(GUY NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(THEME UP AND OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was January, one of those dull days . The kind that explains why bears go into hibernation. You're not really gonna miss anything between now and the opening of baseball season so, why not snooze? It was a day when heavy cloud cover had pulled the shades on the world and people are lined up at the pharmacy for the anti-depressants. (LOW SLOW TALK, GROANING) I was walking past the pharmacy on my way to the Hair of the Dog Barber Salon and there in line was my old girlfriend, Sugar. Hey, Sugar--
Sue Scott (SUGAR): Hi Guy.
GK: How's everything, sweetheart? Haven't seen you for awhile.
SS (SUGAR): Yeah, I been down in the dumps. I got that SAD thing.
GK: Seasonal Affective Disorder?
SS (SUGAR): No, Sensual Affection Deficit. I've been dating an engineer. He works all the time. I don't have anybody to hug me.
GK: You want a hug? I'll give you a hug.
SS (SUGAR): A hug from you would not be meaningful after the way you threw me aside like I was a gum wrapper.
GK: Who did the throwing, Sugar? I mean, you were the one who yelled at me in the airport in Hawaii that I had the brains of a box of hammers.
SS (SUGAR): I don't want to relive that part of my life, Guy. I've moved on. I don't believe in looking back.
GK: Okay. Speaking of moving on--
SS (SUGAR): Go ahead. Leave me. You did it before. I'll live. Go. Don't worry about me. I'm a survivor. That's the one thing you gave me, Guy. The knowledge of recovery.
GK: Okay. Well, glad I could help, Sugar. (BRIDGE) I headed for the barber salon and stopped in at the dry cleaner to see how they were coming on the pants (STEAM PRESS) --
Fred Newman: Be witcha in a minute, Guy!
GK: Take your time. (BIG DRYER STARTS UP WHIRRING) If you're busy though, I could come back later-- it's nothing urgent.
FN: Okay-- whatcha got?
GK: I came in to see about the pants I left here a week ago, Ernie-- the ones with the stain --
FN: Oh yeah-- I been working on that-- what was that? Nail polish?
GK: No, no-- I think somebody spilled wine on me.
FN: Looked like nail polish. I thinks to myself, why would he have nail polish on his pants?
GK: It was a food substance of some sort, Ernie.
FN: Okay, well I'm still working on it. I'll do my best. (STEAM PRESS) (BRIDGE) (SOME OCCASIONAL COUGHING AND THROAT CLEARING, REPRESENTING CROWD OF GUYS)
GK: I got to the barber salon and it was full of people -- and a big brown dog. (WOOF) -- Hey, Janine-- I thought I had an appointment for three o'clock-- (SNIPPING)
SS (DEEP): Ya do-- I'll get to you.
GK: Who are all these guys?
SS (DEEP): They're trying out for "The Music Man". (SNIPPING) I'm directing it at the community theater starting Valentine's Day. You oughta try out for it, Guy. You'd be good. (DOG WOOFS)
GK: I don't think so.
SS (DEEP): You could be Marcellus, Harold Hill's sidekick, the one who sings "Shiboopi".
GK: I don't have any desire to sing "Shiboopi".
SS (DEEP): You'd be great singing "Shiboopi".
GK: I have no interest in "Shiboopi" -- And I'm sorry you brought it up, Janine. "Shiboopi" is a song I've tried for years to forget. And I was almost successful.
SS (DEEP): Sing it. Go ahead. (SHE SINGS) Shiboopi, shiboopi, shiboopi--
GK: I know how it goes, believe me.
SS (DEEP): I need somebody for the part of Marcellus.
GK: I'm not going to. Speaking of parts, how about a haircut?
SS (DEEP): I'll get to you just as soon as I'm done with Rex. (SNIPPING, PANTING)
GK: I didn't know you did dogs, Janine.
SS (DEEP): I've got a few canine customers. Rex is one of them. (WOOFS) Put your head down, Rex. Thanks. (SNIPPING)
GK: Not to be critical, but it's sort of disconcerting to go to a barber and find a dog sitting in the chair. You know?
SS (DEEP): Almost done.
GK: I mean, it's sort of a shock. Like coming into a restaurant and finding a dog sitting at a table with a napkin around its neck.
SS (DEEP): Well, we're all God's creatures. All done. (WOOFS) Thanks. Next--
GK: Okay. Appreciate it.
SS (DEEP): What can I do for you today?
GK: Oh, the same, Janine. Not too short on top, trim the sideburns, tapered in back. And trim my paws. And a shave, if you don't mind.
SS (DEEP): A shave, okay. Lemme get the towels steaming. (STEAMER) And work up some lather here. (SPRAY CAN. SLATHER, BLIP, BLOP, OF LATHER ON FACE)
GK: Mmmmm. Feels good.
SS (DEEP): So you been busy, Guy?
GK: Trying to be. Working on a case of a husband who disappeared in Indiana last fall. Interesting.
SS (DEEP): You always have such fascinating cases-- here, I'm going to put the hot towel on your face, now, okay?
GK: Okay. (STEAMING HOT TOWEL) Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh boy.
SS (DEEP): Opens up the pores, doesn't it.
GK: Opens em right up.
SS (DEEP): You mind if I listen to auditions while I give you a shave?
GK: They're not going to be singing "Shiboopi" are they?
SS (DEEP): No-- they're auditioning for the Harold Hill part.
GK: Oh. -- Are these guys really actors? They sure don't look like it.
SS (DEEP): It's community theater, Guy. They're mailmen, plumbers, cabdrivers. They're guys with a dream of getting out on stage and lighting up the world with their smile and making a difference in people's lives.
GK: Yeah, right.
SS (DEEP): You mind if I give you a shave and listen to auditions?
GK: (SIGHS) Okay. Whatever you got to do.
SS (DEEP): OKAY. IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, I'D LIKE YOU TO DO JUST THE BEGINNING OF "YOU GOT TROUBLE" AND I'M SORRY WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SONG TODAY (GRUMBLING) -- JUST DO A FEW LINES OF "YOU GOT TROUBLE" AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW ABOUT CALLBACKS ON MONDAY. THANK YOU. LET'S START WITH YOU.
TR (RICO): Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
SS (DEEP): Okay. Thanks very much. That was terrific.
TR (RICO): You don't want more?
SS (DEEP): No, that was great. Next. Go ahead--
TR (WOODY ALLEN): Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
SS: Okay. Thanks. That was great. Next.
TR (WOODY): I've got some jokes I could do.
SS: I'd love to, but I'm giving this gentleman a shave, okay? (RAZOR SLAPPING ON STROP) Let me hear the next guy. You, sir.
TR (ARNOLD): I need to get my costume on, okay?
SS (DEEP): Okay. Take your time. Hold still, Guy. (RAZOR SHAVING) So this guy disappeared in Indiana, huh?
GK: Yeah, back in October. He went down there the night when we switched from Daylight to Standard Time. There was a time change and he seemed to vanish.
TR (ARNOLD): Okay. I'm ready now.
SS (DEEP): Lederhosen. That's a nice touch.
TR (ARNOLD): Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
Now all you folks are the right sort of parents.
I'm going to be perfectly frank.
Do you want to know what sort of conversations goes on while they're hanging around that hall--
SS (DEEP): Okay, thanks. Thanks very much. Next. (RAZOR)
GK: You know it's a little nerve-wracking to have you shaving my neck with a straight-edge razor while men are auditioning for Harold Hill -- I don't know why--
SS (DEEP): Don't think about it.
GK: I mean, the razor is passing right over my jugular vein-- one fears that the critic's reflex might result in sudden dramatic loss of blood.
SS (DEEP): Hey, come on. I could do this in my sleep. Next, please.
TR (JACK): Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
SS (DEEP): Okay, thanks very much. That was terrific. I appreciate it. Next--? Mr. Sheldon?
TR (CAPOTE): You want me to stand here or over there, Janine?
SS (DEEP): Anywhere you're comfortable, Mr. Sheldon.
TR (CAPOTE): Okay. How about here? Can you see me here?
SS (DEEP): I can see you just fine.
TR (CAPOTE): Okay. I just want to be sure. This is my good side, this side. My downstage side.
SS (DEEP): Fine. (LONG PAUSE)
TR (CAPOTE): You want me to start now?
SS (DEEP): Yes, please.
TR (CAPOTE): Okay. Why certainly I'm a billiard player,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I'm always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With a cue in my hand are golden.
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye.
SS (DEEP): Thank you, Mr. Sheldon.
TR (CAPOTE): I have more.
SS (DEEP): That's good, Mr. Sheldon. Thank you.
TR (CAPOTE): You want me to do more?
SS (DEEP): No, but thank you very much.
TR (CAPOTE): Okay, and if you want to reach me for the callback, I'll be at my cousin Denise's.
SS (DEEP): Thank you. Next.
FN (MAURICE): You mind if I step into the bathroom just real quicklike and do up my hair?
SS (DEEP): You go right ahead. Take your time.
FN (MAURICE): Thank you. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: I had no idea there was this much talent in town.
SS (DEEP): Yeah, you wouldn't believe it. But we still can't find anyone to play Marcellus.
GK: Well, good luck.
SS (DEEP): So you have to go to Indiana to find this missing husband?
GK: No, he disappeared back in October.
SS (DEEP): If he's disappeared how do you know he is in Indiana?
GK: He was confused because, you see, Indiana doesn't go on Daylight Savings Time.
SS (DEEP): I didn't know that.
GK: Yeah, they just didn't like the idea of jiggering the clock.
SS (DEEP): How can one state not have it, while everyone else does?
GK: Well, in the winter they're on Central Time and in the winter they go on Eastern. I think. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Or vice-versa. One of the other.
FN (MAURICE): Okay, I'm ready now.
Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
Jever take and try to give
An iron-clad leave to yourself
With a three-rail billiard shot?
SS (DEEP): Thank you. That was tremendous. I appreciate it.
FN (MAURICE): Want me to leave an 8x10 glossy?
SS (DEEP): No thanks.
FN (MAURICE): Got some extras right here?
SS (DEEP): No, thank you.
FN (MAURICE): Got plenty of em, nice and fresh. Might help you remember me.
SS (DEEP): Not necessary. Thank you very much. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) So they're on Central Time now?
GK: I believe so, yes. (RAZOR) Anyway, this guy went to Indiana with two watches. On the one hand, he had a watch, and on the other hand, another watch. They were set an hour apart. Then there was a time change and he hasn't been heard from since.
SS (DEEP): Maybe he hasn't called because he doesn't know when peak hours are. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Hey. You still hearing auditions for "The Music Man"?
SS (DEEP): I am, yes.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): I'd like to audition for the part of Mr. Harold Hill.
SS (DEEP): Okay.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Ya got trouble, my friends,
Trouble right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.
Would ya like to know what kinda conversation goes
On while they're loafin' around that Hall?
They'll be tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out Cubebs,
Tryin' out Tailor Mades like cigarette fiendds!
And braggin' all about
How they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen.
SS (DEEP): Thank you, that was fine.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): And if you have a minute, I'd like to sing "They Call The Wind Maria".
SS (DEEP): That song is not in the show, sir.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Are you sure?
SS (DEEP): I'm sure. But you could sing "Shiboopi"--
TR (JOHN WAYNE): I don't know that song, lady.
SS (DEEP): Sing it for him, Guy.
GK: I'd rather not.
SS (DEEP): I said, sing it for him.
GK: Please. Don't make me.
SS (DEEP): I've got a razor parked on your adam's apple, Guy. Sing.
GK: Janine--
SS (DEEP): Sing "Shiboopi"
GK: I'd rather sing Andrew Lloyd Webber--
SS (DEEP): Sing.
GK: I'd rather sing "Tomorrow" or "On Eagle's Wings" or -- ouch.
SS (DEEP): Sing.
GK (SINGS): Well a woman who'll kiss on the very first date
Is usually a hussy.
And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out
Is anything but fussy.
But a woman who waits 'til the third time around,
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground!
She's the girl he's glad he's found--she's his
Shi-Poo-Pi!
GK & TR (JOHN WAYNE):
Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi!
TR (JOHN WAYNE):
The girl who's hard to get!
GK & TR (JOHN WAYNE):
Shi-Poo-Pi!
Shi-Poo-Pi
Shi-Poo-Pi
GK & TR (JOHN WAYNE):
But you can win her yet.
You -- can-- win-- her--yet.
Shi-Poo-Pi.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)