Garrison Keillor: When you get up in the morning, do you take a look in the mirror and see someone you like--
Tim Russell: Hi, big guy. Looking good. Looking mighty good. Fifty? You? Ha! Thirty. Thirty-five, tops.
GK: Or do you look at yourself and recoil in horror--
TR: Dad?? What are you doing there? (STING)
GK: If so, it's only a matter of time until you put on a ski mask and you go out to a brick building in the outer ring of suburbs at 2 in the morning and walk to the end of the hall and knock three times on an unmarked door and you talk to a plastic surgeon--
Sue Scott: I think a chin augmentation would be good. Would you like a cleft or a dimple?
TR: Cleft. But I don't want a big jutting chin--
SS: No, no-- we'll just rebuild your jaw to give you more strength there.
TR: What do you use?
SS: Glass. Fiberglass. It's extremely resilient. And I think your eyes need to be set a little farther apart.
TR: I don't want to be walleyed.
SS: You won't be. And I think we'll pull some of that loose skin on your neck -- pull it back like this-- how does that feel?
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): It feels a little tight.
SS: You'll get used to it. See how it eliminates wrinkling and makes your skin youthful and taut.
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): I can't close my mouth, though.
SS: We'll inject some collagen in your lips. And then we'll pull your scalp back like this.
TR (PINCHED, HIGHER): Now I can't close my eyes.
SS: It'll be fine. We've done thousands of these. You'll be very happy with the results.
TR (PINCHED, HIGHER): I will?
SS: Of course.
GK: But after your surgery, when you look like you've been beaten by thugs in an alley and you need to get away for a few weeks, where do you go? Some people make the mistake of going to a resort in Arizona or Florida, and find that the heat loosens up the scars and makes them even pouchier than they were before--
Tom Keith (JOWLY): I had twenty thousand dollars worth of cosmetic surgery and now I look worse than ever.
GK: No, the place to come is Minnesota. Cold is what you need to reduce swelling and we have that here. And people are polite and they won't comment on how you look.
SS (MINNESOTA): So how you doing today then?
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): I'm doing fine. How are you?
SS (MINNESOTA): Yeah, it sure looks like we could get some more snow then. They were saying two inches yesterday but it looks like we got more than that, I'd say.
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): Do I have food on my face?
SS (MINNESOTA): Do you have what?
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): Do I have food on my face?
SS (MINNESOTA): Food on your face? No, I don't see any.
TR (PINCHED, HIGH): Thank you.
SS (MINNESOTA): Your one eyeball there is on top of your ear, but hey, if that's how you like it, no prob.
GK: Minnesota. We're the Rehab Recovery State. Whatever it is you're recovering from --surgery or your lifelong hobby of heavy drinking or just a bad attitude -- we're here to help.
SS: Up at the top in the middle -- next to Canada -- the K-shaped state with the bump on the top.
GK: Minnesota: we're here to help.
Minnesota's waiting for you
To do whatever you need us to do
To help with what you're going through
Healing sutures on your skin
Help you get off gin
We're the recovery state.
R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y
Recovery!
Minnesota!!!!
Heyyyyy-- GET OVER IT!