(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets--but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
GK: It was April, the cruelest month, when the world turns green and a man is moved to thoughts of love, but you've forgotten how the song goes. My sister Georgina is into Feng Shui and she said she could improve the energy flow in my office. She came in and moved my desk four inches to the left.
SS: Now I'm just going to ring this tiny cymbal and chant and we'll be all done. (CHANTING, MIDWESTERN: O YA, O SHUR YA)
GK: Not that I needed much energy, I had only one case, the case of the funny funeral director, who had come in to see me a couple weeks before. (BRIDGE)
TR: Mr. Noir? I'm Leonard Barley. I'm with the Barnum & Barley Funeral Home. Am I catching you at a bad time? I could come back later if you don't have time.
GK: Mr. Barley, my time is yours. Take as much as you wish.
TR: Are you sure? I don't mind waiting.
GK: Please. What can I do for you?
TR: Well, it's like this. We're doing a big business these days. Sometimes three or four a day. Like yesterday, there were three. And three the day before. Four on Wednesday. Tuesday, I forget. Three or four. Probably. Two, for sure. But probably three. Or four. I'd have to look it up. I'd guess three. Tuesdays usually aren't so busy. Monday I know we had four.
GK: Right. Anyway-----
TR: I'm boring you, aren't I.
GK: No, it's not that.
TR: You find me tedious.
GK: No.
TR: I used to be a livelier person. Much livelier. Back when I was a professional dancer. You may not believe that I was a dancer, because of my weight, but I was. I got heavy eating funeral lunches, Mr. Noir. Four funerals a day, and they're insulted if you don't have at least one ham salad sandwich and a piece of pie. It all adds up. Anyway, I was a professional tango dancer. Until I twisted my knee doing a low glide. Then I had to hang up my dancing shoes. I taught English for awhile. High school English. And from that it just seemed natural to go into the funeral business. Am I boring you?
GK: No.
TR: You can tell me if I am.
GK: No, you're doing fine.
TR: I tend to be rather deliberate when I talk.
GK: You're doing fine.
TR: Deliberateness is a habit you learn as a funeral director. It's not a line of work that encourages the sudden impulse.
GK: No, of course not.
TR: Spontaneity is not a virtue in funeral direction, Mr. Noir. You're supposed to be Mr. Solid. Anyway, I'm just wondering if we shouldn't personalize funerals a little by getting up and telling a few of the deceased's favorite jokes before a funeral---- you know, to lighten things up--
GK: Not a bad idea.
TR: Did you hear the one about the man who goes to Florida for his health but after two weeks, he dies. At his funeral, two of his friends come to see him as he lies in his casket. "Doesn't
he look wonderful?" One of them says. "Yeah," says the other, "those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good." (BRIDGE)
GK: I went down to the Five Spot and (SOME CROWD HUBBUB) there was a stage at one end and a line of people. According to the sign, they were auditioning for Amateur Comedy Night. (AMBIENCE).--Amateur Comedy. Kind of a redundant phrase, no?
TR (JIMMY): Gotta do something to get people in here, Guy. And we got a Baptist night club opening up next door.
GK: Baptist night club?
TR (JIMMY): They bring in Christian rock bands like The Grateful Risen, and The Whom, and all the kids go and drink fruit juice and dance around each other. But not too close.
GK: Interesting.
TR (JIMMY): Nobody wants to just sit at a bar anymore, they want activities-theme nights. Tonight is comedy. Tuesday is slip knot night. And Wednesday is slides of vacation trips. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I sat with a sarsaparilla and watched a few comedians.
TK (SLURRING): My wife says I drink too much. Or is it not enough? I forget.
GK: The drunk ones and the slick ones-
TR (SLICK): You ever notice how men and women are different? Huh? Hey, speaking of airlines-- how about this selling lunches in the economy section? Huh? You hear about that?
GK: the bitter ones --
SS (BITTER): You people remind me of my ex-boyfriend. Boy, this guy has hit bottom and he's starting to dig. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. I mean, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. I told him, Brent, you're going to go far, and the sooner you start, the better. I stood right next to him, I could hear the ocean. (BRIDGE)
GK: Most of them were nice, well-adjusted people with jobs, home, families, no current arrest record, health insurance, lives-what did they need to do comedy for?
TR (MIDWESTERN): So this duck walks into the drugstore and he says, "Do you have any Chapstick? And the druggist said no. So the duck comes back the next day - I think this is how it goes-- and he says, Do you have any Chapstick? And the druggist says no I don't. -- Now what's the part about the nails? There's something about nails. Oh. Right. The duck comes in the next day and he says, "Do you have any nails?" And the druggist says, No, but we've got Chapstick. And the duck says, Give me one and put it on my bill. Is that how it goes? Let me tell you the one about the penguin-- What is the deal with penguins these days?
GK: . He was the last act, but then--
TK (DRUNK): Hey you-you haven't gone up yet.
GK: Oh no, I'm not interested.
TK (DRUNK): Come on, do it. Is' fun. Whasser name?
GK: It's Noir. Guy Noir.
TK (DRUNK): Hey everybody, Noir here is gonna go up.
GK: No, I'd really rather not
TK (DRUNK): Up you go! Now make us laugh, dammit.
GK: Before I knew it the crowd had passed me up to the stage like a wave. I looked to Jimmy for help, but he was busy pouring drinks from the tap. I stood there, in a cold sweat, the lights blinding me. I was starting to panic (HEART POUNDING) -I had nothing-it was like a bad dream! (PANTING, SWEATING) And then I heard a tiny voice from the audience
SS (LITTLE GIRL): Please sir, say funny things and make me laugh. Please.
GK: And then I thought, if a child needs me, then who am I to say no? And I just started talking. About everything and nothing. About how I hadn't had a real job in 25 years (SS, TR: LAUGHTER). About my run-down office and my two-bit cases and my inability to get a date (SS, TR: LAUGHTER). I went on about pain (SS, TR: LAUGHTER), sorrow (SS, TR: LAUGHTER), loneliness (SS, TR: LAUGHTER), and fear (SS, TR: LAUGHTER), and they loved me-- I was killing up there. And then I started telling jokes (WEAKER LAUGHTER), and that didn't work so well. (SMATTERING OF LAUGHS). The harder I tried, the worse it got. (LIGHT BOOING) So anyway---- listen, you've been great----- A woman approaches a man in uniform and asks, 'are you a police officer?' And he says 'no, I'm an undercover detective'. And she asks, 'then why are you wearing a police uniform?' And he says, 'because it's my day off'. (SS, TR: BOOS). I got off the stage but no one in the crowd would look at me. I went back to the bar and ordered another sarsaparilla. (BRIDGE)
PP: Tough goin' out there, huh? (BRIDGE)
GK: I turned. It was a tall redhead, long mesh hose and a body stocking and a little spangly top and tiny red velour skirt, if it had been any shorter, it would've been a garter belt. The body stocking was stretched so tight you could follow the movement of white corpuscles through her blood stream. You could see her heart beat under her ribcage. It seemed to slow down when she looked at me. -I don't know what happened out there. I had them for a while, and it all fell apart.
PP: You're not funny. That's all. .
GK: I'm not?
PP: You're not angry enough. You need to be wounded, hard to be around, brooding- with a big grudge.
GK: How do you know about comedy? You a comic?
PP: I'm a singer.
GK: What kind of singer?
PP: Standards. Gershwin, Berlin, Jerome Kern-- Broadway stuff--
GK: Do I know you?
PP: No. I don't sing in English. I sing in Swedish.
GK: Really-
PP: I speak English but I sing Swedish. (SHE SHRUGS) It's just how it is. My family had all these Bjorn Bjornson LPs around and I learned all his stuff and--- (TR SWEDISH) Oh- okay--- My agent. I've got a gig in Stockholm Sunday night.
GK: Why are you here?
PP: Good question. I have relatives here. Scandia. But I'm on a plane to Stockholm tomorrow.
GK: So what's that like?
PP: Stockholm? They're emotionally challenged people. Not so romantic. They like to hear about it but they don't get involved personally.A Swedish guy likes to go to bed with two women, so when he falls asleep they can talk to each other. He is so repressed, he blushes if someone says "Intersection". Sometimes he'll get drunk and go downtown and spend the night in a warehouse.
GK: A warehouse?
PP: They're bad spellers, too. (SWEDISH)
GK: What's he saying?
PP: (SWEDISH) He's saying, "My dad was Swedish. He and Mama had twelve kids because they lived near the train tracks and when the midnight train came through and woke him up, he'd say, "Well, should we go back to sleep or what?" and
Mama'd say, "What---" (MORE SWEDISH) And then he ran away and left her and she had six more kids. Because ever so often he came back to
apologize.
(TR SWEDISH)
GK: What's he saying?
PP: I've gotta go. Good luck with your career. (FADING) What is it you do?
GK: The woman of my dreams - and the moment she arrives, I wake up. Story of my life. (BRIDGE) Somehow I couldn't get show business out of my mind. Next thing I knew I was standing in a little alcove (HUSHED FUNERAL ORGAN) behind some ferns ---
TR: So you go out right after "Abide With Me," okay?
GK: All right. And I say, "I just want to welcome you to Mr. Samuelson's funeral" and then I go into the jokes, right?
TR: Yeah. These were his favorites. Start with the one about 911.
GK: . The one about the guy having a heart attack and his wife is trying to call 911 and she couldn't find the eleven on the dial, right?
TR: Right. And the one about the Norwegian lottery where you get a dollar a year for a million years.
GK: You're sure those were the deceased's favorite jokes---
TR: That's what his widow said. And the one about the lefse---
GK: Okay.
TR: Okay--- you go out and kill em now---- (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but scribbling ideas on the back of a napkin at the Five Spot, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye ---