at Hooper Adhesives and now I own a hybrid car. Big deal.
TR: People need adhesives, Barb. You did good.
SS: Here's a classmate who was lowered into an active volcano to take pictures for National Geographic. What did I do? I fixed supper and watched TV.
TR: There are a lot of channels now, Barb. It takes time to keep up.
SS: Oh Jim--I am such a failure.
TR: You had a good life, Barb. No need to apologize.
SS: Had??? HAD??? You talk as if my ashes were in the urn and ready to be scattered--
TR: You have had. A good life.
SS: I don't want people to look at my picture and say, Boy, she sure let herself go.
TR: Oh Barb--
SS: How about we Photoshop my head onto Jennifer Anniston's body, Jim. No one would ever have to know the truth.
TR: Barb. It sounds to me like you're not getting enough ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you see that you're okay just as you are.
SS: So what am I supposed to write, Jim?
TR: Just write that you've found contentment through the magic of ketchup.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS): These are the good time, too good to be believed,
And your call is answered
In the order its received
Ketchup is flowing on your spinach and endive.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times.
RD: Ketchup, ketchup.