(QUIET WOODLAND THEME...)
Garrison Keillor: It was deer hunting season in Minnesota and the deer were moving out of the woods and into the suburbs.
Sue Scott: Look. A deer in our backyard.
Tim Russell: Big deal.
SS: A female.
(DOOR OPEN)
TR: HEY!!! (HE CLAPS) BEAT IT!!!!
SS: She isn't moving a muscle.
TR: I'll go get my rifle.
SS: Don't you dare.
TR: Stupid deer.
GK: The deer weren't stupid. They were strategic. They knew that the men who killed Grandpa and Bambi would not dare do it in front of their own wives and children, so the deer came into the suburbs. They crossed the busy highways. (CAR BRAKES, HORN HONK, SWERVE)
TR: HEY YOU STUPID DEER!!!
GK: They came singly and then in extended family groups and gathered around the homes of people whose NRA bumper stickers identified them as deer hunters.
TR: (TALKING ON PHONE) Listen-- we got a herd of deer digging up our lawn and eating the trees and leaving their droppings and-- I should go out in the yard and do what???
GK: Every morning the deer stood near where the kids waited for the schoolbus.
TR (KID): Look at those deer. Awesome.
SS (KID): You think deer would eat salami sandwiches?
TR (KID): Let's see.
SS (KID): Here, deer. Here, deer. (DEER GRUNT, CHEWING) Hey, he likes it. How about some Doritos? (DEER CRUNCHING) Wow. What nice teeth you have--
Tom Keith (DEER): Thanks.
TR (KID): He just said something.
TK (DEER): Of course I said something. I'm a deer, not a dope.
SS (KID): What's your name?
TK (DEER): John.
TR (KID): Cool.
TK (DEER): You kids want to come meet my family?
SS (KID): Wow. Cool. (BRIDGE)
GK: Meanwhile, their daddy was at the golf course. (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT OF BALL)
TK: Hey nice shot--real nice.
TR: Come on baby, come on baby, come on...
TK: Boy-oh-boy it's rolling right up on the green...
TR: Come on baby, come on...
TK: Oh oh...
TR: What?
TK: That deer is running out and grabbing your ball--
TR: HEY! YOU! (RUNNING) HEY! (CHORDS)
GK: The golf ball was there and under it was a piece of paper with writing on it.
TR: "We-- have--"
GK: The handwriting, or rather footwriting, was poor, the result of trying to hold a black crayon with a cloven hoof.
TR: "We have-- your--kids--"
TK: Oh oh.
TR: "Give us what we want and you get your kids back. Signed "John Doe". (STING)
GK: He was a good daddy even though he drove a monster pickup to work (ENGINE REV) and he threw garbage out the window (TR HEAVE, SPLAT) and was guilty of road rage (TR HIGH GRINDING ROAR) and he listened to sleazy call-in shows on the radio and he was busy draining lakes (SUCKING) and cutting forests (CHAINSAW) and building strip malls (RIVETING GUN) -- he was a good daddy and so he was heartbroken-- and when the angry villagers of the Golden Meadows Gated Village gathered with their flaming torches (MOB), shaking their hairy fists, the daddy stood up and spoke--
TR: Listen. Let's not go out there and scare them. I don't want them to hurt my kids. I'll go alone.
SS: Well, be sure and take a rifle.
TR: No. (CROWD GASP) I don't need a rifle. I'm going to use diplomacy. (CROWD TURMOIL) (BRIDGE)
GK: And so the daddy went into a deep forest (BRUSH, FOOTSTEPS) along the river and he made his way through the underbrush to a ravine where he slid down through some sumac bushes to a clearing and there stood a deer, a male, with a mighty pair of antlers--
TR: Hello.
TK: (DEER TALK)
TR: I'm looking for my kids.
TK: (DEER TALK)
TR: I'm sorry but-- I don't understand deer. Could you find someone who can speak English?
TK: (DEER SNORT)
TR: Please? (BRIDGE)
GK: He waited for a minute and then a young female emerged from the brush--
SS (DEER): Good evening.
TR: Good evening.
SS (DEER): I speak a little English. My name is Abby.
TR: Abby Deer?
SS (DEER): In deer culture, we put the last name first.
TR: Oh. Okay.
SS (DEER): But you can call me Abby.
TR: Abby, I'm the father of the kids. Are they safe?
SS (DEER): Yes. They're eating grass and leaves.
TR: Really! We never could get them to eat vegetables. Can I have my kids back? I miss them. (HE CHOKES UP) I haven't been as good a dad as I wish I were--I want another chance. Please.
SS (DEER): Okay, but on one condition.
TR: What?
SS (DEER): I want you to shoot my ex-husband.
TR: Really? I thought deer were monogamous.
SS (DEER): So did I. Then he went off with Jane. Their love nest is about a mile from here. I can show you.
TR: I don't think I can do that, somehow. I'm a changed person. I don't think I can ever kill anything again. Ever. (CLICK OF RIFLE HAMMER) -- What's that?
SS (DEER): What do you think it is? It's your deer rifle.
TR: Please. Don't aim that at me.
SS (DEER): Don't make me do it, mister.
TK (DEER): Abby--
SS (DEER): John--
TK (DEER): I came back--
SS (DEER): Oh John--
TK (DEER): I woke up and smelled the coffee, Abby-- it was a hunter-- he took a shot at me and missed -- it made me realize how precious life is-- and how much I love you--
SS (KID): Daddy!
TR (KID): Hi dad. (HEARTFELT THEME)
GK: And so the kids came home safe. The deer family was reunited. The daddy stopped cutting down trees and building strip malls and he started volunteering at the homeless shelter at church.
TR: Warm that up for you, sir?
GK: Sure. Thanks. (POURING COFFEE)
TR: Cream or sugar?
GK: No thanks.
TR: Need a place to stay tonight?
GK: I guess I do.
TR: We'll find you one. Anything else I can do for you?
GK: How about a pad of paper and a pencil?
TR: Okay. You a writer?
GK: I am. Yes.
TR: I thought so. We get a lot of writers in here.
GK: I'm not surprised.
TR: You mind staying with a family in a ravine?
GK: Fine by me.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)