Garrison Keillor: Our big Christmas production here at the Fitzgerald Theater, "Buster the Dog of Bethlehem," which our marketing people said was a sure hit, has been a real dog of a show (WOOFS) -- sorry, Buster -- but it's true (WISTFUL PIANO). We've been at about 8 percent of capacity. We've had to give away tickets and a free hot meal -- and lock the doors at intermission-- it's been an embarrassment to all of us.
Tom Keith (DOG): Well, the falling snow is pretty good. And the ice.
GK: The falling snow is great. There's an ice rink that comes in on a turntable -- Hey! Bring in the skating rink!! (VOICES, CREW, STEADY HUM OF POWERFUL ELECTRICAL MOTOR, CREAKING OF WOOD, RATCHET. THUNK) There it is. Beautiful. A pond and skaters and snow falling. But we shouldn't have put it at the beginning of the show. That should've been the end of the first act.
TK (DOG): You think so?
GK: I know so. And the big opening number where angels fly in on wires and Mary and Joseph come skating across the pond and the angels sing-- "Hello flora, hello fauna, get the menorah, here comes Madonna" --
TK (DOG): I love that number. It's got everything. I love it.
GK: I do too, but it shouldn't come at the beginning. You don't start out the circus with the high-wire act, Puccini didn't start out "Turandot" by having the tenor come out and sing "Nessun dorma"--
TK (DOG): Good point.
GK: He saved it for Act III. I mean-- Where was the thinking here? Who was in charge?
TK (DOG): Well, I tried to tell em. But nobody listens to a dog.
GK: You spend everything in the opening scene, you've got nowhere to go but down.
TK (DOG): Darn tootin.
GK: And then after the big number it takes awhile to change the set, so the curtain is down and in front of the curtain we see a child nestled snug in his bed -- and he's there for ten minutes -- sleeping --
TK (DOG): It's too long.
GK: It's too long. He's dreaming and we see the shadow of the big Christmas tree and a twinkly star at the top but ten minutes is a long time to watch a kid sleeping if you're not the kid's parent. The audience gets restless. And then finally the curtain goes up and it's the Bethlehem scene. But why the dancing mice? And why do we have Joseph sing "It Ain't Me, Babe" -- what was the reasoning there?
TK (DOG): I don't know.
GK: Whose idea was that? We've got dancing mice and Joseph being all moody about things and then the angel sings the Waltz of the Flowers -- who wrote this?
INGA (ANGEL) (SINGS):
Welcome to Bethlehem
Happy to make your acquaintance
The inn is rather full, the lines are long,
So I came in here to sing a song
And to thank you for your patience.
TK (DOG): It doesn't fit, does it.
GK: It absolutely doesn't fit. And the snow starts to fall again. And there's a ballerina. And then the shepherds come in. Out of nowhere. In shepherd outfits, but underneath they're wearing jeans and black T-shirts. And you've got the big shepherd dance number-- the high kicks, the twirls, they're leaping off rocks -- what's that about?
ALL (finger-snapping):
When you're a shep-
Herd you watch o'er your sheep
You are cool, you are hep
And the night is so deep
When you're a shep-
Herd you're part of the clan--
You drink out of wineskins
You get a nice tan.
You're never alone,
There's always someone else's
So grab a megaphone
And shake your bellses
In excelsis.
A shepherd you are
With a capital S
You look for a star
And you're wearing a dress
When you're with sheep
You work with sheep!
GK: And then after all this action, we get about ten minutes of shepherds watching flocks. That is a long time for sheep watching. It goes on and on.
TK (DOG): Needed some editing. That's for darn sure
GK: Basically, they're sitting there on a hillside saying, "Boy, something's about to happen. Don't know what. But something." And then the angel comes and you've got strobe lights which goes on for awhile. The angel's name is Stacy and she sings her song, which sounds a lot like a song we just heard--
INGA (ANGEL, SINGS):
Fear not, I say, fear not
For here in the city of Judah
There shall be a child born tonight
I am pretty sure that that is right
Or is it supposed to be Buddha?
GK: It's a song about other faiths and tolerance -- They tossed it in as a concession to the Unitarians. Sung by the angel, Stacy
TK (DOG): Odd name for an angel.
GK: Stacy. In the Bible, it's Gabriel, isn't it? Here it's Stacy and she has beautiful streaked blonde hair and she's wearing a robe for Kwanzaa and there's a long harp solo and suddenly it occurs to you -- hey, we're almost an hour into this thing and where's the dog?
TK (DOG): Yup.
GK: "Buster the Dog of Bethlehem" -- it's the title role -- where is he?
TK (DOG): In my dressing room.
GK: This is what happens when you let people in marketing write something. They think everybody has an attention span of thirty seconds.
GK: So the child is born. We know this because the star appears in the sky, and the Three Wise Men appear and one of them is wearing red Spandex shorts.
Tim Russell (JESSE): Hooya. We're talking lineage of Jesse here. Hosanna.
TR (JESSE, SINGING): Here we come a-rassling and pulling people's hair
(Hollering and screaming and throwing folding chairs.)
GK: And the wise men bring gold and frankincense and myrrh and a nutcracker. And Mr. Fezziwig appears (TR CHORTLING AND GENERAL JOLLINESS, FIDDLE TUNE) and there's a dance, a Russian dance (TREPAK FROM NUTCRACKER) and there are Russians (TR RUSSIAN) and Tiny Tim is there--
TR (TINY): God bless us, every one.
GK: And there are camels (CAMELS) and that's when you come out. (WOOF). The show's almost over and they finally bring out the star. (WOOF) And there's some pyrotechnics. (ROCKETS) And a baton twirler. (TWIRLING) And Scrooge wakes from his dream. (LIGHT JINGLING OF BELLS)
GK: Why-- it's day. -- Hello????? You down there in the street. Hello, boy? I say-- What day is today?
TR (CHILD): Today? Why, it's Christmas, sir.
TR (SCROOGE): And is that big goose still hanging in the poulterer's window, boy?
TR (CHILD): You mean that enormous Christmas goose, sir?
TR (SCROOGE): The very one. Here-- here's a guinea. Go fetch it for me, boy. And here's a gold sovereign for you.
TR (CHILD): For me, sir? Oh boy! Yes, sir! Merry Christmas, sir!!!
GK: And he joins the shepherds and the Wise Men and the skaters and the angels and there's the big number at the end--
ALL (SING):
When you're a Chris-
Tian, it really is nice
Whether Episcopalian
Or Church of Christ.
When you're a Chris-
Tian you sing and you pray
Your heart's full of bliss
And the coffee's okay.
You're never alone,
The Lord is always present
He sits on his throne
And always sends you
Lots of blessings.
A Christian you are
With a capital C
Just follow the star
And be just like me.
When you're the Lord's
You're cool, of course!
(BAND PLAYOFF, UNDER...)
TR: That's "Buster the Dog of Bethlehem" -- plenty of good seats remaining for the late show tonight, and then tomorrow at 2 p.m. 5 7:30 and 10. Souvenir songbooks and T-shirts in the lobby. Don't forget the Original Cast CD.