Garrison Keillor: The rules of full disclosure require me to tell you that last week I was on a cruise ship in the Caribbean and that the average high temperature there was 81 and the average low was 76. I went under duress. I didn't want to go. But my wife's lawyer convinced me.
Tim Russell (RICO): A word to the wise. Go on the cruise. Otherwise-- you don't want to know about otherwise. Go. (STING)
GK: I don't care for sun. I hate beaches.
TR: If you know what's good for you, go.
GK: I'm happy right here in Minnesota in the winter.
TR: Go.
GK: But how can I go when those who deserve it more than I do can't go--
TR: Your wife is one of those people. So go.
GK: (STING)
So I went. The travel agent had put me in a first-class seat with a gourmet dinner, your choice of sirloin or sashimi tuna, but I couldn't accept it, having been raised in a Christian family, so I gave it to an old cleaning lady.
Sue Scott (OLD LADY): God bless you, Mr. Wyler. My first vacation in years and I've got a nasty case of the rickets from breathing all that toilet bowl cleanser over the years and this'll be the first sashimi tuna I ever had in my whole life.
So I sat back in steerage with the peasants (TR SWEDISH), some of whom had built small cooking fires in the aisle (FIRE) and were roasting chicken for their lunch -- fresh chicken (CLUCKS AND WHACK OF AXE). They had dogs with them (WOOFING) and later somebody got out a saxophone (SAX) and a lady danced (SS LATIN CRIES) and all up and down the aisles you could see people reading trashy books (SLOW HEAVY BREATHING) -- it was just a very interesting look at how other people live.
(GUITAR BREAK)
We arrived in Fort Lauderdale where the cruise ship was to embark, the ss Bounty -- there was something different about it-- the other luxury cruise ships were bigger (THREE DIFFERENT LARGE BOAT HORNS) and ours was smaller and the sides of the ship were streaked with vomit (A PENALTY HORN) -- there were 1000 passengers and a crew of 14 and the cruel Captain Bligh--
TR: (STRIDING DECK) When I say that bingo will begin at 1500 hours, I mean I want to see EVERYBODY PLAYING BINGO!!!! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?
GK: The food was shovelled into long wooden troughs (BIG SCHLUMP AND SLOSH OF SOFT FOOD) which nobody ate anyway because the seas were rough (WAVES CRASHING, CREAKING OF BOAT, CRY OF FEAR, BIG WAVE CRASHES) -- the boat pitched and tossed in the thirty-foot waves (MORE CRASHING, CREAKING, CRIES OF FEAR) and I felt so nauseous I started to look like my passport photo and the big Broadway revue in the showroom wasn't as good as it should be (ALL: TOMORROW, TOMORROW--..ETC) and nobody played shuffleboard or went to the casino, but everyone went to morning chapel even though it was interdenominational -- (All: Our WHOEVER who art SOMEWHERE, hallowed be thy name or names----.) and the next morning when we spotted the iceberg we realized it wasn't a Caribbean cruise after all.
(GUITAR BREAK)
So we mutinied and we put Captain Bligh into a life raft.
TR: You'll pay for this. You'll see. If you think a mutiny is going to take care of your room charges, think again. (SPLASH)
GK: We were rescued by a school of dolphins (SFX) who led us out of treacherous waters. So we thought. Boy, were we wrong. Not all dolphins are benevolent. (EVIL DOLPHIN TALK) I know that now. They put something in the food that made us dizzy. (NAUSEA) And made our cheeks loose. (SFX) And we lost track of time. (SPACEY MUSIC)
And instead of less icebergs there seemed to be more -- (KLAXON) and just when help finally arrived (CHOPPERS) and the U.S. Coast Guard cutter came up alongside (BOAT HORN. TK ON BULLHORN: Stand by for boarding) -- all of the dolphins slipped over the side (DOLPHIN CHUCKLING) and they were gone (FIVE QUICK SPLASHES) and instead, there was Captain Bligh --
TR: Thought you could get rid of me, did you? Well, I've got a little surprise for you. You're not in the Caribbean. You're in Duluth!!!
GK: It was a big relief to get home. To open the door (CREAKING, FROZEN DOOR) which was frozen shut and to walk into the house -- (SFX, MUD TRUDGE) -- the water pipes had burst and -- (CAT) the cat had turned feral and hunkered on top of the fridge -- a cat demented perhaps by the gas leak (HISSING) -- it's in here somewhere-- I need a light-- where's a match?
Fred Newman (INT VOICE): Don't do that.
GK: Oh what do you know? (MATCH STRIKE. WHOOMP OF EXPLOSION)
GUITAR BREAK
And suddenly everything is beautiful. Just like it says in Scripture. The lion (SFX) is lying there with the lamb (SFX) and the leopard (SFX) and the goat (SFX) and a little child shall lead them.
FN: This way! Let's go. (MUSIC BUTTON)