Garrison Keillor: It's fall here in the northern hemisphere (WIND, WOLF HOWL) and it's getting colder, due to the fact that the Earth's axis is tilting 23.5 degrees off center in relation to its orbit around the Sun. (CREAKING) We in the northern hemisphere are leaning away from the Sun, so light rays strike us at an angle (PINGS) and that creates less heat, and less heat means more cold (SHIVERING) and less daylight, and less daylight means more darkness (WOLF HOWL, TR VAMPIRE: I love the darkness. EVIL LAUGH) . The days shorten, the amount of chlorophyll produced by leaves decreases and other pigments, red, yellow, and brown, reveal themselves and trees begin to shed their leaves.
Tim Russell (TREE): You-- you're -- deciduous?
Sue Scott (TREE): I always meant to tell you.
TR (TREE): No wonder my seed cones didn't excite you.
SS (TREE): I feel so naked.
TR (TREE): Your limbs are beautiful. They excite me. Even if I am a conifer and we can only be friends.
GK: The leaves need to be mulched (MULCHER) by men in plaid shirts and protective eyewear, and the trees' sap goes down to the lower root system (BLOOPS, DRIPPING) and when the mean temperature reaches 50 it triggers the human
instinct to hold a garage sale and purge the home of every bad retail decision (RUMMAGE JUNK) --sell off the old GameBoys (BIPS) and that old treadmill (CREAKING, RUSTY) and the trampoline (BOING BOING) and the Trivial Pursuit game, the OJ Trial Edition (SS: What was the name of Kato Kaelin's girlfriend? -- Darn) . And this souvenir shot glass from Okinawa -- (Tom Keith: CHUCKLES) you tilt the glass forward and her clothes fall off -- all biological processes slow down (HUM OF SLOWDOWN) and the loons start migrating (LOON), and the great herds of caribou move to their winter nesting grounds (CARIBOU), and ducks fly south (DUCKS FLYING OVER) and men set their alarm clocks for 3 am (ALARM) and take their dog (BARK / PANTING) and a thermos of coffee (POURING) laced with bourbon (HIC) and climb in an all-terrain vehicle (POWERFUL ENGINE) and head out to a cornfield (DRIVING ON ROUGH TERRAIN) to the duck blind and sit there and wait (SILENCE ) and drink coffee (GLUGGING) and eat lunch (CHEWING) and then he accidentally lets out a duck call (BIG BELCH) and suddenly there are ducks everywhere -- (QUACKING) and they come and sit in the blind with you (QUACKING) right on your lap, and you can't shoot them, so you look around for your all-terrain vehicle and -- (TK: OH NO) it's gone -- did you remember to put the parking brake on? (TK: OH GOSH) Did you leave it in neutral? (TK: I DID) -- what are those bubbles coming up from the lake? (BUBBLES) You're alone in the woods. Except for the bears (BEAR MUTTERING) who are searching for a place to hibernate (BEAR) and looking for some last minute food to store up additional fat to burn (BEAR SEES MAN, PERKS UP) and why is this bear putting a napkin around its neck (BEAR ANTICIPATION) -- time to get out of here (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, HARD BREATHING) -- the ground is frozen now that the temperature has dropped below 32 degrees Fahrenheit so that makes it easier to run on but you want to be careful about frost which appears in a feathery or flowery pattern and which can be slippery (RUNNING MAN SLIPS, YELLS, FALLS, CRUNCH). The femur which you just broke is the longest and strongest bone in the human skeleton (GROAN) and is almost perfectly cylindrical except for where you broke it (WHIMPER OF PAIN) and meanwhile, as the bear approaches (BEAR) carrying what appears to be a battery-powered carving knife (CARVING KNIFE), we see that water vapor in the air is crystallizing due to the cold and forming snowflakes (MAN WHIMPERING) which means that molecules are freezing in a hexagonal crystal formation and there are so many of them
we can't see the man anymore (TK: WEAK CRY FOR HELP), he is completely obscured by natural beauty, and that is our science lesson about fall in Minnesota. (MUSIC BUTTON)