...brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council.
TR: Oh. Thank you. A polo shirt. Burgundy. Extra large?
SS: You can exchange it if you don't like the color...
TR: No. It's fine. (REVERB) Burgundy. Only guys I know who wear
burgundy shirts are in their sixties and smoke cigarillos and drive Buick
LeSabres. What is she trying to tell me?
GK: And so the burgundy polo shirt goes into a drawer, along with
the fondue set and James Joyce's Ulysses. They stay in the
drawer for thirteen years and then they're thrown in a shopping bag and
picked up by the Salvation Army.
TR (MINNESOTA): What you got there, Marge?
SS (MINNESOTA): Ulysses by James Joyce and a coonskin bikini.
GK: That's the bikini that he gave her thirteen years ago, right
after she gave him the burgundy polo shirt.
SS: Oh. Thank you. A bikini. Made of fur.
TR: It's coonskin. I saw it in the window at Victoria's Secret.
If you don't like it, you can exchange it. I won't be offended.
SS: No. It's--interesting. (REVERB) That's one secret Victoria
should have kept.
GK: So the bikini goes to the Salvation Army along with the Bach
Brandenburg Concertos.
SS (TEEN): Oh. Wow. Like, Bach. Cool.
TR: If you don't like it, you can exchange it, honey.
SS (TEEN): No. It's like cool. Bach. (REVERB) Am I that nerdy?
Am I like the nerdiest person in, like, the entire country or something?
GK: Off to the Salvation Army it goes. A big waste of money. Wouldn't
it have been better to give your loved ones something they'd actually
use? Like duct tape? You can't transform somebody's life with a Christmas
gift. Give something useful: underwear. A book of stamps. Packages of
dried lentils. And duct tape. A message from the American Duct Tape Council.
(DUCKS) Duct tape--it's almost the only thing you need sometimes.