(THEME)


Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UNDER)


Garrison Keillor: It was October in Minnesota, a time when a man starts to get a little desperate to get somebody into his life, somebody who if you got lost in a blizzard might notice within a few days and start lining up people to speak at the memorial service and say that you brought joy into the lives of a lot of people without necessarily naming them individually. Because whose life did I bring joy into? Nobody. I was desperate. I went to a Singles Night at a church downtown, there were six of us, and the hostess.


Sue Scott (PERKY, MINN): Okay now. Let's all try smiling for starters, okay? Nice big smiles. Thattaway. And now let's go boy-girl-boy-girl-boy-girl. Right. And now you put the orange under your chin and turn to him and you pass it to him under his chin-- that's right! Good! (SHE FADES, INTO MUSIC)


GK: I went to a dating website (KEYBOARD CLICKING) called Mercy Dating-dot-com and I met someone right away. A 55-year-old twice-divorced woman looking for a short-term relationship while the swelling went down from her plastic surgery. And I arranged to meet her at Vescio's Golden Pagoda House of Sushi in Dinkytown. (RESTAURANT AMBIENCE) -- Hello, I'm Guy. You must be Loretta.


Fred Newman (WOMAN): Pleased to make your acquaintance.


GK: Same here.


FN: (WOMAN) Would you mind if I ask a personal question?


GK: What?


FN (WOMAN): If you could be any animal in the world, which animal would you be?


GK: A bird. Because they can escape quickly from a bad situation.


FN (WOMAN): You don't like me, do you? I can tell.


GK: No, it's not that--I just wasn't ready for that animal question so soon.


FN (WOMAN): So what do you think of my implants?


GK (WOMAN): Well, it's hard to tell, under that bulky sweater--


FN (WOMAN): No, not those implants. These. My lips.


GK: Those aren't your real lips?


FN (WOMAN): Nope. They're silicone. Stuck on with suction cups. A marvelous new procedure called lip-o-suction. (BRIDGE)


GK: It was painful. So I went home and watched TV. Like all the other lonely guys. You sit up at night watching talk shows. (
TR: So when does the movie come out?
SS: In the spring.
TR: You must be really excited.
SS: I am. This is just a big big thing for me.) and you switch to the music video channel (HIP HOP BEAT, SS SINGS: Everything you thought you knew about me is wrong./And that is why I am singing this song./I am not that girl you thought I must be./It's time you heard the story from me.) and you switch to the kung fu channel (KUNG FU CHORD. FIGHTERS CRIES, BIG KICK, OOF) and then to the science fiction channel (SPACESHIP SOUNDS. SS WEEPING: Who are they? what do they want??? FN SPACE VOICE: We are from Revlar and we have come for your fondue set.) and the old western channel--


TR: Look over there.


FN: Ain't gonna look.


TR: I'm telling you to look.


FN: I ain't gonna fall for that trick again.


TR: It's no trick. Look.


FN: You want me to look and when I do, you're gonna shoot me.


TR: I will not.


FN: You will too.


TR: Just look. (HORSE WHINNY)


GK: And you switch to the cartoon channel (FN CHIPMUNK VOICE: Oh boy oh boy oh boy. TR GOOFY CHUCKLE. FN DUCK: Hey, what you laughing at? You laughing at me? TR GOOFY LAUGH, FRYING PAN CLANG) and you wind up watching an infomercial for a food processor (MACHINE SPINNING, CHOPPING, SLICING) that is also a vacuum cleaner (VACUUM) and a car polisher (POLISHER) and will bust up concrete (PNEUMATIC DRILL) or sharpen a pencil (SHARPENER) and you keep changing channels (HIP HOP, SS SINGS: You never understood me at all, not one bit/And now my song is a major hit./And I am a pop star on TV./And you're as dumb as you can be.) (CLICK) (TR: I said look over there. FN: I ain't gonna. TR: Why not? FN: I toldja why not. TR: Look-- FN: I ain't gonna. TR: I won't shoot you. FN: Sure you will. TR: Won't. FN: Will.) (CLICK) (SPACE SOUNDS. SS WEEPING: They have enormous transparent heads and one big green eye. What do they want? FN SPACE: We want the fondue pot and the long-handled forks.) (CLICK) (TR: So what's the movie about, if I may ask? SS: It's really about relationships and about how people can destroy them by not working on them. TR: We've got a clip right here, let's have a look. (KUNG FU MOVES) (BRIDGE)
GK: I was awakened in the morning by the phone ringing (PHONE RINGS, FOUR TIMES, THEN PICKUP) -- Yeah?


TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? This is R. Melvin Dimmock, clerk of district court, calling. Did you forget that you have jury duty today?


GK: Oh my gosh.


TR (ON PHONE): I need to see you in the basement of the courthouse in fifteen minutes, Mr. Noir, or I'll have to send deputies out to your home to pummel you into submission and drag you handcuffed into the courthouse as TV cameras record the entire humiliating procedure. (STING)


GK: So I had to race down to the courthouse (CAR CORNERING, ACCELERATING, HONKS, FADE) and park in the ramp and (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY BREATHING) hustle down to the jury room so I could sit around all day waiting not to be called.


TR (ON INTERCOM): Attention jurors. Please remove portions A and D from your summons card and pass them to the middle aisle. Do not lose portion B. This will serve as your identification for the duration of your stay. If you lose portion B, you will not be allowed to leave this room. Ever. (DRAMATIC CHORD)


GK: Excuse me, ma'am?


TR: What's the matter? Did you lose portion B?


GK: No, ma'am.


TR: Then take a seat, sir.


GK: Look-- I am a private eye, ma'am. I am not going to be called to serve on a jury. You know that, and I know that.


TR: That is not my department, sir.


GK: Is there somebody I can talk to about getting excused?


TR: Talk to the judge.


GK: How do I do that?


TR: Wait until you're called.


GK: But then I'm going to be sitting here all day, waiting.


TR: That's right.


GK: I have other things to do.


TR: Name one.


GK: Lots of things.


TR: Such as?


GK: Never mind.


TR: Say, didn't I see your picture on Mercy Dating-dot-com?


GK: I think I'll sit down now. (BRIDGE) And then I saw her -- (LIGHT JUNGLE DRUMS) she was sitting alone in the corner. She was beautiful, long strawberry blonde hair and a black turtleneck with a necklace made of feathers and black skintight pants that suddenly made you understand what aerobics is all about. Her face was alabaster white like classic Greek statuary except with eyeballs and she was reading Emily Dickinson. I walked over and sat down across from her. -- Hey, I was just reading Emily Dickinson this morning. What a coincidence.


SS (WHISPERY): Do you like Emily Dickinson?


GK: Well, I never knew her personally but yeah. She was all right.


SS (WHISPERY): I adore her. Every day I read a poem of hers and that poem is like my horoscope for the day. You know what I mean?


GK: Interesting. Me too.


SS (WHISPERY): You read her that way, too?


GK: I pick a poem at random and it tells me what that day is all about. Like this morning, I read the one that goes "Hope is the thing with feathers." And there you are.


SS (WHISPERY): Oh. I was reading, "Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me," and then I looked up and there you were.


GK: Oh.


SS (WHISPERY): Bye.


GK: You're leaving?


SS (WHISPERY): I'm going to keep on reading.


GK: Okay.


SS (WHISPERY): To myself.


GK: Okay. You want to be careful you don't wind up living alone in a big house and going around in a white dress writing poems on tiny slips of paper folded up and tied with ribbons, though.


SS (WHISPERY): Thanks for the advice.


GK: It starts gradually, those loner tendencies, and before you know it, your best friend is a cat and you're spending your days in a room listening to a clock.


SS (WHISPERY): Doesn't sound bad to me at all.


TR: Mr. Noir?


GK: Yes, sir--


TR: I've been looking at the brief questionnaire that you filled out?


GK: Yes, sir.


TR: You put almost all of your answers in the wrong blanks, Mr. Noir.


GK: I'm sorry, I must've been confused.


TR: Your name was in the address blank, your address was in the city blank, the city was in the state blank, the state was in the ZIP code blank, and so forth.


GK: I'm sorry.


TR: We're excusing you from jury duty on the grounds of incapacity, Mr. Noir.


GK: What???


TR: You're incapable of logical thought. So you are free to go.


GK: But--


TR: Do you need help getting home? (STING)


GK: Guess I'll be leaving, ma'am.


SS (WHISPERY): Looks that way.


GK: It was wonderful, talking to you--


SS (WHISPERY): Good. I'm glad. (BRIDGE) Luckily, it was my poker night that night so I didn't have to watch TV. (MALE VOICES, SHUFFLING CARDS)


TR (MINN): Okay, the game is Minnesota Hold 'Em and I'm dealin' da first three cards now. Here we go.


GK: We couldn't play something else.


TR (MINN): Minnesota Hold 'Em.


GK: How about straight poker?


TR (MINN): This is straight poker. Hang on. Here they come, gents. (DEALING)


FN: I don't know if I got enough money.


SS (MALE): I'll borrow you some.


GK: You're not supposed to do that-- lend him money.


SS (MALE): I didn't say I'd lend it, I said I'd borrow him some. That's different.


TR (MINN): Anyway, we're playing Minnesota Hold 'Em and you can borrow because it's catch and release.


GK: That's dumb.


TR (MINN): Is not. You give the money back afterwards.


GK: What's the point then?


FN: The point is to have fun. You don't have to take away a guy's money to have a good time. (BRIDGE)


GK: I looked at my hand. Garbage. And then everybody raised. (CHIPS DROPPED IN ANTE PILE)


TR (MINN): Okay, here come da next card. (DEALS FOUR CARDS)


FN: Okay, I'll raise again. (TOSSES TWO CHIPS INTO PILE)


SS (MAN): Well, jeeze, if you want the pot so bad, why not just take it. I'm gonna fold.


FN: No. Stay in. I'm only bluffing. I would say it's definitely in your best interest to bet.


TR (MINN): No, I'm gonna fold.


SS (MAN): Me, too. I fold


GK: I fold.


FN: You sure you don't want to raise? I got nothing. Trust me. You want to see my cards. Look.....


SS (MAN): He's right. He's got nothing. Okay, I raise.


GK: Yeah, I'll see you that and raise you again.


SS (MAN): What kind of a deal is that?


GK: You want to know why? Lookit that. A royal flush.


SS (MAN): So what? That don't mean squat. I got a pair of twos and a four and an eight.


GK: So what?


TR (MINN): In Minnesota Hold 'Em, a pair of twos and a four and an eight beats a royal flush.


GK: Since when? That's not poker.


TR (MINN): Is too. That's how we play.


FN: Boy, I got nothing to beat that. Nonetheless, I think I'll raise again. (CHIPS)


TR (MINN): How about you, Guy?


GK: I'm out. I give up.


TR (MINN): Quitter.


GK: I've got nothing. Just the flush.


SS (MAN): So? Flip a coin to see who wins.


GK: I'm folding.


FN: What's the fun in that? (BRIDGE)


GK: I went back to the Acme Building to see if there were any phone messages. (FN ELECT VOICE: You have no messages.) And to sit and look out the window at the lights of the city. A man gets lonely in October. You turn on the radio and it's playing your song.


Pat Donohue (SINGS): Trouble in mind and I'm blue.....


GK: Somehow loneliness makes everything more beautiful, the moonlight, the river, the bridges of St. Paul......


PD (SINGS): But I won't be blue always.


GK: You think maybe she's out there... the girl of my dreams.


PD (SINGS): The sun's going to shine in my back door someday.


GK: Maybe she's looking at the river and the bridges, and trying to imagine me. (THEME)


SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)