(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER)
Garrison Keillor: It was fall in Minnesota and the leaves were turning and we were steeling ourselves to go into that long tunnel that leads to April. A time when many Minnesotans are considering other options in life.
TR (ON RADIO): Have you considered the possibility of a new career as an underwear model? If your abdomen is flat and your thighs shapely, you could earn up to $100,000 a year standing around in your underwear. And nobody would ever know. Check it out at the Underwear Expo in November in Orlando.
GK: All the great new jobs are in the south. Minnesota? All we got going is soybeans and turkeys. You can be a bean counter (SS FLAT: 5,10,15,20,25,30,40,45......oh oh .......5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30...) or you can herd turkeys (TR; Heeya-- giddup-- TURKEY GOBBLING) but down south, that's where the new opportunities are.
TR (ON RADIO): Have you considered a new career playing poker professionally? Yes, you can earn a good living with a deck of cards, wearing a rayon suit and a blonde toupee, simply by enrolling in Euchre University, Box 1974, Reno, Nevada. (FADE) That address once again....
GK: You sit and listen to these opportunities and you wonder, what am I doing here in a crummy office on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, waiting for some dope to come in and-- (KNOCKS) Come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)
Tom Keith: I need some help finding my car that's in the parking ramp, my car where I left my glasses, I think.
GK: Which ramp is it in?
TK: The parking ticket is in my jacket which I left in the restaurant.
GK: Which one?
TK: Without my glasses I couldn't read the sign.
GK: I don't do this kind of work. I am a private eye, sir.
TK: That's what I need.
GK: I am in the business of solving mysteries.
TK: That's what we've got here.
GK: Mysteries like missing heiresses or tycoons found in the solarium with a knife between their ribs.
TK: Show me a tycoon, I'll stick a knife in him, if you'll just help me find my glasses. (BRIDGE)
GK: Day in, day out, I keep hoping for a big case, something interesting.
Sue Scott: The UPS man with whom I was having a passionate affair, ran away with my husband, Mr. Noir, and our dog Muffy went with them. So when I heard an intruder in the kitchen last night, I panicked, and I poured a tub of boiling oil on him as he came up the stairs and it was the pizza delivery boy who I had turned to for consolation after the UPS man left me, and thankfully the boiling oil missed him, but now he and I are living together, and this has caused concern in my church, and last night the pastor came to see me and he was very accusatory and I hit him with a skillet and tied him up and now I can't find him -- I'm worried -- can you help me?
GK: That is the sort of case a detective can sink his teeth into. But instead I get these losers--
TK (PHONE): Hi. It's me again.
GK: You found your car?
TK (PHONE): I think so.
GK: Where are you calling from?
TK (PHONE): I thought I was at home, but now I think I may be in an Ethan Allen showroom.
GK: How did you get there, Mr. Muggins?
TK (PHONE): I drove.
GK: Without your glasses?
TK (PHONE): Yes.
GK: How did you do that? You're blind as a bat.
TK (PHONE): I drove by ear. A lot of people were honking at me and I steered away from the honks.
GK: What can I do for you?
TK (PHONE): I put my glasses on the towel rack in the bathroom when I went to bed last night but they aren't there this morning.
GK: Maybe they fell on the floor. Are you in the bathroom now?
TK (PHONE): I think so. Let me look. (CRUNCH) Oh oh.
GK: What happened?
TK (PHONE): I found them. With my foot.
GK: Pick up the lenses, Mr. Muggins, and put them into your eyeball socket and grip them with your eyebrows, like Erich von Stroheim.
TK (PHONE): There are people looking at me.
GK: Where?
TK (PHONE): There's a whole big glass window. And a parking lot on the other side of it.
GK: Maybe you are in a showroom. Do you have clothes on?
TK (PHONE) (PAUSE): Oh my gosh!!! (STING AND BRIDGE) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked.
(DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)
SS: Good afternoon. My name is Lindsay Kimberley and I'd like to ask you a simple question, sir--
GK: You-- you're going to try to sell me something, aren't you?
SS: Yes, I am.
GK: I thought so. Look-- I'm sure it's something really wonderful, but frankly, I don't have the money, I don't have the-- (SERIES OF LIGHT GLISSANDI) Wow.
SS: Like what you see?
GK: Your coat just kind of fell right off you there--
SS: Yes.
GK: And there you are-- kind of chilly for that sort of outfit, isn't it?
SS: I generate a great deal of heat. Stand closer to me and you'll feel it.
GK: You certainly are right.
SS: You want to know what the secret is?
GK: I'll bet you're just about to tell me.
SS: It's a new enzyme product known as BioTherm, Mr. Noir. It speeds up the body's natural metabolism so you burn energy quickly. You can consume 10,000 calories a day and never gain a pound and generate enough heat to warm an entire room just with your body.
GK: You certainly are hot.
SS: BioTherm is also a mood-altering enzyme that lifts a person up. One pill in the morning and you feel utterly exuberant for the rest of the day.
GK: You've made me feel kind of exuberant already.
SS: And the effects of BioTherm are enhanced tremendously by hot sauce.
GK: I can only imagine.
SS: Care for some hot sauce, Mr. Noir?
GK: Maybe later.
SS: I could come back.
GK: You could do that.
SS: You look like you're about to faint.
GK: I think I am.
SS: Maybe you should lie down.
GK: I think so too. (BRIDGE) She left and I lay down and I must've slept for awhile and then (KNOCKS) -- yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
Lee Lynch: The name is Lindstrom, Mr. Noir. Lee Lindstrom. Why are you lying on the floor, sir?
GK: Doing my stretching exercises.
LL: Interesting. Like you to meet my father, Bjorn Lindstrom.
(TR SWEDISH)
GK: Welcome to America, sir.
LL: Actually, he's from Minnesota but he doesn't speak English anymore. He gave it up because people made fun of his accent.
GK: Uh huh. And he doesn't have an accent in Swedish?
LL: I don't know. I don't speak Swedish.
GK: So you two don't communicate.
LL: Oddly, we seem to be getting along better without it. Dad always kind of lived in his own world anyway so--
GK: Well, to each his own. What can I do for you, Mr. Lindstrom?
LL: I'm in the radio business, Mr. Noir. I own fifteen stations and a few weeks ago I was laid up with the gout and I tuned in a couple of my stations and I was horrified. One of them was a bunch of men yelling about liberals and the other was playing music that sounds like a chainsaw on a tin roof. I felt terrible about it. We Swedes have a powerful sense of guilt. I thought -- What if one of my aunts tuned in? So I'm trying to organize a National Day of Silence. A day when all radio and TV stations shut down and all meetings are cancelled -- when all Americans have a chance to shut up and hear themselves think.
GK: It's never going to happen.
LL: It can happen. People want it to happen. We took a poll -- 95% of the American people think it's a great idea.
GK: The quiet ones. But it's the other five percent who are the problem.
LL: That's where you come in. (TR SWEDISH) Shut up, Dad. -- I want you to meet the chairman of the National Day of Silence --
GK: Jesse "The Body" Ventura. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP, MOUTH BREATHING) Governor, good to see you. Everybody's been wondering what happened to you? I heard you were moving to Mexico? Any truth to that? Huh? No comment, huh? Well, I like the red tights and the skullcap. And the boa is always a nice touch. You might want to lose the high heels if you're moving to Mexico though.
LL: Jesse's agreed to be chairman -- we think he has -- and we'd like you to be his spokesperson.
GK: So ever since he left the governorship, he's been like this--
LL: He refuses to speak. First politician to take a vow of silence after leaving office.
GK: Why'd he do that?
LL: Same as my dad. He was ticked off that people made fun of him, but he didn't want to learn Swedish, so he vowed to be silent.
GK: Now he'll have to learn Spanish. If he's moving to Mexico.
LL: He didn't say anything about that.
GK: Congratulation, Governor, on this latest honor. Chairman of a National Silence Day. Quite a feather in your cap. Quite a feather in your boa too. Governor, can I get you something to drink? A big pitcher of margaritas? A Dos Equis? A pitcher of warm spit?
TR (JESSE): What'd you say?
GK: How about a Dos Equis?
TR (JESSE): What's that?
GK: Beer.
TR (JESSE): How come they call it Dos Equis if it's beer?
GK: It's Mexican beer.
TR (JESSE): How come they can't call it a name people know? Huh? What's the sense in that? And why Dose Ekkies? Why not Dese Ekkies? What's going on here?
GK: Easy, Governor. Why don't you just sit down and relax and you can talk to this old Swede if you want to. We'll be right back. (TR SWEDISH) This way, Mr. Lindstrom. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) I don't think this is a good idea, Mr. Lindstrom. Why exploit the man? He did his time as governor, let him retire in dignity.
LL: I think silence is very dignified.
GK: What are you going to have him do?
LL: We made up this poster.
GK: Picture of him with a finger to his lips.
LL: "Shut Up And Listen Or I'll Punch Your Lights Out."
GK: His old campaign slogan. So you're serious about the National Day of Silence.
LL: Absolutely.
GK: And I'd be his spokesman.
LL: To make sure he stays quiet.
GK: He's a lot bigger than I am. He's kind of scary.
LL: I'll pay you a hundred dollars a day.
GK: Five hundred.
LL: Two.
GK: Four.
LL: Two.
GK: Three.
LL: One.
GK: Two.
LL: A hundred fifty.
GK: Deal. Plus expenses.
LL: No.
GK: Okay. No expenses. When is National Silence Day?
LL: July 4th.
GK: The 4th of July?
LL: That's Calvin Coolidge's birthday. July 4, 1872. Silent Cal.
GK: I don't think July 4th is a good idea.
LL: It's a challenge.
GK: How about January 1st or April 15. May 30. October 31st.
LL: We're going for the big one.
GK: I hear something from the next room.
LL: The governor--
GK: We better go check-- (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) Who are all these people?
TR (JESSE): A big busload of South Dakotans. And this doll right here. The babe with the salsa.
GK: Lindsay--
SS: He is so adorable. I love the boa. And the little chin whiskers.
LL: I need you to take charge here, Noir.
TR (JESSE): Ixnay on that whole Day of Silence, mister. A big negatory on that. I am The Body and I am gonna blow this crummy state and move to Mexico and buy me a big hacienda and never have to deal with winter ever again.
GK: You shouldn't have given him that BioTherm, Lindsay--
SS: He is just so scrumptious.
TR (JESSE): Hey, let's have a party-- (MUSIC)
TR (JESSE, SINGS, JOINED BY OTHERS):
South of the border, down Mexico way.
That's where I fell in love where stars above, came out to play.
And now as I wander, my thoughts ever stray.
South of the border, down Mexico way.
She was a picture, in old Spanish ways.
Just for a tender while I kissed the smile, upon her face.
For it was fiesta, and love had its day.
South of the border, down Mexico way.
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
GK: How did all these people get in here?
LL: I'm paying you to keep this guy quiet.
TR (JESSE, SINGS):
Goodbye Minnesota, I'm leaving today.
Goodbye to you, Ole, goodbye holy-moley, I'm going Ole'
Goodbye to my parka, I've thrown it away.
South of the border down Mexico way.
ALL SING:
We're coming with you, goodbye to the snow
Goodbye to ice and sleet, I prefer mesquite in Mexico.
Goodbye tuna hotdish, give me chicken mole,
South of the border, down Mexico way.
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
TR (JESSE): I'm going to Mexico and start feeling like a human being again.
SS: You make me feel like a natural woman, Mr. Shiny Head. Mind if I touch it? Oooooooo. Those deltoids, those pectorals -- there's something so sculpted about you.
LL: You talking to me?
TR (JESSE): She's talking to me, turkey neck. Amscray.
GK: Looks like you have to find a new chairman of National Day of Silence.
LL: Let somebody else worry about it, I'm going to Mexico.
GK: What about the radio stations?
LL: Not my problem.
GK: What about your guilt?
LL: I got over it!
GK: What about your dad? (TR SWEDISH)
LL: How about a serape, Pops? One size fits all.
LL (SINGS):
I used to be Swedish , with all that that means,
But I think that tortillas are able to free us
when eaten with beans.
No more obligations, no more dues to pay,
I'm going to find freedom down Mexico way.
GK: You know somebody's got to stay up here and defend the border against those rapacious Canadians, people. We can't all just walk away. There's soybeans to process. Turkeys to raise. Cheese to be made.
TR (JESSE): Everybody! One more chorus--
ALL (SING):
Goodbye to the pine trees, goodbye to the loon.
Me and my lovely Audrey, my darling compadre,
are off to Cancun.
We're giving up guilt and grief and dismay,
South of the Border, down Mexico way.
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
GK: What would your mothers think, people?
ALL:
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)