Garrison Keillor: ....back with more after this message. (DARK ORGAN)
The holiday season will soon be on us, the time of year you dread (TK DEEP GROAN), when the combination of long hours of darkness and animal fats and your relatives throws you into a deep depression (TK DEEPER GROAN) for which you've tried drugs but they just make you weird (TK OFF-KEY GROAN) and they make you bloated (BALLOON SQUEAKS) and you've tried meditation (TR INDIAN QUIETLY: I want you to see your own body covered with shining white feathers.) and you've tried vegetables (CRUNCHES) and you tried self-medication (TK DRUNK: Hey who put the clock on the wall?) and none of this seemed to work. So maybe it's time to think about brain surgery. At A-1 Brain Surgery Clinic--from a state-licensed brain surgeon.
Tim Russell: But isn't brain surgery awfully expensive?
Steven Koop: It used to be, but at A-1, we've brought costs down. And during our holiday surgery sale, brain surgery is only $239.95.
TR: Wow.
SK: I'm Doctor Stephen Shedd, a state-certified brain surgeon. If you get depressed during the holidays, you're not alone. There's a whole heckuva lot of folks in the same boat. And a lot of them are turning to brain bypass surgery. As the brain ages, you find what we call depression build-up, these big dark areas you see here on this X-ray. --Or no, that's a map of Wisconsin. -- Here. This is the X-ray and this is all of the accumulated gloom and grief and guilt all around here and up here and what we do is just staple those parts of the brain so we shut down the parts that make you moody. (TIME PASSAGE CHORDS. . (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS, VENTILATOR)
Sue Scott: Scalpel?
SK: Don't want the scalpel. Give me the staple gun Boy, lotta dark material there. Gimme the staple gun.
SS: Staple gun. (STAPLE GUN THREE TIMES)
SK: Power drill.
SS: Drill. (POWER DRILL START AND STOP) What's wrong?
SK: I forget -- is this a man or a woman? .
SS: This guy?
SK: Right.
SS: Just a minute, I'll check. -- (SHE HUMS TO HERSELF AS SHE LOOKS)-- Male.
SK: Darn. You're sure?
SS: Pretty sure.
SK: Oh oh.
SS: What's wrong?
SK: Never mind. We'll just leave that to the physical therapist and the psychiatrist. (POWER DRILL REVS UP, DRILLING) (TIME BRIDGE)
TR (HIGHER VOICE): Brain surgery was the answer for me. I feel very happy. Happy in a different way, but still happy.
GK: That's right, if you have a tendency to depression and despair in the winter months, you don't have to suffer in silence. Make this the year you get your brain stapled. (STAPLE GUN). At A-1 Brain Surgery Clinic. In the Yellow Pages under Behavior.