Garrison Keillor: Summer is here, time to remind ourselves that what looks good on the golf course isn't necessarily appropriate anywhere else. Talking about plaid shorts. Plaids are okay in a shirt but when you put plaid into shorts, it can interfere with radio transmission (STATIC, RADIO DIAL, SQUEAL), and bright green or yellow shorts can distract motorists and cause pileups on the freeway (SFX: SCREECH, CRASH) - you could be walking down the street and a man using a hedge-trimmer (SFX:TRIMMER) suddenly throws it throws up his hands in horror (CRY OF SURPRISE, TRIMMER) and it cuts off his hair (TRIMMER, CRY OF PAIN) -- house painters on a high ladder (CRY, FALLING, CRASH, PAINT CANS) --an arc welder (WELDING) could be surprised and hurl the torch through his front window (CRY, FLIGHT OF TORCH, GLASS BREAKAGE) and the TV blows up (SFX) and the house burns to the ground and his entire collection of World War II hand grenades is lost (SERIES OF POPPING EXPLOSIONS) and his hydrogen balloon (SFX OF BALLOON FARTING AWAY).. Bright red plaid shorts attract certain animals, such as wildebeests (SFX) and maybe you think your neighborhood is wildebeest-free but not necessarily (SFX, THUNDERING WILDEBEEST). Jackals are attracted to blue plaids (SFX), and orange plaids attract hyenas (SFX), badgers (SFX), and pink draws giant condors (WINGS, SHRIEK). Plaid shorts can cause your neighbor's computer to freeze (CRY OF HORROR). They can bring down a jet airplane. (PA:"We have now reached an altitude at which all shorts that might interfere with the plane's navigational system must be removed and stored in an overhead compartment.") Be responsible this summer -- donate your golf pants to a clothing shelf--friends don't let friends wear plaid.
A message from CORPSE, the Committee of Responsible Plaid Shorts Etiquette.