Garrison Keillor: The House of Representatives has passed a bill called the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2005 which makes broadcasters liable for fines of up to $500,000 for any obscene, indecent, or profane material. Probably it will be passed by the Senate and signed by the President, and so we have told our sound effects man Fred Newman that after that bill becomes law, we're going to have to be very careful about the sounds we make. (TOILET FLUSH) That one, for example. Fred is proud of his toilet flush. He can do power flush toilets (SFX) and urinals (SFX) and old-fashioned ones with the chain (SFX). He's worked for years on this and soon, perhaps this fall, it becomes illegal. We will still be able to throw men in suits over a cliff into a pool full of sharks however (TR PROTEST, AND FALLING CRY, SPLASH, WATER FROTHING FROM SHARKS, JAWS THEME) -- our lawyers tell us that nothing in the bill will prohibit that or the sound of a 1962 Toyota full of peanut butter being crushed in a steam-powered press (BURST OF STEAM, CRUSH, SQUISH), but we have to be extremely careful about flatulence. No flatulence after the bill is law. (PAUSE. VERY SLIGHT HISS) No, sir. None of that, sir. $500,000 is a lot to pay for a fart, and our show is heard on 500 stations so that means 250 million dollars. That would use up the Joan Kroc money that we got with just one (FART). Obscene, indecent, or profane. Of course we could do this -- (WAGGLING) as long as we didn't tell you what it is. We could do this. (HEAVY LUSTFUL BREATHING) We could do this. (OIL POURING, SLOSHING) But we can't do anything sexual. (WOLF HOWL) We can't do this. (PLOPS) That's indecent. This is okay. (SQUOSH, SQUISH) But not this. (PLOPS) And of course we can have a giant bird peck out the liver of a naked man tied to a rock. (BIRD SHRILL CLUCKING. MAN'S HORROR. PROTEST. BIRD SHRIEK. TEARING OF FLESH. MAN'S SCREAM) We can continue to perform brain surgery (RESPIRATOR) (CLINK OF TOOLS). We can still have the meteoroid heading toward earth (SFX) and the dolphins taking over the submarine (DOLPHINS, KLAXON. DOLPHIN: Dive! Dive! KLAXON) and aiming the forward tubes (PERISCOPE UP) and shooting the guided missiles (TWO TORPEDOES) out into space to hit the meteoroid (EXPLOSION) and blow it up into little particles the size of a compact car (WHIZZING OF INCOING) one of which hits a chicken coop (BIG SMASH, CHICKEN FRENZY). And another lands in Nevada and sets off a rockslide (AVALANCHE) and an earthquake (SFX) and dinosaur eggs deep in the earth's crust (SFX) are opened and giant mutant pterodactyls rise from the earth (SFX) and meanwhile the kids at the nearby Scout Camp are playing ping pong (KIDS, PING PONG) and the Homeland Security people arrive (CHOPPER) and they make the kids go through a metal detector (SFX) as the pterodactyls attack Las Vegas (SFX) and hurl slot machines high in the air (SFX) as Homeland Security makes the elderly camp chaplain (GEEZER) remove his shoes to be wanded (SFX) and the pterodactyls stride east toward Salt Lake City and are met by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (HUM CHORD) who are playing bagpipes (SFX) and the sound of the pipes makes the pterodactyls' brains implode (SFX) and the world is saved -- we can do that story, but if one kid at the Scout Camp has to pee, we can't do that. (KID: Please, I can't wait. I've gotta go.) You can't go until the show is over. (KID: I'm gonna wet my pants.) You'll have to wet them then, because we can't do peeing on the show. It's indecent and it would cost us $500,000, according to an act of Congress that is even now making its way into law. (KID: If I don't go, I'm gonna burst.) We can do bursting. (KID BURSTS) Okay, let's get the kid into surgery. (RESPIRATOR) Sew him up. (SEWING MACHINE)