( NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets-- but high above the quiet streets on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was snowing in Minnesota. It'd been snowing all day and it was still coming down and for a veteran indoorsman like myself it was no problem to look out the window and admire it in so far as whiteness can be considered beautiful. I guess it can be but there are limits. That's why they hang paintings in museums. Nobody is willing to pay money to come in and look at plaster walls. And then suddenly, out of the clear blue, or clear white, I had an offer to go to New Orleans. (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.
SS: Mr. Noir, this is Heidi Lundeen calling from New Orleans.
GK: Yes?
SS: Would it be possible for you to come down and provide security for our Mardi Gras celebration on Tuesday?
GK: This Tuesday? I thought Mardi Gras was three weeks from now.
SS: Well, here in the Swedish Quarter we like to get it out of the way early.
GK: I never heard of a Swedish Quarter in New Orleans.
SS: Well, we don't make a big deal about it.
GK: And you celebrate Mardi Gras?
SS: I don't know as I'd go so far as to call it a celebration, but we have a big get-together. We have punch and hotdish and there's a gunny sack race and an egg toss and the big Jello mold contest.
GK: In the Swedish Quarter----
SS: Right. You follow Bourbon Street until it turns into Aquavit Street and that takes you to Johnson Square and the Cathedral of St. Lars. That's where we are.
Anyhoo, we like to get it out of the way early so it doesn't interfere with Lent.
Lent is sort of the biggie for us.
GK: Of course.
SS: Anyway, we found out yesterday that our little Mardi Gras is in the tourist brochures and so we're just scared to death that we're gonna be overrun by a bunch of half-naked people in sequins drinking themselves into a stupor and expecting us to throw beads at them or something.
GK: You don't have beads at your Mardi Gras?
SS (MIDWESTERN): No, we don't. That's a Catholic type of thing. We Lutherans don't have beads. Except when we perspire, of course. (BRIDGE)
GK: I couldn't see that Mardi Gras in the Swedish Quarter was in danger of turning into an orgy, but if someone in New Orleans thinks she needs me, who am I to argue, especially when it's January? So I flew down. (CITY AMBIENCE, TRAFFIC, ETC.) The city was busy as usual. Warm. In the Fifties. I got to the French Quarter and it was crowded. (HORSES CLIP CLOPPING PAST) (TR BARKER IN PASSING: No cover, no minimum, the show is continuous the show never stops. Hurra hurra hurra) (STRIPTEASE DRUM) (SS SQUEALS), (FN: "Hey, how you? Gud ta see youuuuuu."), the sidewalks were crowded so you had to walk in the street, (TAP DANCER) (SS: How you doin Suga?) (TR PREACHER, IN PASSING: And we read in God's Holy Word, God is watching! Yes he is!) (JUKE BOX, IN PASSING) It was a carnival in itself. (RECORDED JAZZ) ( SS: T-shirts! Hey! How about a T-Shirt! Talking to you! Looka this! Half price! T-shirts!.) TR BARKER: Right in this way, we got oysters, we got crab cakes, we got your blackened catfish, we got your alligator steaks--.) HORSE CLIP CLOPS.. And then when I turned the corner onto Aquavit Street (QUIET AMBIENCE, NO TRAFFIC. FOOTSTEPS) it was all quiet except for a kid practicing the violin (VIOLIN SCALES) and a cat (MEOW). (BRIDGE) There was a cafe called Mom's and I got a cup of coffee and sat at a table on the sidewalk.
FN (SOUTHERN WOMAN): You sure you want to do that? It's cold out there.
GK: It's fine.
FN (SOUTHERN WOMAN): Bring you a blanket if you want, Suga---- (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE THROUGH----)
GK: I sat out on the sidewalk and (PIPER CUB FLY BY) up in the sky a plane towed a banner that said, 'Free Drinks This Way" and the arrow pointed toward the Swedish Quarter. And a moment later a guy comes along with a jackhammer. (JACKHAMMER) Hey! Hey! (JACKHAMMER STOPS) Do you mind?
TR (OFF): Just putting in a street sign. Almost done.
(JACKHAMMER)
GK: It was a sign that said, "Famous Swedish Quarter This Way" (JACKHAMMER STOPS) He mounted the post in the sidewalk and drove off. (VAN AWAY) And the next thing a kid comes along on a bicycle (BICYCLE, HORN) and he's tossing advertising circulars on every doorstep (BIKE PASS, FLIGHT OF PAPER) and he tosses one to me and ----- it says, "Pre-Mardi Gras. Swedish Quarter. Come and Get Good And Liquored Up and Leer at Semi-Naked Women and Dance & Carry On Lasciviously to Bad Bad Boombox Bjornson and His Groovy Scandihoovians."
SS: Hi, Mr. Noir. I'm Heidi Lundeen. (BRIDGE)
GK: She certainly looked Swedish. The sweater with the snowflakes, the sensible shoes, the hairdo with everything in place-- How did all you Swedes wind up down here in New Orleans?
SS: Well, we've been trying to figure that out ourselves.
GK: I see.
SS: It was my great-great-grandfather Louie Larson. He got lost but he refused to stop and ask for directions and they wound up in New Orleans instead of North Dakota.
GK: Quite a detour.
SS: And they built the Cathedral of St. Lars. Home of the only stained glass storm windows.
GK: Well, I think maybe we can figure this thing out. Somebody's trying to promote your Swedish Mardi Gras, that much I know.
SS: We're getting phone calls every day about it. I just hope it doesn't get out of hand, that's all.
(BRIDGE)
GK: We headed for the basement of St. Lars and there, in a circle of folding chairs, was a group of men that at first I thought was a therapy group and then I saw they were musicians. At least they were holding musical instruments.
They were the first jazz band I ever saw that had pocket protectors and tie clasps. . ----These guys are jazz musicians?
SS: They took a correspondence course in jazz.
GK: They going to march in a parade?
SS: No, they're playing for the lunch.
GK: These banners and streamers---- those are Mardi Gras colors, aren't they? gold and green and purple----
SS: Actually, gold stands for faith, green stands for renewal, and purple stands for righteousness.
GK: I wasn't aware of that.
TR: (SWEDISH)
GK: Who's the old guy?
SS: This is Pastor Olson. ---- Pastor Olson, we have a visitor. Guy Noir.
TR: Oh. You from the French Quarter?
GK: A long time ago. So you got a jazz band here, Pastor Olson.
TR: Well, we don't call it jazz because jazz would suggest the sins of the flesh. We call it a praise band.
GK: I see.
TR: Yeah, over here in our Quarter we don't go for all of that licentiousness and carnal whoopdidoo that you got in the French Quarter. Yeah, that's unbelievable what they do over there around Carnival time. Just unbelievable. People getting drunk and dancing around and women---- well, I don't even care to talk about it.
GK: Could I ask you a question, sir----
TR: Girls get up on stage and they ---- well, they do things you wouldn't believe. They're all liquored up and they---- all I can say is that it's good their mothers aren't there to see it.
GK: Sir, if I may----
TR: And the men are egging them on. People whooping and yelling. And the girls are up there on stage---- girls from good homes, I'm sure, and they ---- they------ I don't see how a thing like that can be tolerated in a decent society.
GK: Sir, if I may ask about the little button in your lapel---- the one that says B.B. What does B.B. stand for?
TR: Uh----.good you should ask----.Better Behave.
GK: I wonder if it doesn't stand for Byron Bjornson.
SS: Pastor----!
GK: Does it?
TR: I thought it stood for Be Bashful. Or Bible Baptist.
GK: And what's in the bag, Pastor?
TR: Uh------ well------
SS: Pastor Olson!!!! It's a mask!!! (STING) A mask with feathers!!! And silver rhinestones!!! Oh my goodness gracious!! A boombox! I can't believe it! (BOOMBOX, BASS AND PERC BEAT, HIP HOP)
GK: Doesn't sound like praise music to me, Pastor. (BOOMBOX OFF) So what's the scoop?
TR: Well----- I guess I was just in the mood for something different.
SS: Something different!!!
TR: You kinda get tired of the same old people saying the same darn things.
SS: You're our pastor! You're supposed to be saying those same darn things!!!
TR: I know, but it just seems like once a year you could cut loose a little. Like for one night or something. Just whoop it up a little.
SS: I am speechless. Utterly scandalized. Aren't you, Mr. Noir?
GK: Ma'am, I'm a private eye. I'm not paid to be scandalized. And there has always been a very strong mutual affection between preachers and sinners.
SS: I don't know what you're saying-----
GK: And then the Pastor turned and spoke to the musicians.
TR (SWEDISH): (SPEAKS TO THE BAND AND COUNTS OFF THE TEMPO IN SWEDISH)
(BAND STARTS "A MIGHTY FORTRESS" IN SLOW N.O. MARCH STYLE)
GK: It wasn't bad. It could've been worse. It was missing something in the Joy department and it had a sort of ambivalence or something about it. But there was something solid and good-hearted about it. It was sort of macaroni-and-cheese music. ----- And then I remembered. Nutmeg. If you give a party and you invite Scandinavians, you've got to put nutmeg on things. It really lightens them up. They suffer from some sort of nutmeg deficiency. A few sprinkles of nutmeg on the cookies and they start to shine. I tossed a pinch of ground nutmeg in the air and the band took a deep breath of it (SNEEZE) and it made a difference. (BAND PICKS UP TEMPO, JAZZ BACKBEAT) It sure helped that band.
SS: I don't know what's got into them. Maybe I better tell them to stop.
GK: Let em go. They're having fun. -----You know, I don't think you need a security man.
SS: No?
GK: You got a mighty fortress, what's the point in hiring somebody to check Ids---- I think you'll be just fine. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But back in St. Paul where he belongs, after a dreamlike sojourn to a distant land, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)