Garrison Keillor: It was in the 60's most of the week, a little rain here and there (RAIN DRIPPING) and the chipmunks running around getting acorns in (SFX) and people taking a last ride on the Harley before it gets put away. (HARLEYS, START, REV, PULL AWAY) Wednesday was opening day of the fall turkey season. (TURKEY) Pheasant season opens on Saturday. (PHEASANT) SHOTGUN. LOON. Don't shoot that, that's the loon. Our state bird. PHEASANT. Even if the pheasant is hiding behind him. LOON. You shoot a loon and it's going to be really bad for you. SHOTGUN. I hope you didn't hit the loon. LOON. Good. PHEASANT FLIES UP. SHOTGUN. Shooting a loon in Minnesota will get you a death sentence. Guillotine. Shooting a loon, or blowing leaves with a leaf blower onto your neighbor's yard. You walk to the guillotine (FOOTSTEPS) and you lay your head on the block (WHIMPERING, WEEPING) and the blade is raised (RATCHETING OF PULLEY) and the padre says a word of comfort (TR FRENCH MURMURING) but he says it in French so you can't understand it. (BUGLE PLAYS TAPS) And the peasants gather around (YOKEL CHUCKLING) to enjoy it. And the string that releases the catch that holds the blade is tied to the leg of a loon. (LOON) And they scatter corn kernels on the ground. And you lie there waiting (WHIMPERING, WEEPING) for the loon to walk away and pull the string and end your life. And after you lie there waiting for ten minutes that seems like an eternity, they help you up (MEN'S VOICES, WHIMPERING PERSON) and you have now lost your faculties (GIBBERING IDIOT) and they aim you north and you take the long walk across the frozen tundra (GIBBERING, FADING. WOLF HOWL, BLIZZARD) as snow flurries move in and that's capital punishment in Minnesota. Except I left out the butternut squash soup (STIRRING) -- the condemned man is given squash soup. (VISCOUS) You need a little more milk, I think. (POURING, STIRRING) Still too thick. (POURING, STIRRING) Good.
It's dramatic living here. This week we had to light the furnace. Always a scary moment for a guy who's an English major. (FOOTSTEPS) Your wife expects you to know how to do this. You go down the basement and you open the furnace door (RUSTY HINGE OPEN) and you read the directions printed on the inside and they make no sense. They're in German. (TR GERMAN: incl ACHTUNG). So you sort of remember that you have to press the red button and hold a match under there for the pilot. And you think, What's the worst that can happen? Well, pretty terrible things. (KLAXON, BIG EXPLOSION, SIREN... ORGAN SNIFFLING, TR on PA: It's hard to realize that just a few days ago he was still here. In our midst. And now... he's gone. Yes, he had his faults. Let's not kid ourselves. He was arrogant and cold and he didn't know much about lighting furnaces and he had no close friends, and yet-- when my kids went door to door selling Christmas wreaths for Boy Scouts, he always bought one. Not the 36-inch one. But the 8-inch. So-- he had his warm side too.) And then you light the match (MATCH) and you take a deep breath (LONG SHAKY BREATH) and then you go call the plumber (CELLPHONE BUTTONS) and he comes the next day-- he's German (TR GERMAN:, FOOTSTEPS) and he lights the furnace by pushing the button (POOF OF PILOT LIGHT, FURNACE SHUDDERS, SLOWLY REVS UP) and you have heat. Warmth. You don't have to sell the house and move to Florida. (FLAMINGO) You can stay here in Minnesota. (LOON CRY)