Sue Scott: Why do you keep leaving dishtowels lying on the counter like this?

Garrison Keillor: Leave what?

SS: Dishtowels. You throw them around like ----

GK: Sorry.

SS: I've told you a thousand times ---- there's a rack for dishtowels. It's right there. You don't have to throw them on the counter.

GK: I didn't throw it exactly -----

SS: I mean, how much effort does it take to hang up a dishtowel?

GK: Well, I didn't throw it---- I laid it on the counter----

SS: It's sitting there all crumpled up----

GK: Okay, but I didn't throw it, okay?

SS: Look at it----

GK: It wasn't hurled there. It wasn't flung----

SS: Okay, you dropped it then----

GK: I laid it there.

SS: Whatever. It's not important.

GK: If it's not important, why are we talking about it?

SS: I only mentioned it. Why are you so sensitive that I can't even bring up a little thing like a dishtowel that you threw down on the kitchen counter right after I had finished straightening everything up? Okay, I won't say another thing. Just let the house go to hell and throw stuff on the floor ---- fine, whatever you want. Pee in the sink. Go ahead.

GK: I don't know what you're talking about.

SS: It's what men do. Go ahead. I know you want to. They all want to. The world is their toilet.

GK: I thought we were going to have a nice Christmas----

SS: Oh blame it on me. Blame everything on me. I can't even say one word and all of a sudden Christmas is cancelled. Fine. We won't have Christmas. Whatever you want. I'll just go to my parents. (SLAM DOOR)

Tim Russell: If things are tense around your house at this sacred season, we of the Order of St. Bernie are ready to help. Maybe what you need is a Christmas Eve retreat. There's a St. Bernie chapter house near you.

IMPROV. FN, TR, GK: ---- Hey how are you? Oh not so bad. How's your Christmas? Okay. Old lady's a little wound up. Yeah. Mine too. Giving me a hard time. ---- TO: How about a beer? Okay. (POP OPEN CAN) Don't mind if I do? What's on TV? Knicks game. Turn up the sound.

TR: The Order of St. Bernie ----- If you think monastic life is stone floors and silence, think again. What monastic means is ---- all guys, no women. The rules of the monastery are for us to know and them to find out. (CORKSCREW, OPEN CORK. POUR) It is a feast day, after all. Monastic just means ---- nobody's going to make a federal case out of you leaving a dishtowel on the kitchen counter. (MUSIC)
GK: I'm going on a retreat.

SS: When?

GK: Now.

SS: Now??? But ------

GK: Sorry. I've got to go.

SS: Why?

GK: It's a spiritual thing.

SS: But I thought we were going to church.

GK: I'll meet you there later.

SS: Well----- ----(PAUSE) is anything wrong?

GK: Everything's fine. I just need to be with the monks.

TR: Come on in. The game's on. Beer's cold. The Order of St. Bernie. Our motto is: have mercy. And that's what we do. Three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. Including Christmas.