(GUY NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND FADE)
Garrison Keillor: It was January and I was in Duluth and the gas-powered parka I bought in the Army-Navy surplus store was not working for me. The vent in the back was letting in more cold air than the heater was heating up and I was managing to freeze my rear end at the same time as I was perspiring and steaming up my glasses and walking into things. And the little gas engine gave off odors that a man who deals with the general public would rather not emit. So I stayed in my motel room most of the time and watched daytime TV. (TV AUDIO) It was a show called "Lutheran Makeover" -- the beautician was a guy in jeans and a t-shirt that said, Rejoice.
TR (ON TV): We're gonna start off with some Chap Stick and then put on some unscented hand lotion. Your skin's a little dry.
Sue Scott (ON TV): Okay.
TR (ON TV): Hand lotion absorbs into your skin so it won't show and no one will know it's there, unless they touch you, which they're probably not going to do but who knows.
SS (ON TV): Actually, I already wear hand lotion
TR (ON TV): Oh! Well. Aren't we Miss Fancy Pants!
SS (ON TV): Sorry, I should have told you.
TR (ON TV): Thought you needed a makeover, and here you are already wearing hand lotion.
GK: It was like so much daytime TV -- interminable. I was actually looking forward to the commercials.
TR (ON TV): Okay, let's move on. Put on some clear nail polish and we're almost there. How do you feel?
SS (ON TV): About the same as I did before.
TR (ON TV): Then we've done our job. (TINNY MUSIC, BRIDGE)
GK: I was in Duluth for the Lake Superior Shoreline Authority established by the Northern Minnesota Quality of Life Commission, which is part of the Regional Assessment Board, that was started by the Blue Sky Task Force established by somebody -- nobody was sure who. It's like in any place that's owned and operated by Democrats -- people love committees. They just love 'em. Love to sit around the table and drink the coffee and write stuff in the notepads and listen to professional staff tell em a story. What the evening campfire was in Boy Scouts, committee meetings are in Duluth.
SS: Mr. Noir, we're trying to encourage ice fishing on the lake and we'd like you to go out there and catch some really big fish and then start running around and yelling, okay?
GK: Okay. Why don't people want to fish on the lake?
SS: Well, it never completely freezes over, you see.
GK: I didn't know that.
SS: No, there's always some open water.
GK: Okay.
SS: So if you go out ice fishing, there's always a chance that your ice could start moving on you.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: You're sitting there with a drop line and then-- you're trolling.
GK: Let me see what I can do. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I got an auger and I went out on the ice with a diver (FN SPEAKING BEHIND TIGHT MASK AND BREATHING WITH APPARATUS) and we walked out a few hundred yards and drilled a hole in the ice (SFX) and he went down there (FN SPEAKING, BREATHING, DESCENDING) with a big fish that he was going to hook on my line and then a man with a stringer of fish in his hand walked over to me (FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW)
GK: Mornin'
Louis Jenkins: Morning. How's the fishing?
GK: I just got here.
LJ: I know. I watched you come out here with that guy in the SCUBA outfit.
GK: What guy was that?
LJ: The guy who went down the hole.
GK: What hole?
LJ: The one you drilled with the auger.
GK: You saw a guy go down in the hole?
LJ: None of my business, but that's what I saw.
GK: What kind of beer you drinking?
LJ: You from here?
GK: No.
LJ: I sort of gathered that. Those gas-powered parkas -- guys up here don't wear those.
GK: Why not?
LJ: What?
GK: Why don't guys up here wear gas-powered parkas?
LJ: I didn't catch that. I'm deaf in my left ear.
GK: I wish I were too.
LJ: What?
GK: Never mind. (BRIDGE) I went back to the motel to take off the gas-powered parka -- if guys here don't wear them, then I don't want to either. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
SS: Hi. (STING)
GK: She was wearing sweat pants with sheep on them and a red flannel shirt and her hair was done up in a mullet, sort of frizzed and bleached, and she wasn't exactly appealing to the eye, but it was January. I had a sudden powerful urge to ask her if she'd care to go out and find a place where we could share a pizza and just talk.
SS: I'm in terrible trouble -- I met a guy online -- I should've known he was trouble when I saw his user name was User.
GK: What happened?
SS: I was in a chat room called Married But Still Interested and -- oh-- you're not Pastor Swanson--
GK: Maybe not but I'd still like to know what happened--
SS: I'm sorry. I thought this was Immaculate Savior--
GK: More like Hamburger Helper, but tell me about this guy --
SS: I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to bother you--
GK: You're not. Why are people here like this?
SS: I'm sorry-- I've upset you--
GK: The passive aggressive thing -- it drives me nuts--
SS: I'd better go--
GK: Please-- (DOOR CLOSE) She left and I turned the TV on and "Lutheran Makeover" was still on.
(TV AUDIO)
TR: Okay, now we're going to wet your hair in front and comb it out and see how that looks, okay?
SS: Real good.
TR: How you feeling?
SS: About the same.
TR: Well, that's the name of the game.
GK: Suddenly -- (WOOD BREAKAGE, FN IN MASK, BREATHING APPARATUS) the diver burst into the room -- he'd been in the lake for an hour or more, waiting for me to put my line down -- (FN ANGRY BEHIND FACE MASK, WALKING ACROSS ROOM IN WET FLIPPERS) -- he walked over to me and I had to pinch his air hose for a moment (SFX) until he came to his senses -- or rather, until he fainted. (SFX) He lay there on the couch for a moment and when he woke up--
Fred Newman: STEAMING
GK: His eyes burned with hatred.
FN: CRY OF ANGER
GK: That must hurt, to have your eyes burn with hatred like that. I've got eyedrops. Put your head back. (DRIP DRIP) There. How's that?
FN (HIGH VOICE): Better.
GK: Is that your normal voice?
FN (HIGH VOICE): No. It gets this way when I've been in the lake.
GK: You'll be better later.
FN (HIGH VOICE): I believe so.
GK: You lie down, close your eyes and have a little rest. (BRIDGE) I went down to the train station to catch the Highball Express back to St. Paul. (INDOOR TRAIN STATION AMBIENCE) Five p.m., right on time. (FOOTSTEPS ON PLATFORM, HISS OF STEAM, VOICES PASSING) I walked to the club car and boarded--
FN (OLD PORTER): Right this way, Mr. Noir.
GK: Put my valise in the vestibule, Franklin.
FN: My pleasure, sir. -- Oh. Thank you, sir. A fifty-cent piece. Don't see many of those anymore. (WALKS OFF, CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF)
TR: A libation for you, Mr. Noir?
GK: Martini, Eddie. With a soybean. For fiber.
TR: Gin?
GK: Of course.
TR: Tanqueray, Bombay --
GK: You have Hurley's?
TR: Hurley's Gin. Of course.
GK: Hurley's Gin from Hurley, Wisconsin -- Wildest Town In North America. They go to Hurley as Lutherans and they come out libertines.
TR: Coming right up.
SS: Hi. Ride this train often? (STING)
GK: I looked to my right. She was tall and blonde with skin like melted caramel and she looked as if she'd been melted and poured into that dress and forgot to say when. -- You from Hurley?
SS: I'm from Superior.
GK: I can see that, ma'am. You got Superior written all over you.
FN (OFF): Board!!!!!!!!!!! Board!!!!!!!!! (STEAM ENGINE CHUGGING, SLOW ACCEL) (BRIDGE)
GK: I felt good. I was in Duluth and I didn't fall into the lake. And now I'm riding the Highball Express from Duluth to St. Paul, looking forward to a Hurley's Martini, with a Superior woman by my side, what do I have to worry about? (TRAIN WHISTLE AS IT PICKS UP SPEED)
LJ: What'd you say?
GK: Never mind.
LJ: I'm a little deaf on this side.
GK: You're lucky.
LJ: What you do for a living?
GK: Earn my living with a deck of cards, and for fun I go around and thrill beautiful women.
LJ: Got a deck of cards right here.
GK: Deal em out, stranger.
LJ: Let me just refresh my memory. A royal flush would take a pair of eights, right?
GK: The classic approach of a veteran card sharp -- to feign ignorance. -- Here, sir-- you're a novice -- let me deal, Don't worry yourself about it. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)