SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
GK: It was one of those February days in Minnesota when its so cold all the Scandinavians start getting cheerful (SS: Hi! How're you doing??) on account of the cold cuts off the blood supply to their heads (MB: Quite a winter we're having!!) and they get punch drunk (FN: Cold enough for you? hahaha). I was just thinking how could I get out of town. And then I got a call from a guy about his daughter.
FN (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's about my little girl, Felicia. Felicia Montooth. She's an actress - ----
GK: Right. A jobless person.
FN (ON PHONE): Exactly, but she's in Boston, trying out for a part in a musical, and she called me from there, and I heard this terrible shriek and then the phone went dead.
GK: A shriek.
FN (ON PHONE): Please. Go find her and tell her to go back to music school.
GK: What was she studying?
FN (ON PHONE): Violin.
GK: Aha. A jobless person with baggage. (BRIDGE) It'd been a long time since I'd seen Beantown but it looked about the same. Something about old Irishmen, they look like they've had a bad headache for the past twenty years. You say good morning to them and they say----
GK: It's a vowel you only hear in certain parts of Boston. --- Which way is Mass Ave, sir?
MB: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
GK: Thank you. ----- (FOOTSTEPS) I found Miss Montooth's hotel, The Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Arms, past the Harvard campus ---- on the corner of Mass Ave and Velocity Street, and (TRAFFIC PASSING) there I saw a young woman holding an enormous bird on her hand. (BIRD SCREECH) (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE THROUGH------)
GK: Miss Montooth?
ER: Yes?
GK: I thought it was you. Your father sent me out to make sure you're okay. You're the actress, right?
ER: How'd you know?
GK: Well, the long silk scarf. The dark glasses. A certain---- you know----
ER: Insouciance?
GK: Right.
ER: I'm working on that. And on my je nais sais quoi.
GK: A good thing to work on. My name's Guy Noir. Your father said he heard a shriek over the telephone---- the bird, right? (BIRD SCREECH)
ER: I don't know what to do with this bird, Mr. Noir.
GK: Let him go. He's a big bird.
ER: I can't. ----It's a long story. ---- Listen, can you help me get downtown? I'm late for an audition. It's for a musical. Please?
GK: Sure. (FOOTSTEPS) Here. My car's this way.
ER: It's a Unitarian musical. Called "Song of Ourselves". It's going to tour the country for six months. I really have to get this part---- I need the money for bird food. You wouldn't believe how many snakes this guy scarfs up in a day.
GK: Unusual bird. What kind is he?
ER: I'll tell you later.
GK: What you going to do for your audition?
ER: It's from "Saint Joan". George Bernard Shaw.
GK: Aha.
ER: ---- (DRAMATICALLY) Yes, they told me you were fools and that I was not to listen to your fine words nor trust to your charityff.You think life is nothing but not being stone dead. It is not the bread and water I fear. I can live on breadf..But to shut me from the light of the sky.All this is worse than the furnace in the Bible that was heated seven times.
GK: Sounds good.
ER: I used to say it to my parents all the time. (BRIDGE, END OF TRAFFIC AMBIENCE)
GK: The auditions for "Song of Ourselves" were being held at the Ralph Waldo Emerson Playhouse and we headed there -----
ER: Would you mind taking care of Bon Bon for a minute ? (BIRD SHRIEK)
GK: You want me to babysit the bird?
ER: Please. There's a Voodoo Shop around the corner. I need to buy some snakes. (BIRD SHRIEK) ---- Thanks. (SHE RUNS OFF)
GK: So I took the bird around to the stage door and who should I see there but my old pal, Danny Montalban---- Hey! Wise guy!
MB: Hey yourself. Where you been? Leavenworth?
GK: No. Minnesota.
MB: Aw----Same thing. Where'd you get the bird?
GK: Taking care of it for a friend.
MB: They got shows out there in Minnesota?
GK: Of course they do. Got everything out there they got here.
MB: Oh yeah?
GK: Yeah.
MB: Who says?
GK: I say.
MB: Lobster?
GK: Of course.
MB: Stouffer's Frozen.
GK: Live lobsters in tanks.
MB: I doubt it. Oysters?
GK: Yeah.
MB: Canned oysters.
GK: Oysters in the shell.
MB: You mean, peanuts in the shell. (BIRD SHRIEK)
GK: Oysters. We get the best oysters in the world. Minnesota. They fly em in fresh from Puget Sound.
MB: You couldn't pay me to eat those oysters.
GK: I wasn't offering to.
MB: Best oysters in the world. Your Boston Back Bay Blue Line oyster. It's a moister oyster.
GK: Aw, whaddaya know.
MB: Anybody who knows oysters knows Boston's got the best.
GK: Don't waste my time. You get any snow here?
MB: Boston? Yeah, we get snow in Boston. Get more snow in a week than you do in a month.
GK: In Boston?
MB: Boston.
GK: So where is it?
MB: We shoveled it. That's where it is.
GK: Aw----- get out of here.
MB: So what you doing here, Guy?
GK: I donno. I'm starting to regret it, though.
MB: Why?
GK: I forgot to bring some beer with me.
MB: Why wouldja bring beer with you to Boston?
GK: You got beer here?
MB: Do we have beer here??? Aww. Get out of here.
GK: Too bad you don't have a baseball team to go along with it. (BIRD SHRIEKING LAUGHTER)
MB: Don't go there. And tell your bird to stop laughing.
GK: What's wrong?
MB: Just don't go there.
GK: I was kiddin.
MB: Don't kid about that. (BIRD SHRIEK) Why you----- (HE THROTTLES THE BIRD)
GK: Okay, okay, okay----- Sorry. Listen, Danny ----- I came to find out about a musical they're putting on here. "Song of Ourselves".
MB: Oh, yeah. The Unitarian thing. What about it?
GK: What's it about?
MB: Well, it's about two kids. They grow up in Montessori and they go to protests and they organize Nestle boycotts and Fair Pay for Migrant Workers and they're vegans and biracial and then they lead a campaign against oil drilling in the Arctic because it'll harm the migration patterns of the caribou----
GK: I see.
MB: And they die. They're trampled by caribou. And they go to heaven and they meet all these Unitarians in heaven ---- Emerson and Louisa May Alcott and Abigail Adams and Charles Dickens and Longfellow and Hawthorne --- and they form a committee to protest the exclusion of atheists.
GK: Interesting. And----?
MB: They're kicked out of heaven and they go to hell.
GK: Well, quite a story.
MB: That's just the first act.
GK: What's the second act?
MB: They're still working on it.
GK: Still working on it?
MB: Well, Unitarians do things by committee.
GK: Who's the director?
MB: Here she comes right now. Her name is Amelia Rate.---- Morning, Miss Rate.
SS: Good morning, Danny. Who's this?
GK: The name's Noir, Miss Rate. I'm hearing great things about your show ---- I'm a theatrical agent, Miss Rate ----representing a fine young actress named Felicia Montooth. She's perfect for the part of the romantic female lead.
SS: She's not afraid of caribou, is she?
GK: No, not at all. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went to a coffee shop next door to wait for Miss Montooth to come back with the snakes. (ESPRESSO MACHINE)
GK: Gimme a latte. Extra shot. No whipped cream, no sprinkles, no syrup.
FN: You want the Small, the Medium, or the Venti?
GK: Gimme the biggest one you got.
FN: That'd be the Venti.
GK: Good. Gimme that one.
FN: Which one?
GK: The biggest.
FN: We got the small, medium, and Venti.
GK: I'll take the last one.
FN: The Venti?
GK: Yes.
FN: Why can't you say it?
GK: I don't want to.
FN: Why not?
GK: I choose not to.
FN: Try it. Venti----
GK: Just give me one.
FN: I'd like to hear you say Venti

GK: Then give me two mediums. Okay?
FN: Two Media. Coming up. (ESPRESSO SOUNDS)
GK: Just then Miss Montooth came by with a boxful of snakes and gave one to Bon Bon. (BIRD SHRIEKS, EATING IN BIG GULPS)
ER: Thanks for your help, Mr. Noir. (PAUSE) I guess I owe you an explanation. This bird---- Bon Bon ----- this is a magical bird.
GK: How so?
ER: He's magical. He has magical powers. I don't know why. He just flew in the window of my apartment one morning and I said, "Oh my God" ---- and there was thunder and lightning.
GK: Kind of scary, huh?
ER: Terrifying.
GK: What did you do?
ER: Well, I couldn't resist the temptation to do a couple little things. I broke up Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I was watching the Super Bowl halftime show and -----
GK: You didn't.
ER: I did. ---- I looked at Justin Timberlake and I thought, What a boob.
GK: All because of the bird's magic powers.
ER: Exactly.----- And then I thought ----- what if I only get three wishes?
GK: That's kind of traditional, isn't it.
ER: So what should the third wish be? It ought to be something about world peace or ending hunger -----
GK: If you did that, what would the Unitarians do with their spare time? (BRIDGE) I went back to the Ralph Waldo Emerson with Felicia and Danny told me there was somebody else up for the lead role----
MB: She's a kid from Cambridge. Ten years old.
GK: That's kind of young to be playing the romantic lead.
MB: Unitarians don't practice age or sex discrimination. Henry David Thoreau is going to be played by a fourteen-year-old girl. (BIRD SQUAWK)
GK: Hush. C'mon, Felicia. (BRIDGE) We walked backstage and (TAP CHORUS LINE) a bunch of dancers was doing a big number-----
SS & FN & MB:
We know we belong to the one
And the one we belong to is Us
And when the Weeeeeeeeeeeee ---- (YIP) is you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
We're only saying,
You're doing fine, Unitarians.
Unitarians ------- U N I T A R I A N S-------
SS (AS DIRECTOR): Okay----- that was okay. I felt a lot of commitment there, a lot of empathy, but there wasn't the unity that we need ---- we're almost there, but we're not there quite yet---- Laura---- (FN CHILD OFF: Yes, Miss Rate?) Laura, would you go get me my sweater? It's the brown one. (FN CHILD: Yes, Miss Rate.) The color of my hair. It's a sweater woven from my hair. (CHILD'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: A small blonde child walked past us. (FOOTSTEPS PASS)
ER: I don't stand a chance. How can I compete against that? A ten year old blonde kid with skin so clear you can see her capillaries in action.
GK: I think you're going to have to use some magic, Miss Montooth. Let's go. (FOOTSTEPS) We went out on stage where Miss Rate was working on a big number. (MUSIC)
SS: Okay! Heads up and to the right! Smile!
SS & MB & FN: You You You
United, Universal Too
We Don't Worship You Know Who---
Just Because We Don't Want To.
FN: Gumba gumba gumba, yeah yeah yeah. Dum dum dum dum dum, dum-be-doobie, dum dum DUM dum dum, wa, wa, wa, wa. Sha na na na, sha na na na na, ba doom........Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip. Oh I wonder wonder whooom ba do who- who wrote the book of love.
GK: Miss Rate----
SS: Yes?
GK: Before you go any farther, I think you ought to hire this young lady here----
SS: I've found another girl for the part----
GK: Listen. This young woman can make or break your show. She has a bird with magical powers and he has at least one wish left in him---- (BIRD SHRIEK)
SS: She what?
GK: I know you Unitarians are skeptical when it comes to the supernatural----
SS: We believe in the power of the spirit of love----
ER: If you made a wish, Miss Rate, you could make the entire world as one.
MB: Unify the universe-----
SS: The world will be one??
ER: The entire world could be Unitarian. (CHORD) The Unitarian States of America.
SS: Really? Everybody?
MB: I'd stop and think about this a minute, Miss Rate. Think of how much you love to get up petitions and put on protest marches and write letters to the newspaper. If the whole world is Unitarian, who're you going to get upset with? Huh?
SS: I don't care. I'm going to do it. Think of how beautiful it'll be. Everyone eating organic, recycling ---- George W. Bush, Unitarian ----- his ranch will become a meditation center ---- and Laura will start speaking out. We'll get her on some committees ---- I think it's a good idea. I wish for a---- I wish for a---- (SHE BEGINS SNEEZE..WINDS UP...SNEEZES..SOUNDS SOMETHING LIKE "JUDICIAL REVIEW"). (GAVEL)
MB: Will the defendant please approach the bench?
SS: Who me?
MB: Yes, you said you wished for a judicial review----
SS: No! I sneezed. I was going to wish for a (ANOTHER SNEEZE)-----
MB: Very well. Case dismissed. (BRIDGE)
GK: Well, at least you got the part in the play, Miss Montooth.
ER: Thanks for all your help. I'm so happy. I can't wait to tell my parents.
GK: Yeah. Well, you deserve it. Good luck to you.
ER: I still feel bad about that third wish that got wasted.
GK: Oh, don't worry about it. The world sure did come close to being 100% Unitarian, though. I'll bet that guy on TV is glad. (ELDERLY ITALIAN VOICE, SHAKY)
ER: Who's he?
GK: The Pope. He's still Catholic. See? Still crossing himself. Father, Son, Holy Ghost. (ELDERLY ITALIAN) Et cum spirito tuo to you too, sir. (BEARS GRUMBLING)
ER: What are those bears doing in the woods?
GK: Aw, you know bears. (THEME)
SS: A dark night and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building a light shines where one guy is still trying to find the answers.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.