(Recorded June 18 for broadcast on June 19)
GK: We come from the Midwest, the flat place out in the middle with all the little rectangular shapes on the ground, roughly east of Tahoe and west of Columbia University, which so many of our public radio listeners have never seen, though they did read "Giants In The Earth" in 9th grade, which actually killed off their interest in seeing the Midwest. How is it different from other places in America? Let's take a look.
Scene One: New York City.
(PHONE RING. PICKUP)
SS (OTHER END): Yeah?
TR: Doris, it's Sydney.
SS: I know. Whaddaya want, ya jerk?
TR: Doris, listen. I'm calling on my cellphone which is almost out of power, I'm in the park, somebody stole my wallet and he also took my suit, I'm crouched down in my underwear behind some rocks, and I'm supposed to be at the doctor's in fifteen minutes to get the results of the CAT scan on my prostate which I happen to know is the size of a grapefruit and I'm wondering if you could please go to my apartment and get me a pair of pants and a shirt and twenty bucks for cab fare and bring it over here to 72nd Street and toss it into the bushes. Could you do that for me, Doris? Please?
SS: You want that I should put down what I'm doing and go all the way up to your apartment and get you some pants and a shirt and $20 and take it to 72nd Street ----- huh? Is that what you're asking?
TR: Please, Doris. I'm desperate. I'm begging.
SS: Listen, you big jerk. For your information, I just had four wisdom teeth pulled, the upstairs neighbor's toilet is leaking through my chandelier, and I read your piece on the OpEd page this morning and you, Sydney, are an idiot ---- I was embarrassed for you, Sydney, you don't know what you're talking about.
TR: Doris, I got nobody else to call. I'm begging----
SS: Call up your girlfriend, the one you dumped me for, and ask her to come help you.
TR: Shondra is bipolar, Doris. Her medications are on the fritz, she's not having a good day. And her apartment is being remodeled and she's been living in a homeless shelter.
SS: Oh, all right. But this is the last time, you hear me, Sydney? This is it. Never again. What pair of pants you want?
TR: The blue jeans.
SS: Blue jeans don't look good on you, Sydney. You need slacks with a pleated front. I'll bring the brown ones.
TR: Oh. Okay. Thanks, Doris.
SS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa---(MUSIC)
GK: SCENE TWO: CALIFORNIA
(RING 5 TIMES)
SS (OTHER END, RECORDING): This is Crysalis. Here's a poem for today ----- The spotted pony stood in the meadow, a shaft of sunlight at its feet. Suddenly I am aware of my own breathing, like the drum that we call tomorrow. ----Have a beautiful day. Leave your message at the sound of the sigh. (SIGH)
TR: Uh. Hi, Chris, it's Trent, I was wondering if you could ---- you know ---- help me---- I'm in Laurel Canyon at this therapist's house and she, like, went someplace? And I guess she forgot that I was, you know, in the hot tub? Anyway, I'm calling on my cellphone which is running low on power---- . (PICK UP)
SS: Trent.
TR: Hi.
SS: I was just thinking about you ----
TR: Oh wow ----
SS: I mean, like right now----
TR: That is so incredible.
SS: You were all dappled with light and shade and you were sitting in water.
TR: Wow. That is so affirmative.
SS: So you are in a hot tub? Like now?
TR: Yes.
SS: That's so great. How does it feel?
TR: Really good except that she went away and she locked the house and my clothes are in there----
SS: Who is she?
TR: Her name is Namaste and she's a psychic except she is not about telling the future, she's totally focused on the present, she is able to see so much, it's just incredible. I have learned more from her in the past twenty-four hours than I have in forty years of living.
SS: Trent----
TR: Yes?
SS: I'm getting this flash----
TR: Oh wow.
SS: I'm getting this very strong vibe that she's coming back and that you are supposed to stay in the water as part of your therapy. It's about trust, Trent.
TR: Cool.
SS: Everything's going to be okay.
TR: Great.
SS: Just relax and let the water hold you.
TR: Okay.
SS: Let the water flow through you.
TR: Great.
SS: Let water come out of you.
TR: I will. Thanks for giving me permission. Oh, that feels so good.
SS: Does that feel good?
TR: I've wanted to do that since I was a little kid.
SS: And now you have.
TR: Thank you so much for letting me feel that it's all right.
SS: It's all right.
TR: Cool. (BRIDGE)
GK: SCENE THREE: THE MIDWEST
(RING. RING. PICKUP)
GK (OTHER END): Hello?
SS: Don? Hi. It's Nancy. How are you?
GK: I'm fine.
SS: How's Beth?
GK: She's good. How are you?
SS: We're fine.
GK: And Leland?
SS: He's fine.
GK: That's good. And the kids?
SS: They're doing fine.
GK: How's your job coming along?
SS: Really nice. I like it a lot.
GK: That's great.
SS: People have really been nice.
GK: That's good.
SS: How's your work?
GK: It's good.
SS: You seem so busy these days. You just keep going, going, going....
GK: I'm fine, don't worry.
SS: Well, we worry about you.
GK: Don't. I'm fine. So what can I do for you?
SS: You're busy, aren't you.
GK: No. I'm fine.
SS: I can tell by the tone in your voice. You're busy. Oh, I knew I shouldn't have called.
GK: I'm fine. What's up?
SS: I'm your sister, Don, I can tell by the sound in your voice. You're irritated with me. I shouldn't have called.
GK: Nancy, please----- what can I do for you?
SS: You're wishing I'd go away----
GK: No.
SS: Your needy sister who does all the dumb things.
GK: What can I do?
SS: I shouldn't have called.
GK: Nancy. Stop. Just tell me what the problem is and let's deal with it. Okay? What's up?
SS: You're going to kill me, Don, but I'm taking part in a TV reality show, Don, and the thing is that I'm standing naked in the woods with only this cellphone and I'm allowed one phone call to see if I can find a friend to come and get me, and you're my only hope, Don. I thought about calling Leland. And I would never ever ask him to come and get me like this.
GK: So you're naked?
SS: Yes. It's a reality show called "The Good Samaritan". It's a test of whether you can get your friends to come help you.
GK: No problem.
SS: You can?
GK: Sure.
SS: I'd be glad to pay you for your gas and all.
GK: No, no. No problem.
SS: Well, I'd sure appreciate it. Thank you.
GK: You bet.
SS: Let me give you directions how to get here.
GK: Okay.
SS: You sure it's no problem?
GK: No problem.
SS: You'd tell me if it was, wouldn't you?
GK: Don't worry about it.
SS: I know, but you'd tell me if it was a problem.
GK: It's okay.
SS: I know, but ---- you've done so much for me, and I hate to ask this.
GK: It's all right. Really.
SS: You're always helping me out.
GK: I'm glad to.
SS: You're the most giving person I know. I'm so lucky to have you for a brother.
GK: I'm glad to help. Is that right now you wanted me to come?
SS: Yes. It's a problem, isn't it.
GK: No, I can work it out.
SS: I knew it was going to be a problem.
GK: It'll be okay.
SS: I knew it. Listen, I think my time is almost up----
GK: No, really, I can do it.
SS: I'm sorry I bothered you. And now I'm wasting all your time with this stupid phone call.
GK: It's no problem.
SS: You're probably in the midst of something right now.
GK: I am, but it's okay.
SS: Oh my God.
GK: It's okay. Nancy---- really.
SS: What's going on?
GK: Well, this is the night I take the wheelchair people over to the Y to go swimming.
SS: Oh my god.
GK: It's okay. I'm just starting to load them on the bus, I can get them off and come get you.
SS: I could just go shoot myself.
GK: Nancy, it's not a problem. It's raining but I'll throw a tarp over them and be there in a minute---- where are you?
SS: Oh Don, I feel so ashamed of myself. I signed up for this reality show because I wanted the attention and now the reality is, I find out that I'm a great big creep.
GK: Nancy-----Please. Let me just haul these crippled guys off the van and get a tarp and I'm out of here. Where are you?
SS: Oh Don, I am the most worthless person. Buck-naked out here in the woods and you helping crippled people----
GK: Please----
SS: Mother was right. I'm no good----
GK: Nancy-----
SS: I'm disgusted with myself. I don't know why I bother to keep going on. I honestly don't. My life is in the toilet. I'm sorry I bothered you.
GK: Nancy----
SS: Forgive me, Don.
GK: Nancy, listen to me for two seconds. Please. Nancy. Just listen. Okay? Don't talk. Are you listening to me? Nancy?
SS: I'm listening.
GK: Okay. Listen. We love you, Nancy. All of us do. Leland loves you. We value you as a human being, as a good and caring if sometimes confused human being, but we all get confused, Nancy, and we're all here to help you, okay? Trust me on this. Okay?
SS: Okay. (SOBBING)
GK: Good. You go ahead and cry. It's good to let it out. It's good to let all of that anger and frustration out. And while you're letting it out, I'm realizing that a couple of these people in wheelchairs are carrying concealed weapons, and I'm not going to be able to come and get you.
SS: Are you okay?
GK: I'm fine. It's just---- there are a couple of them with pistols and I don't know who, but they're looking at me in that sort of stony way that wheelchair people do? You know? They're militant-----
SS: I understand.
GK: One of them is motioning for me to get them on the bus.
SS: That's okay. Thank you, Don.
GK: Can you find another way home?
SS: Yes. Don't worry. I'm naked and I'm lost but I feel loved and I'm going to be okay.
GK: Good. You're take care now.
SS: I'm fine.
GK: Okay. Good.
SS: You take care, too.
GK: Are you sure you're okay now?
SS: I'm fine. Are you okay?
GK: I'm fine.
SS: Good to talk to you.
GK: Good to talk to you. See you soon.
SS: See you.
GK: Bye now.
SS: Bye now.
(PHONE HANG UP)
(MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
TR: ADVENTURES IN COMMUNICATION....."Asking for a Personal Favor".....(MUSICAL BUTTON)