Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board. (PIANO)
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. The cold weather means the end of lawn care for a few months and also we don't have to shop for a new refrigerator -- we can just limp along with the old one. We got a nice letter from our son's parole officer saying that he's gone six months without stealing anything and now he's enrolled in business school, as a hospitality major. I was opening a package the other day with my Swiss Army knife and used a blade I hadn't ever used before and suddenly a voice came out of it, speaking German, and ever since then, men in a black BMW SUV have been parked in front of the house and I've just felt a whole lot safer. And then the other morning, I found Barb sending out Christmas cards that say "May the Holiday Season Be Meaningful To You in These Dark Times" -- Barb, when are you going to get over the fact that John Kerry lost?
Sue Scott: Jim, I don't want to argue politics with you. I might wind up having to kill you and then, for the rest of my life, Christmas would be associated with the grim experience of having to dispose of your body.
TR: Barb -- it's over. The country voted for Bush. Why can't we put it behind us?
SS: It's the fact that you voted for Bush that burns my bacon, Jim. How could you?
TR: I just did what I thought was best for the country.
SS: Jim -- you can barely keep track of what's best for the front yard. You have no idea where Iraq is--
TR: It's near Iran. Fairly near Iran. Around Pakistan. And those other -Stans. Anyway it doesn't matter.
SS: It does.
TR: Does not.
SS: You don't know what you're talking about.
TR: I do.
SS: You don't.
TR: I do.
SS: You have no idea.
TR: I know who I want to run this country, I know that.
SS: He's a bozo.
TR: So what? We tried having a really smart president. Bill Clinton. A guy who does the Times crossword in about three minutes. While he's on the phone talking foreign policy. And what did it get us? A lot of confusion. At least with Bush you know he isn't going to lie under oath about fooling around with some young thing from the Heritage Foundation. He may lie about Iraq and Social Security and energy policy and tax cuts, but he won't do it under oath.
SS: And that's why you voted for him?
TR: What can I say? It felt good at the time.
SS: Jim, I think my Christmas present to you is going to have to be a dictionary. So you can look up the words "shallow" and "arrogant"?
TR: Barb, I don't think you're getting enough ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that let Democrats let go of old grudges and embrace the future. Come on, what do you say?
Rich Dworsky (SINGING):
These are the good times, when everyone is merry,
Bright lights are blinking all across the prairie
Life is flowing,
Like ketchup on cranberry.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times...
RD (SINGING): Ketchup... ketchup...