(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(MUSIC UNDER)
GK: It was April in St. Paul and gradually the ice pack was starting to melt, the glacier was receding, and people had started wearing lighter clothing in which they looked human and not like a piece of freight with legs, and a sense of color was returning to the land. You could almost see green if you looked hard enough. I was holed up in my office working away on the case of a guy who wanted me to find out the name of a woman who sat ahead of him last Sunday in church.
TR: She was brunette. I think she was an alto.
GK: That describes a lot of people.
TR: She wore navy blue.
GK: Any distinguishing features?
TR: She wore glasses.
GK: And-----
TR: She was alone.
GK: What service was she at?
TR: Eleven o'clock. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I set out to find this brunette who'd been at the 11 a.m. service at St. Vivian's and I went online and did a GOOGLE search on service and that brought up 110,000 websites of tennis players like Chris Evert and Billie Jean King ---- remember her? ---- and I Googled King and read about Gustav of Sweden and then about smorgasbords and then I googled myself, Guy Noir, and that brought up Guy Hickock, the TV actor, and the weekly TV listings for 1957 -and Heinz 57 Varieties and that led me to John Kerry's website (TR KERRY: I have spoken with many world leaders, most of whom have admired my hair-----) and that took me to Botox and then ----- I look at the clock and it's four in the morning! (STING) I've been sitting at the computer for twelve hours online. Twelve hours! I turned off the computer. (SWITCH, AND HUM TONE DESCENT) I couldn't believe it. (PACING FOOTSTEPS) Twelve hours sitting and staring at a screen. My back hunched, my legs on the verge of thrombosis, my mouse hand stiffened into a little claw. What's happened to me? I used to lead a life of action and adventure! I used to get involved in high-speed chases! (CHORDS, MEMORY)
(CAR CORNERING, GUNSHOTS, ACCELERATION)
GK: Step on it, cabbie!
TR: I'm goin as fast as I can----
GK: Well, go faster. Don't let him get away. (ACCEL)
GK: Look out for the bus! (CAR SWERVES, BUS HORN IN PASSING, ACCELERATION) Hurry. He's heading for the train tracks. Hurry! (CAR ACCEL)
TR: There's a train coming! (DISTANT WHISTLE)
GK: We can make it. Go, go, go, go! (CAR ACCEL) (TRAIN HORN PASSING FAST JUST BEHIND) Made it! Okay---- you almost got him! Oh oh----- he's taking the mountain road.
TR: Oh my gosh------ (CAR SCREECHING AROUND CURVES)
GK: Don't look down. Don't look down! Hey. He's stopping. We got him. (BRAKES SCREECH TO STOP. DOOR OPEN. SHEEP.) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) Hey---- mister-----
TK: What you want? Get away from me!
GK: Hey. Take it easy. (BIG SLUGGING MATCH. LOTS OF KONKS AND KRRAACCKKS AND OOPHS)
TK: Okay, okay, okay----- what do you want with me? (PAUSE) Huh? How come you chased me out here? What's your beef?
GK: You donated money in the public radio membership drive, right?
TK: Right.
GK: Which premium did you want - the tote bag or the coffee mug?
TK: And for that, you almost kill me?
GK: Sorry. I got carried away. (MUSIC) Anyway, that's what my life used to be like. Active. Now here I am sitting here mesmerized by a screen. What's going on? (CLICKS) I looked up the word "passivity" and I got some interesting stuff about passive verbs and Passover and Passaic, New Jersey, and the Northwest Passage and Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin and (STING) just then she walked in.
(HIGH HEEL FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
SS: Hi.
GK: Have a seat.
SS: All right. (FOOTSTEPS, STOP. CREAK)
GK: What can I do for you?
SS: I was just about to ask you the same question. (STING)
GK: She was gorgeous. A redhead. Her long curls tumbled down over her shoulders like a honeysuckle vine and her long eyelashes fluttered in a sort of tango rhythm as she crossed her long legs in a way that more or less forced me to stare at them and then, more or less against my will, my eyes drifted upward past her exposed abdomen and her remarkable rib cage to her bare shoulders that made a man tremble to behold. She was a goddess and I could feel myself just about to change religion.
SS: It's about my boyfriend, Mr. Noir.
GK: What about him?
SS: I come home after work and he's sitting there glued to his computer, surfing the Web.
GK: Maybe he's doing research----
SS: He's a bricklayer.
GK: Well-----
SS: He's addicted to the Internet. We live in a studio apartment. I take off my work clothes and I walk over and stand behind him and run my fingers through his hair and he just sits there.
GK: I've heard of naked women having that affect on a man.
SS: He's an addict. What can I do? All he cares about is high-speed access. (REVERB, DREAMLIKE) High-speed access. High-speed access. High-speed access. ------
GK: When I woke up, she was gone and it was dark except for the lighted screen in front of me where evidently I had googled High-Speed Access and gotten the Daytona 500 Web site (RACING CARS GOING BY) and an article on amphetamines (HIGH-PITCHED JITTERY VOICE LIKE FAST-FORWARD TAPE) and a traffic advisory on rush hour
and Rush Limbaugh's Web site (TR; My friends, let me tell you something you won't believe----) and something about Limburger cheese and the dance called the limbo (TK CALYPSO PERCUSSION, LOUD CRIES OF DANCER) and something on cutting dead tree limbs (CHAINSAW) and the cleaning lady was shaking me----
SS (DEEP): Hey---- Mr. Noir. It's two o'clock in the morning.
GK: What? --- where am I?
SS (DEEP): You're in your office. It's two a.m. And you've got drool stains down the front of your shirt.
GK: Oh my gosh. I've really hit bottom. What am I gonna do?
SS (DEEP): Well, first thing, we're gonna have to get you some clothes to wear. (STING)
GK: I was sitting there naked.
SS (DEEP): Looks to me like you started pulling on a loose thread and you just kept on pulling and your whole suit came unraveled.
GK: That was my best suit.
SS (DEEP): Yeah---- well------ those are nice shorts you got on.
GK: Thanks.
SS (DEEP): Are those cherries or cranberries?
GK: It's mistletoe. I got them for Christmas. They were a gift.
SS (DEEP): She must have loved you very much.
GK: It was from my sister. She got em on sale. (BRIDGE) Sitting in my shorts at two a.m. after spending half the night aimlessly surfing the Web! What's wrong with me? I used to be somebody. I used to be a force for good in the world. (TIME PASSAGE CHORDS)
TR (RICO): Hey, Noir ----- what you doing here? Ain't seen you in awhile.
GK: So you got into the coffee racket, huh, Rico?
TR: So what if I did? It's legal. (COFFEE GRINDER)
GK: We'll see about that. How much you paying for those beans, Rico?
TR: None of your beeswax, Noir. (ESPRESSO MACHINE)
GK: Charging three dollars and fifty cents for a cup of coffee. It's outrageous. What happened to people's common sense? When did we become a nation of sheep? Three dollars and fifty cents!
TR: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's a new world out there, Noir. Wake up and smell the coffee. People sit down and go online for a few hours and their brains are fried. They'll do anything you tell em to. How else did we get the President we got?
GK: Hey, what are you putting in that coffee? Let me see that----
TR: Why you----- (STRUGGLE, MORE KONKS AND OOFS)
GK: Took me a minute to get him under control. Got him around the waist and lifted him up for the piledriver. (GK EFFORT, BIG KONK, TR PAIN) And the flying mule. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, FLIGHT. KONK.) And then he threw me out of the ring. (TR BIG EFFORT, FLIGHT, CRASH ON FOLDING CHAIRS) And I picked up a folding chair and brained him with it. (CRASH, TR OUT COLD) And then this other guy decided to get involved.
TR (JESSE): I am The Body. You are a jackal, you are scum on the pond, and I am the former governor of Minnesota and still undefeated. Hoo-ya!
GK: He came after me and I had to do a drop-kick. (BOUNCE ON CANVAS, KICK. JESSE REACT IN PAIN) Followed by a dutch rub. (JESSE MORE PAIN) And a double noogie. (KONK, JESSE IN PAIN) (DREAM CHORDS) And then I woke up and I was sitting up in bed and the sheets were twisted around me and I had feathers in my mouth. It was noon. The phone was ringing. (PHONE) I couldn't find it at first. (PHONE) It was under the bed. (RUMMAGE IN JUNK, CANS, ETC.) I finally found it. (PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, you don't know me, but I know you. My name is Janelle. I live in the apartment across the airshaft from you.
GK: Oh. Okay. Nice to meet you.
SS: Can you see me, Mr. Noir?
GK: Across the airshaft? Oh---- right---- there you are. The brunette in the glasses.
SS: Right. I've been watching you for the past few days, Mr. Noir. I'm sorry, but your shades were up.
GK: Oh. Sorry.
SS: Would you like to talk, Mr. Noir?
GK: Talk about what?
SS: It's hard being a guy sometimes, isn't it, Mr. Noir?
GK: I don't know what you're talking about.
SS: It's hard being you. Admit it. You're a private eye but really what you're looking for is yourself. You're a boat without a rudder, you're a bicycle without handlebars.
GK: I'm doing the best I can, ma'am.
SS: It's not good enough.
GK: Okay.
SS: Spring is almost here. When it gets here, I want you to do something, Mr. Noir. It's something your mother would want you to do.
GK: What's that?
SS: Get outside more.
GK: Get outside.
SS: Get outside more. A lot of problems people have that they spend years in therapy for----- you know what the answer is? Do you?
GK: They need to get outside.
SS: Go for a walk everyday. Okay?
GK: I'm going to do that.
SS: Let me see you do it now, Mr. Noir.
GK: All right. I'm going to get dressed and get outside.
SS: Turn the radio off and get outside, Mr. Noir.
GK: I will. Thank you. And when I get outside, might I see you there?
SS: You might. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(THEME)