Garrison Keillor: ...after this message.
Sue Scott: Food -- we associate it with celebration. Festivity. Holidays. (PEASANT MERRIMENT) So dining out in New York City is a grand occasion-- arrival at the restaurant, the maitre'd (TR FRENCH), the silver and linen (OOOOHHHS, AHHHHS), the conversation, and then (TRUMPETS) the presentation of the menus. (HONOR GUARD ROUTINE) And -- the recitation of the specials. (DINGING ON WATERGLASS, TR THROAT CLEARING,). It's wonderful. The problem is -- the food. Nobody wants it. Nobody needs it. It's late. You need to get home and go to bed. You don't need 14,000 calories at nine o'clock in the evening. People who are happy when the salad arrives (TR EBULLIENT ITALIAN), by the time they're halfway through the entree (TR SLOW GLOOMY RUSSIAN) they've gone over to the dark side and talking about their surgeries. Evenings that begin with great promise inevitably wind up in depression. (GROANS). That's why more and more New Yorkers are flocking to the Cafe Nolo. The menu is four feet long, but you don't have to worry about the food because there isn't any.
SS: At the Cafe Nolo, our specialty is -- the specials! (TR FRENCH SHOUTS) The recitation of the specials!
Tim Russell (FRENCH): Tonight we have the flame-encrusted duck confit, served with four skewered tomatoes and a single diced cucumber, served on a bed of free-range arugula and lightly drizzled with an effusion of pumpkin and topped with a miniature pizza the size of a 45-rpm recording of Edith Piaf.
Fred Newman (WOMAN, CLAPPING HER HANDS): How delightful!
SS: The specials! --always imaginative and entertaining--
TR (PIRATE): Ah me hearties -- have you ever eaten the innards of a shark -- well, tonight you're gonna -- roasted innards served with skewered eyeballs on a bed of ground glass and drizzled with slime and topped with the brains of a monkey.
SS (COCKNEY): How about a little meat pie, love -- made it meself? Nice and juicy.
FN (SOUTHERN): We got ribs... we got pork ribs, we got beef ribs, you get hush puppies with those and grits and a case of Coca Cola.
TR (DRACULA): Tonight... we have flesh... extremely rare. (EVIL LAUGH)
SS: You come in to the Cafe Nolo -- have a glass of wine (CORKSCREW, POP CORK, POURING), enjoy a little conversation (TR & FN & SS BRIEF HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH), listen to the specials--
TR (EASTERN EURO): Tonight we have a simmered butternut squash puree, molded into the shape of a chicken and studded with strawberries and roasted Milk Duds, served on a bed of mesclun greens with peeled grapes and topped off with corn-battered flapjacks.
SS: You ask for Grape Nuts, or Special K. It's good. You have a lovely time, you feel terrific, you're home by 9:30, and it only costs $95 per person, not including wine.
TR (EASTERN EURO): You are looking very beautiful tonight, madame.
SS: And I intend to go on looking beautiful by getting regular exercise-- and eating at the Cafe Nolo.
TR (ANNC): High atop the RCA Building in Rockefeller Center... $95 pris fixe not including wine...now making reservations for mid-October.