Garrison Keillor: ...after this message from the Minnesota Refugee Commission.
(DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS)
Sue Scott: Oh hi. It's you.
GK: I'm here for the dog, Ellen. It's my weekend.
SS: Is it? I had completely forgotten.
GK: Don't play games, Ellen. Where's Rex? Rex! C'mere boy!
SS: Have you noticed that Rex doesn't want to come to you, Steve?
GK: What do you mean, Ellen? He's my dog, too. Of course he wants to come to me. Rex??
SS: Where is he then? Why isn't he jumping up on you and woofing for sheer delight? I don't see him.
GK: You've turned him against me, Ellen, haven't you?
SS: Nonsense. He's happy with me, that's all. And he remembers your anger only too well.
GK: My anger?? What about your anger???
SS: You're the reason I was angry, Steve. I feel much better now. And so does Rex.
GK: Oh, please. Get over yourself.
SS: Dogs have a sixth sense about abuse, Steve.
GK: Abuse???
SS: Yes. Let's call it by its name.
GK: I cannot believe that every time I pick up my dog, I have to go through this.
SS: You were abusive. He knows it and I know it.
GK: Rex? He was always wagging his tail!
SS: But he was hurting underneath. We both were.
GK: When you're an artist, Ellen, there is a lot of feeling involved, a lot of stress.
SS: Let's not talk about it, Steven. It's over. It's done.
GK: Oh, so you want to be able to bring it up and then tell me let's not talk about it--
Tim Russell: Is everything okay, Ellen? Oh. Hello, Steven. I'm Brent. I've heard a lot about you.
GK: Oh great.
SS: Don't say it, Steven, because you have no say about me anymore--
TR: Is there something we can help you with?
GK: I just came to pick up Rex. It's my weekend.
TR: Well, Rex is sort of busy right now. Can you come back later?
GK: Busy? A dog?
SS: I enrolled him in Montessori, Steven.
GK: My dog goes to a school? Why wasn't I consulted?
TR: It's been great for him. He's really individuating.
GK: I didn't ask you.
SS: He's made so many friends there, Steven. He's like a whole new dog.
GK: Rex--(DOG PANTING, TOENAILS CLICK ON FLOOR) Rex--
SS: Shake, Rex.
GK: Hey Rex.
SS: Rex, speak. (CLAPS TWICE)
Fred Newman (DOG): Bonjour. Je m'appelle Rex. Bien enchante.
SS: It's a French immersion Montessori.
GK: What good is that going to do him?
TR: We wanted to expand his world.
GK: Butt out, would you? This is not your dog.
SS: Don't be abusive, Steven. Brent is my partner. He's Rex's step-parent.
GK: Rex, they're not involving you in anything weird, are they? You can tell me.
FN (DOG): Mais non! Please, make yourself comfortable. My home is your home. Mi casa es su casa.
GK: Rex, look at me.
FN (DOG): I used to hump people's legs and drool on the carpet and I don't anymore.
SS: It's the best dog school in Manhattan, Steven. There's a waiting list. Barbara Walters's dog goes there.
GK: What does this school cost, anyway?
SS: Well, Brent is paying for it, so--
TR: It's not bad. Just $4,000. a month.
GK: $4,000. a month!
SS: It's like seven months in dog years.
GK: Rex. Come on, boy. Let's go---
FN (DOG): Don't call me "boy"--
GK: Rex. Come on--
FN (DOG): We need to talk, Steve.
GK: Ellen--what have you done to him?
FN (DOG): This is not about Ellen, Steve. It's about you. I want to talk about all those times when you pretended to throw a ball, and then you hid it behind your back -- and the way you used Milk Bones to get me to sit-- I call that controlling behavior.
GK: What have you done with my dog!
SS: We've learned so much about Rex now that he can speak. We learned that he thinks parking meters are pay toilets.
TR: Ellen says you've written a play, Steve--
GK: I did. It opened last night.
TR: Congratulations.
GK: And closed.
TR: Sorry.
SS: I'm sorry to hear that, Steven. What happened?
GK: I don't want to talk about it--
SS: Is this the one where your people don't talk? Where they just hum and they use flyswatters for puppets?
GK: It's a conceptual thing. The audience just didn't get it.
TR: I just started shooting my next motion picture, Steven. If you'd like a job as a production assistant--
GK: No thanks. I think I'll just go home and read a book.
FN (DOG): Come back when you're ready to talk, Steven.
SS: Thanks for coming, anyway. I hope we didn't upset you.
GK: You know what? Never mind. I'm going home. Just forget it.
TR: The job offer's always open, Steve.
SS: I think it'd be easier on everybody if, next time, you called before you came for visitation--
GK: I don't think that's going to happen, Ellen. I'm leaving New York. I'm moving to Minnesota.
SS: You??? Minnesota???? Ha!!!! You won't last a month!!!! You're too weird!!!
(MUSIC: THE GREAT HEART OF THE PRAIRIE)
GK: So I got on a plane and went to Minnesota and right away life got simpler. No more ex-wife and her boyfriend and an accusatory dog, just a really nice guy from the Minnesota Refugee Commission there to meet me at the airport-- (TR MINN: Here. I brought you a warm coat. And these here are your sponsors. Want you to meet Ole and Lena-- they'll show you around). And these two lovely people were there. (TR SWEDISH, SS SWEDISH) Heavy-set and they had accents, but very nice. Yes, it was cold. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) But that simplified things. They showed me how to drive on ice and snow. --(TIRES SPINNING)--
SS (MINN): Hey -- don't spin your wheels. (SPINNING) Rock it. Back and forth. (SPINNING FASTER) Easy!
GK: And I got a new dog. Rolf. (WOOF) A dog who was happy to be a dog and didn't want to take over my life. --Go to the store, Rolf. (WOOF) Buy me coffee. And cheese. (WOOF) I'm putting a five-dollar bill under your collar. (PANTING) Keep the change. (WOOF)
TR: Minnesota. It's a darned good place to live for all normal purposes. So-- Come. (BARK) Sit. (PANTING) And Stay. (WHINE) Stay. (BARK)